Well its been awhile since I wrote on here.

Things are going good, I guess.  Still clean off opiates and benzos for about year and four months.  It feels so good not to have to be dependant on something.  The main thing I keep asking myself is why did I wait so long?  Who knows.  Not me.  Well its summer, I havent been doing much at all.  Not working, have had a g/f for awhile, waiting to register for classes.  Which is another story onto itself that I wont get into right now.

I have been drinking a little and smoking.  The girl is a good girl, kinda the straight arrow type.  She knows about all the drug use but didn’t question me too hard.  I just really emphasized ‘pill addiction’ and ‘opiate addiction’ and I never brought up heroin or needles.  That is a bit to much.  I did say if I told her everything she probably wouldn’t want to be with me anymore.  So she doesn’t ask.  I don’t know about the relationship though.  Shes beautiful and great but I don’t know.  I am totally holding back.

No urges cravings to use heroin.  I still have drug dreams [mainly iv coke/heroin] quite frequently but I am used to that.  I stopped going to NA meetings maybe 5 months ago.  I just felt like I was repeating myself and I kept hearing a voice in my head tell me if I keep going to these meetings and emmersing yourself in a sick environment your going to stay sick.  Not a real voice mind you but just knowing.  Most of those people claim they are getting better but I just saw alot of ppl complaining and sick.  It definitely helped out in the begining though.

I could ramble on forever I am sure but I am tired and need some rest.

🙂

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Well things are going good.  School is almost over for the semester.  I am still trying to get back into the swing of things and I have been back for a year.  It’s not like I don’t have a grasp on the material, it’s just I put off everything and have no motivation.  I don’t do anything.  Go to class, come home, play on the computer, watch tv, think about doing homework, go to a meeting [NA/AA], than sometimes I will go out and have a couple of beers.  I could understand my laziness when I was using drugs and pills but I am having a hard time wrapping my head around it now.  I have been off opiates and benzos for 8.5 months now and things have improved dramatically but they could be sooo much better.  Who knows maybe subconsciously I do this to myself so I have some kinda of self-pity to wallow in.  Or it could be still continuing PAWS, I did abuse drugs hard for more than half my life.  Sometimes I think that is a cop-out telling myself that though.  Get over it seedless, you’re not using now.  So go out and get a job.

I almost bought a bag a pot today.  I didn’t though because if I am lazy now gosh I don’t want to think how I would be stoned.  I stopped smoking pot when this last semester started mainly because it was aggravating my anxiety and messing up my cognition.  Whatever.

My parents wanted me to go down to the city with them this weekend.  Every year they get rooms at The Drake and my sister, her husband, and their kids go down there with them.  Than they go out to eat, drink, shop, and sleep.  Than the next night is the Magnificent Mile Lights Festival where they light the xmas lights downtown Chicago.  Than they go out to dinner and repeat.  I don’t have kids or even a girlfriend so I just feel like I am tagging along and truthfully it’s not really fun, ha.  I know I would be just going out getting drunk by myself and who knows what kind of trouble I would run into.  I would rather sit around and be lazy, big surprise.

I have been having decent luck with girls lately and yet I still am not happy.  I went out with this girl a week or two ago and it felt like I was in high school again.  All feeling nervous and shit,  immediately I was consumed with a strong urge to take xanax or ativan.  Than I started to think well this is completely normal, people LIKE to feel like this.  I don’t know.  Like I mentioned above I seem to self sabotage myself when it comes to relationships.  I am starting to get sick of it though…

peace.

seedless

Well things are pretty good.  The leaves are slowly falling as I type this.  Just a few branches are starting to burst into bright star burst oranges, reds, and purples.  This is my favorite time of year by far.  School is ok and I am still trying to find some discipline where I study everyday or at least where I don’t just cram before a paper, test, etc.  I am not working or really doing anything else so it can get aggravating with cracking the whip.

About a week and a half ago my Grandmother passed away so it has been kinda stressful with all the family in town.  At least I was not strung out or anything stupid like that and I was actually able to communicate with them.  Things are getting better.  She was 84 and had open heart surgery about a year ago.  She kept falling down and breaking bones [hip, arm, bruised her spine?].  Than she would go back into the hospital for a couple/few weeks, than into a rehabilitation center, than back home.  We had nurses staying with her at her home and of course she hated that and they had to be replaced a few times.  She did that cycle for 3 different falls and finally my Dad was tired of having to drive to the city to visit her all the time.  So we moved her out by us in another nice rehabilitation center.  She was in there for 24 hrs. when she stopped breathing at the breakfast table.  Now it is the process of cleaning out her house and putting it on the market.  If I was going to school in the city I would stay there but other than that there is no point other than to hold onto memories.

I am still clean and FINALLY starting to feel good consistently.  It seems like it has taken years.  My brain is still not working at a level that I think it should be but what’s new.  It is a lazy day today.  Already had school.  The Bears play the Green Bay Packers tonight, hopefully they will win.  I might watch the end.  I have a NA meeting later today that I have been going to for a while now.  It is interesting getting to know the people who stick around.  Other than that I have an open schedule, big surprise.  🙂

peace.

seedless

Sunday night 10:35 pm, rainy.

Well I really should be studying for a spanish quiz tomorrow morning but I am not, yet.  I have put it off all weekend and of course wait till the last second.  Sometimes I catch myself saying, ‘oh well I will just see how well I do with out studying’.  WTF is that shit?  I really need to focus on discipline and developing study habits but it is hard.  My brain just doesn’t seem to want to work correctly.  Its like I enjoy putting myself through some form of turmoil.  As it seems like that is what I have been dealing with for years so it is comfortable and familiar, that’s all I can come up with as to why I do the things I do.

Still clean from op8’s and benzos right around 6 months, that feels great but in truth it is not all it is cracked up to be.  I still have to deal with everything I had to when I was using but now I don’t have some sort of, as sick as it sounds mind and emotion eraser.  Even though I have become very good at having an emotional blocking system up at all times.  That is a hard thing for me these days to even let people into my life.  I could go way more in-depth with that subject but I wont because I feel like I am sitting in a psychiatrists office when I start to ramble about that shit.

So things are good and then they are ok, its much better than it was a few months ago when things were ok and then bad.  I do see improvements happening.  I wont lie there are times when I feel like giving up and saying fuck everything and just go and score some heroin and close my eyes really really tight and make it all go away.  I have been thinking thoughts like that to frequently these days.  Also in the back of my mind I have been slightly convincing myself that I would benefit from another ADD/ADHD script to help me be motivated for school work.  Adderall WRECKED ME last time I was on it and its hard to even fathom I would consider it.  Scripts and medicine is just a band-aid temporary fix and I know it is not what I need or even want.  Just irrational thoughts?

So I guess I will talk about what has been going on the past week or so.  I attend AA meetings a few times a week and it seems like somebody is always pushing me to get a sponsor.  I have had one in the past and I guess what it boils down to is I don’t like feeling accountable to someone.  Nor do I really feel like sharing many of the aspects of my life.  I am a pretty private person.  So anyways, I was out having a couple of beers last weekend and I am sitting at a bar with this girl just relaxing and trying to unwind from all the self-imposed stress in my life.  And out of nowhere this guy who has been pushing me to take him up on his offer of being my sponsor appears behind me.  What the hell.  He basically says have a good night.

So than next time I see him he is pushing even harder for me to start calling him everyday.  finally I buckled and say ok I will start calling you.  He definitely makes sense with what he is talking but I don’t know.  I don’t have a problem with drinking, really.  I really don’t want to invent a problem or make an issue out of nothing either.  So what I have a couple of beers once or twice a month, whoa.  I mainly go to AA instead of NA and replace the alcohol with drugs.  I go to NA also but that’s another story on to itself.  So I called this guy everyday this week and stopped calling him sat. and tonight.  I don’t want to deal with it.  I know I am going to see him at a meeting and he is going to make me feel like shit or in the least I will feel awkward.  I have been blowing off a lot of people these days and I suppose that is just the easiest thing and unfortunately the natural way I operate.

So yeah my problems are minor and pretty much self-created.  Sometimes I think I don’t let myself get involved with new friendships because I will eventually become uncomfortable and decide I don’t want to deal with it anymore and then cut out that aspect of my life.  Self sabotage I guess.  I know I have become a master with that concerning girlfriends.  It something I am trying to change but it is hard to do.

I went out to see a friends band play this weekend and had a great time.  There was this chick there that was SO unbelievably hot.  Just perfect body.  Well you can guess what happened I fuct it up.  Or rather didn’t even try because sometimes I tell myself they are not interested even when it is blatantly obvious that is not the case.  It didn’t help that I smoked a hit or 2 of maryjane and that usually kicks my anxiety up a notch especially in public.  She kept sitting next to me and striking up a conversation, I didn’t have much to say.  Than her and an old girlfriend kept trying to get me to dance.  Not happening.  But WOW absolutely insanely beautiful and certainly knew how to shake it.  Than I beat myself up the next day about shoulda, coulda, woulda’s.  Oh well.

Sometimes when I write about things I feel stupid.  Some of this shit is just like wtf is my problem.  When will I finally be happy and not worry about bullshit things.  Although I’m not directly worrying about things but I guess these things are what are my mind and whatever.  Time to force myself to study.  I SOOO motherfucking wish I would have finished my bach. degree when I was younger because man my brain doesn’t work the same way it used to.

peace.

seedless

Wow, Summer is almost over.  In a way I am happy about that as Fall is my favorite season.  This summer has been ok, I guess.  I am still clean from bupe, benzos, etc.  I still puff a little weed here and there and occasionally drink.  Almost 5 months off everything.  I have been doing NOTHING lately, big surprise.  Truthfully I used to like doing nothing but in the past I was always partying and now that is gone or phased out I am left with a lot of boredom.  I have been procrastinating doing everything going to the dentist, registering for school [which I finally did a few days ago].  I waited so long though that my class selection was selective but that’s ok.  I was/still am completely lost or rather void of direction.  School and all that stuff sometimes makes me get in a bad mood because I should have taken care of that yeaaars ago but I didn’t.  Sometimes I debate if I should even bother to finish.

It seems like I have been struggling for so long.  Kicking one drug/med or another in some kind of w/d or hit with a lingering depression.  Sometimes it is just like wtf am I doing?  It seemed like I was happier using and I tell myself that this will pass eventually.  That it is only natural for me to be a little down.  I am not doing too much to benefit myself.  I have extremely low motivation, still.  I really need to start excercise, ride my bike lift weights, get in the sun, get a job, wash my car, etc.  Yet I dont do it.  Instead I just wallow in oh poor me.  I have always waited for everything to come to me and now that I am trying to change that it is hard.

Still no girlfriend mainly out of my own doing.  I have a bunch of numbers that I have been given but truthfully I have no desire to call them.  I suppose none of them has really perked my interest but in all actuality that is just an excuse for being lazy.  I do have a few chicks that I can call or more often they call me when they/I feel like getting laid.  I dont know.  Sometimes I feel like just fleeing to the mountains and starting over somewhere else.  As it seems rather hard to get going around here.  Truthfully I do miss dope, drugs, partying but a lot of it is that lifestyle.

I guess I am just having a bad night/day/week?  Things are pretty good and I should be thankful for all the opportunities I have instead I just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs FFUUUCCCCKKKKK!  My sleep has been ok but it is starting to drive me crazy.  I have been going to bed/falling asleep at around 4-5:30 am and getting up at 2:30 pm or so.  I hate that.  I am just stuck in a rut yet I don’t do anything to pull myself out of it.  I suppose because it is not completely uncomfortable just lazy.  Things are going to change I can feel it.  I am going to take some ambien tonight and hopefully pull myself out of this.  I have to drive up to school tomorrow and pay tuition, buy books, parking permit.  Than I need to get a haircut, new clothes, new shoes, school supplies, and hopefully life ha.  I might go see Sound Tribe Sector 9 [some late night show after they play at Aragon Ballroom Sat. night]

At times I wonder why I am not doing anything to better myself and pretty much my main excuse is well you just got clean you deserve to sit around and do what ever you want.  If I feel like sitting like a bump on a long for weeks on end I do it.  Yet I wonder why I am not happy?

Thanks for the comments I am still alive that is painfully obvious to me sometimes.  🙂

iamheisyouare

peace.

seedless

Well I haven’t written an entry in here for a while.  Mine-as-well…

I am still clean from opiates and benzos, thank god.  Things are starting to get better albeit not as fast as I would really like them to.  I think I focus on the negatives too much, not negatives per say but just acclimating to a lifestyle w/ out drugs.  I am kicking myself for not taking any summer courses which I knew I would be but that is my slacker mentality.  Things/life is actually pretty good, I have $ in my pocket, a nice car to drive, a great place to lay my head, girls to call [if I felt like it, I do but I will get to that later], and a beer to my left.  The best thing though is that I don’t wake up with that urge to use.  No more sketched out mornings/afternoons/evenings/nights and also no more blissed out, nodded out summer afternoons laying in the shade.  Truthfully I really don’t miss that, ok a little but it will not be happening.

I do feel like I am getting a little bit of life back into me and trying to enjoy the simpler things in life, the way the air smells when the sun is setting with the hazy glow around the moon.  It’s not like I didn’t enjoy those things before quite the contrary but it does make me thankful I am not strung out or a slave to the prescription bottle.  I hung out with a couple of girls this weekend, a great time.  Quite interesting.  I lied about my age to them though and it is kinda bothering me now.  Why?  Probably because I am thinking about calling one of them up sometime this week.  I am sure they bumped their age up a little bit and I bumped mine down a little bit.  Still I am roughly about 10 years older.  I am just not a fan of lying.  Whatever I worry about things too much, whatever happens will happen all I have to do is pick up the phone and all will be well.

It has been fucking hot this past week [90 degree hot] and I am reminded on how I don’t like muggy hot weather.  I am thinking about going on some white-water rafting camp out next weekend I guess I will see if I am up for it.  It seems like I immediately veto anything these days and then I wonder why I am bored.  I was never like this when I was using, not even close.  Listening to the Grateful Dead, ‘What’ll You Raise’ love this song.  I suppose all I have is this moment in time and I have to stop waiting for things to come to me.  Instead take an initiative and make things happen or at the very least go with the flow and engage in the activities presented to me.

Is it wrong that I am drinking beer before a NA meeting?  Nope…

Peace.

Seedless

Who am I talking to it’s just myself
I talk to the wall when I talk with someone else
Only a few that I met really knew
Why so many good things had so much abuse

It was a slow week, kinda how I like it these days but that is just an excuse because I am not doing anything!!!  Went to a NA meeting and went out to get some food afterwards with a bunch of people.  A couple of people looked messed up and probably were, ha.  I was talking to some kid that just moved here from California and he got a text from somebody asking him if he wanted any Adderall.  He was talking about tweaking on meth and he looked speed up [big pupils, etc.].  I was tempted to grab him by his shirt collar and yell, YES I want some fucking adderall, text him back.  He said he hooked up with some meth down in the city, whatever.  Mindgames.

I remember going to NA meetings back in the day there seemed to always be somebody selling something.  Flippin’ bags of dope on the smoke break.  I suppose people are still doing something of the sort, like how 3 people get up one after each other and go to the bathroom in the middle of a meeting.  Come back in [one by one] sit down and start rubbing their nose.  You can almost watch the heroin kick in.  Than they just start to nod off and everybody pretends like it isn’t happening.  Haven’t seen that in a couple of months.

I have no urge to use other than puffing and having a couple of beers.  I can ignore that easily, IF I want to which truthfully isn’t all the time.  I was never a big drinker and never will be.  I am pushing a couple of months clean from opiates and a few weeks from the benzos.  I am still getting over a lethargic feeling.  Trying to.  It has been rainy for this whole week and that just gives me an excuse to be lazy.  Tomorrow I plan to get back into the swing of things and get out on my bike and lift some weights, nothing else is making me feel good why not?  I have been sleeping late and doing a whole lot of nothing but feeling sorry for myself.  I need to get a new mp3 player for my bike and need to get to the dentist.  I have a feeling I will get offered a script.  I guess I will see if I can turn it down, maybe I will actually need it.  Have to get a tooth fixxxed.  When I was coming of speed and benzo last year I was clenching my teeth all the fucking time so bad it sucked.  Cracked some teeth got um fixed, got off benzos and opiates this year, re-cracked one.  God my thinking is really going, thinking things out there seedless?  Or not thinking at all.  Cut-it-out.

I need to go shopping for some new clothes, mainly t-shirts.  My friends band is playing Sat. night and that should be a good time see some friends, hear some good tunes.  I really don’t know what to do with myself at least I am used to that feel.  It just seems like I am unsatisfied basically.  Just another night.  Sometimes I just wanna get fucked up I suppose.  I am thankful that I am not acting on that though.  I really hope something changes soon, a girlfriend and a job would probably be a good thing.  I know a job would be good for my mental health because now that school is out I am falling back into my old patterns of laziness.  School got me up early, filled my day with ‘stuff’ and the end of the day I felt like I was being productive.  A job even a nothing job would probably get me out of myself.

It seems like I always make a huge deal about little things in my head.  Even working with friends knowing everything is going to be laid back as hell I still get anxious when I know I have to work.  That goes away though.  I really have to push myself to start doing things that I find uncomfortable because otherwise I will just think about it and have the same feelings.  When I do that year after year its obvious why I don’t have a job because I don’t want one, duh but who does?  Work pretty much sucks unless you get a job you truly enjoy and I guess that is what I am looking for.

I don’t know…

peace.

seedless