Sunday night 10:35 pm, rainy.
Well I really should be studying for a spanish quiz tomorrow morning but I am not, yet. I have put it off all weekend and of course wait till the last second. Sometimes I catch myself saying, ‘oh well I will just see how well I do with out studying’. WTF is that shit? I really need to focus on discipline and developing study habits but it is hard. My brain just doesn’t seem to want to work correctly. Its like I enjoy putting myself through some form of turmoil. As it seems like that is what I have been dealing with for years so it is comfortable and familiar, that’s all I can come up with as to why I do the things I do.
Still clean from op8’s and benzos right around 6 months, that feels great but in truth it is not all it is cracked up to be. I still have to deal with everything I had to when I was using but now I don’t have some sort of, as sick as it sounds mind and emotion eraser. Even though I have become very good at having an emotional blocking system up at all times. That is a hard thing for me these days to even let people into my life. I could go way more in-depth with that subject but I wont because I feel like I am sitting in a psychiatrists office when I start to ramble about that shit.
So things are good and then they are ok, its much better than it was a few months ago when things were ok and then bad. I do see improvements happening. I wont lie there are times when I feel like giving up and saying fuck everything and just go and score some heroin and close my eyes really really tight and make it all go away. I have been thinking thoughts like that to frequently these days. Also in the back of my mind I have been slightly convincing myself that I would benefit from another ADD/ADHD script to help me be motivated for school work. Adderall WRECKED ME last time I was on it and its hard to even fathom I would consider it. Scripts and medicine is just a band-aid temporary fix and I know it is not what I need or even want. Just irrational thoughts?
So I guess I will talk about what has been going on the past week or so. I attend AA meetings a few times a week and it seems like somebody is always pushing me to get a sponsor. I have had one in the past and I guess what it boils down to is I don’t like feeling accountable to someone. Nor do I really feel like sharing many of the aspects of my life. I am a pretty private person. So anyways, I was out having a couple of beers last weekend and I am sitting at a bar with this girl just relaxing and trying to unwind from all the self-imposed stress in my life. And out of nowhere this guy who has been pushing me to take him up on his offer of being my sponsor appears behind me. What the hell. He basically says have a good night.
So than next time I see him he is pushing even harder for me to start calling him everyday. finally I buckled and say ok I will start calling you. He definitely makes sense with what he is talking but I don’t know. I don’t have a problem with drinking, really. I really don’t want to invent a problem or make an issue out of nothing either. So what I have a couple of beers once or twice a month, whoa. I mainly go to AA instead of NA and replace the alcohol with drugs. I go to NA also but that’s another story on to itself. So I called this guy everyday this week and stopped calling him sat. and tonight. I don’t want to deal with it. I know I am going to see him at a meeting and he is going to make me feel like shit or in the least I will feel awkward. I have been blowing off a lot of people these days and I suppose that is just the easiest thing and unfortunately the natural way I operate.
So yeah my problems are minor and pretty much self-created. Sometimes I think I don’t let myself get involved with new friendships because I will eventually become uncomfortable and decide I don’t want to deal with it anymore and then cut out that aspect of my life. Self sabotage I guess. I know I have become a master with that concerning girlfriends. It something I am trying to change but it is hard to do.
I went out to see a friends band play this weekend and had a great time. There was this chick there that was SO unbelievably hot. Just perfect body. Well you can guess what happened I fuct it up. Or rather didn’t even try because sometimes I tell myself they are not interested even when it is blatantly obvious that is not the case. It didn’t help that I smoked a hit or 2 of maryjane and that usually kicks my anxiety up a notch especially in public. She kept sitting next to me and striking up a conversation, I didn’t have much to say. Than her and an old girlfriend kept trying to get me to dance. Not happening. But WOW absolutely insanely beautiful and certainly knew how to shake it. Than I beat myself up the next day about shoulda, coulda, woulda’s. Oh well.
Sometimes when I write about things I feel stupid. Some of this shit is just like wtf is my problem. When will I finally be happy and not worry about bullshit things. Although I’m not directly worrying about things but I guess these things are what are my mind and whatever. Time to force myself to study. I SOOO motherfucking wish I would have finished my bach. degree when I was younger because man my brain doesn’t work the same way it used to.