ramblings


Well another day down I have felt really good the last couple of days.  Why?  No idea.  I have consciously been trying to change my attitude as I really dont have it that bad at all, its all in your head.  Last night in a meeting I was listening to this older guy who was fighting back tears just go off the hook.  He was fed up with his life, his wife left him 30 days ago, his house was on the market to sell, he lost his job, and was living back with his senior citizen parents.  It was his 7th week in treatment, I assume he still had insurance as I dont know how else he would have been able to afford it.  He kept on talking about sitting alone in a bedroom with a bottle of gin.

You can almost feel the emotion in the room when something like that is going on, a bit like a static charge.  Hopefully he expelled it by dumping all his thoughts out on us.  He continually stressed the point that he was successful in his business life and he said everything just started to seem like it was a fruitless effort.  He said he just stopped caring about life and set out to drink himself to death.  I was sitting right next to him thinking about what kind of new shoes I want.  Maybe I do that so I dont get caught up in his emotions or maybe I have heard hundreds of these ‘guys’, ‘girls’, ‘kids’ express the same thing.  Destruction of the self.   A continual grasp for money, all while letting his family fall apart.  I couldn’t help but imagine scenes from the movie, Leaving Las Vegas.  He was an alcoholic but the other week he did mention that it was cocaine that was the real nail in the coffin.

I dont know why I still go to meeting perhaps to remind myself that things are not that bad for me at all and they could always get ALOT worse quick.  I have to find some more positive events to take up my well being, like a girlfriend.  Part of my brain is telling me that all the suggestive negative behavior and emotions I hear at meetings do have some influence on my own psychological well being.  Even a 10th grader knows your environment is a major factor in your health.  The power of suggestion even cloaked suggestion eventually starts to effect ones own self.  So yeah its possible that AA/NA meetings have had a negative repercussion on my over all health lately.  Do the negatives outweigh the positives though?

It could be the weather that is adding to my depressive state, although I hate to even label it as depressive as I am just plain lazy and not getting out enough or doing enough positive exercise to elevate my mental health.  Plus I am pretty sure the majority of all this ‘blah-ness’ is just long-term PAWS [post acute withdrawal symptoms].  My last psychiatrist was not kidding when he said it might take 1-2 years for my body to rebound fully from the long term  benzo therapy I was on.  He was hesitant to even but a time frame on it as he said it would be ‘suggestive’ and I completely agree.  Oh well, I have to start somewhere.  First school, than a girlfriend, than a job, than back to the real world.  Just my luck when I finally get my shit together watch, the world will start to really get hit with its destructive forces and society as I know it will cease to be.  Or rather I should say society/reality as I view it as my reality is a little bit different than most.

I wish it was warmer so I could go on a nice bike ride as I definitely miss that.  I have been telling myself that I need to start lifting weights.  Mainly to get those chemical reactions to start to occur more readily in my brain besides it couldnt hurt to get a little more physically fit.  Schools going well but I am lacking discipline lately for just sitting down and doing basic studying, [staying on top of my readings, outlining and writing down notes outside of class] as I find when I do that outside of classroom notes/lectures the information tends to stick a little easier.  My classes are populated with young girls, too young.  I have one during my M/W/F classes that is in the same first two classes as me and sits right next to me.  She has kinda been hitting on me or at least being very friendly but I dont know I am just rambling on the computer instead of homework.

I bought a new book today, ‘An Exorcist Tells His Story’ by Gabriele Amorth.  Father Gabriele is the renowned chief exorcist of Rome.  The book is very intriguing and its one of those hard to put down books.  I havent been reading to much for my own personal pleasure as of late and I still have a stack of unread brand new books that I havent even cracked the covers of.  Plus a couple left over Borders gift cards left.

I have been having good dreams the last couple nights.  Usually after I lay down and say prayers I can get in a meditative state where if I focus on just a single image from my dreams I can most of the time get a pretty vivid recall of a big chunk of dreams.  I have always been able to do that but with repeated practice it comes easier.  Last night I woke up exactly at 5:03 am and was pulled out of a dream where I was inspecting loose cut unmounted diamonds.  Some were a pale yellow color and most were clear.  My head was jumbled with the different grading terms upon waking, VVS1, VVS2, VS2, SI1, etc.  I also had the feeling of some kind of ghosts or spirits were around me, I say ghosts because they gave off a negative feeling.  Not scared but a slight uneasy feeling.  I took a mental note to remember and I still have a vivid recall there but it was just a brief memory.

The night before I was in some sort of an airport lounge waiting for a plane but it wasnt normal.  It seemed as if the airline did not have a definite ownership, kinda like ‘rouge air’.  The world outside didnt look or seem like there was destruction about but I got the sense that there was some sort of turmoil.  It seemed lawless as if there was nobody in control.  I could see water and it was calm and a tranquil teal color.  The person on duty taking tickets was standing behind a window that had bars on it.  Me and a friend who’s face and personality are a blur to me were just hanging out in the lounge, kicking our feet up on chairs.  There was a group of 4-5 girls that were being aggressive in a sexual manner, nothing happened though that I recall.  We finally boarded the flight and next thing you know I recall being in a neighborhood that I have been to many times but only in my dreams.  There were big rolling green hills.  Thats all that is popping into my head at the moment.

Peace,

Seedless

I am watching the Golden Globe pre-show what ever, you know where everybody shows of what there wearing.  No surprise that boredumb has permeated my life.  Maria Carey has her own brand of champagne oh god.  I wonder what pills she has in her system?  I definitely know she is hitting the booze.  What is coming next…  The party pack, Voluptuous Valium – watch your cares slide off your back .   I have always had this little crush on Tina Fey.  For some reason I am attracted to those type of girls, i.e the librarian that is completely different than she seems.  Something about that quiet, mousey type of girl does something for me.

I just dosed my bupe and I can taste that orangey drip in the back of my throat.  I can almost feel it flipping some molecular switch in the organic mess I call my brain.  Since school has started I have switched to dosing twice a day.  .5mgs in the morning and .5mg in the evening.  I dont like dosing twice a day because I catch myself thinking more often…  Ahh I kinda feel a little achy…  Or  No wonder why my appetite is lacking I didnt take my bupe.  I am always a sucker for convincing myself I need a bump or so.

Neil Young is pouring out of my speakers, I havent changed a CD in months.  I just mainly listen to music off my ipod but when I do turn it up loud it just doesnt sound quite as good as CD quality.  God I really dont have much to talk about as my social life has gone thru its own drastic detox over the past year.  I have no urge to go out and get drunk and bounce from bar to bar.  I liked doing that when I was 19 or 20 and now I am getting old at 33.  One thing I dont like about going out is running into people I havent seen in a while, most people would like that I think?  But I am not most people.  A friends band played this weekend at a little bar and I decided not to go I feel a little guilty about that and the deciding factor in that decision was the bar that it was held at.  They tried to kick me out of their bar years ago for no good reason, they said I was selling drugs.  As if…  to whom?  My friends?  Fuck off.  They didnt take to kindly to that and I consciously avoid that bar with a passion.

Although about 5 months ago I decided to stop in there and have a couple beers and watch a Cubs game but who is serving the beer?  Some freakin’ dickhead bartender that obviously remembers me and told me I was not allowed to be there.  I debated going into there in the first part as I sat in my car listening to the radio on a rainy weekday night in a church parking lot.  It was either another AA meeting or I could actually do what I wanted.  Rather not really what I wanted to do but it was something that would pass the time.  Maybe I consciously chose that bar with the thought I wouldn’t get served.  Thank god it was empty as that is embarrassing when the bartender gives you some lip and says no beer for you.  Whatever punk.

My friends band is going to play in 2 weeks at a much nicer place and I will just wait untill than.  So the highlight of my weekend?  Probably stopping by the library as they were having a sale.  Selling all of there back issues of magazines, I bought a huge stack of ‘New York’ for like 2 dollars.  They have kept me busy all weekend when I should be outlining the reading I have in some of my classes.

I could ramble on about useless stuff but I dont really feel like it.  I do wonder when the hell am I going to find a girlfriend that I am intrigued by?  Sometimes I wonder…  What if I already meet whom I should marry?  Girlfriends come and go but its a little bit of a dry patch I am hitting lately.  I have told myself I am going to change the modus operandi concerning finding a girl as I am tired of waiting for a girl to pick up on me.  The last string of past girlfriends have been the ones to pick me up and I am talking like the last 10 or so g/f’s.  There is something I find attractive about the woman being the aggressor but it also makes me question if I am just settling for someone that likes me.  I am getting better but sometimes I just dont know.  My nerves are wrecked.  I probably sound like a pussy.

Such is life eh…?  Instead I will listen to Jamiroquai and put on some fresh clothes and go to a AA meeting because I have nothing better to do.  ARGH!  Things could be so much worse and I have been concentrating on being content but its hard when you feel like there are a few things missing in life.  Fake it till you make it?  I dont really find any comfort in that phrase or motto.  It kinda just seems like a cop out.  I need a hair cut.

Peace,

Seedless

I had a hard time sleeping last night, I was haunted by memories of old girlfriends.  Well not so much them but more-so the memories of how much of a fuck-up I was.  It makes my stomach twist in a knot and I feel like an empty shell, an earth going vessel with no port insight or in mind.  So what do I do?  I get up and go look at some old notebooks/scrapbooks/photos which in turn makes me wince at my behavior back than.  Those memories are some of my most depressing.  I try not to think about those days but I guess I long for yesterdays.  Once I get that thought train rollin’ in my head its pretty hard for me to derail it.

Yeah I have definitely made some stupid ass decisions in my life many of which came when I was under distress from self-induced drug addiction.  Which is absolutely no excuse but yet I kinda use it as an excuse.  I have apologized to a few of them but that did nothing to ease my mind nor did I apologize for my benefit.  Who knows what they think/thought of me?  I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and I stick to that motto when I have thoughts like these as it makes everything feel just a bit better.  It makes me feel like God has stuck his fingers in my life and swirled it around a little bit.  Is that some sort of twisted rationalization on my part?  I don’t care because I do believe it.  I know I am being a bit vague about the memories I am talking about and thats one thing that bugs me sometimes when I am reading things other people write.  I also dislike when people share at a AA/NA meeting and they are vague, I want to scream… WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, shit.  Anyways moving on.  I can’t even remember what it was I came here to get away from.

Christmas, fun fun fun…  I cant wait for it to be over.  This has probably been the worst year of my life thank God its coming to a close.  I really can not remember last Christmas I was a grade A wreck.  Sketched out from speed [losing it mentally], hopelessly addicted to benzos, and a handful of other OP8 pharmy pills.  My pharmacy bill each month could have been a mortgage payment, or a rent payment.  I probably couldn’t go more than 3-4 hours with out medicating myself.

So sad looking back on it.  It was almost like I had a death wish but the cruel joking universe wouldn’t let me die.  I will tell you though thru my whole life of drug addiction nothing was as scary as how badly amphetamines fucked with me, nothing like losing your mind and watching it unfold like some TV sitcom stuck on fast forward.  Amp’s struck a chord in me that reverberated thru every cell in my body.  Shaking my brain so badly I didnt know which way was up, I sure know which way is down now though.  I dont know why I write about this stuff nobody really reads it, I guess its more of a purge of thoughts or puking of negative thoughts?   I do like documenting my life either in hand written journals or via the internet.  Why?  I guess I could say so that others would learn from my mistakes but thats not altogether true but just a bonus.  I like being able to look back and re-read my life, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Plus it feels good when I write something that strikes a chord with me.  I have not been writing to many drug-a-log stories lately and I definitely have a few more I should write down [i.e apartment stories, mashed potatoes, first day, meth, police, bleeding, geeked] there are a couple good stories from that time period.  We’ll see.

Ugh I have a headache.

Peace,

Seedless

[Old draft 2-3 yrs old?  Ahh found the date they are dated Jan 2, 2006]

I saw the light in your eyes
I knew it was too good to be true
Deep down in those Baby blues

I sit in the darkened room watching the embers glow from with-in.  A solitude ember alive with-in itself pulses.  My pipe picks up a partial glow.  My mind listens and processes each creak and crack in the old house.  The stars are shining bright, the view framed by tree limbs reaching for there next growth ring.  Windowpanes etched in delicate swirls frost forms in the corners.  The nuances of starlite occasionally shooting the random twinkle of a prism.  All is still and slow, frozen air.  I am an ember glowing bright a faint light visible from the heavens above.  My body is in a deep relaxation.  My dreamland.  Behind my eyelids a landscape of 1950’s nostalgia [Pretty Pretty Peggy Sue, 3-button sweaters, shiny big American cars].  I think of her, the fire cracks.  Am I one of the fortunate souls who can obtain enlightenment and find true peace and joy from the simple elegance of life.  Thoughts zip thru my head, I hope one of these browsing thoughts will trigger a neurological reaction pushing me into dream world that becomes reality.

I feel a sudden sense that in my life I will have a seizure from withdrawing from benzodiazapines, I will hit my head just right, and over night I will be a savant.  I wish there was a spiritual savant out there most are idiot savants and cant really function, day-to-day.  I think to myself that just might make a good book druggie dope fiend trips hits his head and is a over night genius spreading metaphysical truths to the broken sciences that got shattered the day they started to cook the books back in the 40’s.

My spaceship is ready and waiting for a trip to the cosmos, oh how I wish I could take you.  Your hand in mine and electro-static is dancing its electronic jig on our fingertips.  Clear your head of your daily troubles, ease out of your body and meet me around the corner.  I will be floating under the street lamp.  Its such a shame the human race is so FUCKED>

I miss you
I think of you often
when I am behind the stars
when I am twiddling my fingers staring out the window
when I am with another girl
dreamlite flash
Wish to see my stash
come help me make sense of the swirl

[Old post, I decided I would post some of the 100 or so old entries I have in my draft folder.  I dont even remember writing most of these but I am thankful I am not in that mindframe  2-2.5 yrs old?]

I dont have much to say, I briefly got back with my ex this past week, I was in heaven and in hell.  I just dont understand how someone can be crazier than me…?  I didnt think it was possible.  Well I have erased her from my memory, I can not put myself thru such insanity.  It is soo unhealthy for me…

I am sad, feel fractured, and incomplete.  I cant let it get to me, I was in the clear I had her forgotten.  Than with a flick of a finger she is back, than with a flick of a finger she is gone.  I feel sick.

[tear that page out…  RIP]

It was a morning just as this in years past where I would not be able to control myself.  I awoke early 4:30 am or so, dazed and trying to fit the pieces of what happened.  Feelings of sadness, anger, disappointment, and helplessness cursed thru my being.  I roll out of bed still in the clothes I was wearing from yest. or was it the day before?  I reach for my pills… gulp, gulp, gulp.  No instant relief I think to myself as I stare out my windows at the first snow of the season.  Billions of individual snoflakes making up a white blanket.  I dont even hesitate, I am in my car and on my way to cop heroin.  The only thing that will make me forget.

Forget, thats all I want to do.  I dont want to feel, I dont want to think, I dont really even want to be alive,  My car drives itself right up to the corner where there are 3 people, wrapped in heavy winter coats, hoods pulled down tight.  The snow whips in circles.  I pull over and yell out can I get a pack?  The lifeless bodies jump into action one stands far out on the corner, watching for incoming cars.  The other runs to the curb and starts digging in the snow pulling out a crumpled piece of paper which he grabs my pack of heroin out, and crumbles it back up and re-stashes the bundles of dope.  He pulls off one glove as he gets close to my window, he hands me a strip of double sided tape, enclosed inside are 11 bags of heroin wrapped in tinfoil.  Good dope, I ask?  You’ll be back is his only answer.  I hand him a hundred bucks, which he counts and hands over to the 3rd man/child? standing in the pre-dawn darkness.

I put it in gear and my tires spin untill they somewhat get traction on the backroads of the inner-city streets.  I drive for about a block, not worried about police this early in the morning, I pull over sliding into the curb.  Before I have the car in park, I have my needles and cooker laying out on the passengers seat, I rip open the tape and free three tinfoils from their protective, waterproof seal.  My shaking hands fumble trying to unfold the bags, one bag gets dumped into the cooker, a pinky finger taste and I know I am golden.  The second bag gets emptied as the flakes of heroin gently float onto there landing space, I am reminded of the first snow of the season.  I look out my window into the dark morning light, strong wave after wave of snow blasts against my window.  For a minute I get lost in the hypnotic 3-D effect the flying, falling snow brings.  I think about her, Why? Why? did things happen the way they did?  A tear starts to well-up in my eye.  I quickly empty the 3rd foil out and stare at the mound of off-white heroin laying in a old 7-up soda can that has been ripped in half, and the bottom is used for cooking up my heroin.  I drench the mountain of heroin with a stream of water from a needle, a dark tan heroin/water solution forms.  I drop a cotton in a suck up the mind erasing, feeling destroying, ‘every-thing-is-ok’ solution.  With my heat blasting on high I tie off with my seat belt and desperately try to find a vein strong enough to pop to the surface.  After multiple attempts of stabbing myself, I finally register a crimson mushroom cloud into my needle.  I push the plunger down and fall back into my seat.

Motherfucker, ahhh. The rush starts in my chest and I can feel it being carried by my blood stream…

Poor poor pitiful me…

Slow week, I need to start eating better.  I dont have much too write about, maybe I will write about ‘old things’.  Maybe I can live vicariously thru my past memories.  Healthy?  Do I care…  Tonight I was at a usual NA meeting.  I was late and the temps were sinking low, and the wind blew me indoors.  There is a chick in there who’s name is Mary Jane, I shit you not.  She is older than me and drop dead gorgeous I have been talkin to her for a few months now and I would love to tell her what I would like to do to her.  Plus I think she is married but never wears a wedding ring and I realize everybody doesnt adhere to the ring finger typical wedding ring.  So I have stayed away, that and the fact I have been shaking like I stuck my finger in the electrical socket and generally filled with anxiety.  Thanks to a long term bezo habit, even now 9 months clean from them I am still not back to normal or what I would want normal to be at.  What is normal.  I havent felt normal for a long time and I am sober, hrmpp…

Anyways so in the meeting there was this older lady sitting at the table just fucking wasted.  Nodding out, laying down on her legs, hand twitching, mumbling about something or the other.  Great, there was a girl sitting on the other side of her.  She caught my eyes when I was glancing at the nodded out lady.  I was living thru her in that instance, god how nice it would be to be that fuck doped up tonight.  I ran the thought through my head a few times and it did sound good.  I could probably hit her up for what ever she was on, or I could of had dope in my hand in 30 minutes.  All that was needed was for me to break that little barrier in my mind that told me that was the dumbest thing on earth I could do.  I know that girl next to her was thinking something, I wonder what was going on thru her head.  Coppin’ I am sure as it looked to effect her quite a bit.  I suppose I should have asked.

3 grams of Sour Diesle bubble hash was found after being lost for months.  One of the nicest finds I have had in a long time.  Not much compares to that these days as thats about as far as I bend the illicit scene.  I really do wish marijuana was available for prescription in Chicago, Illinois.  I know there is some a pending vote for legislation for 2009-10 sometime.  People in California have it pretty fucking sweet these days, the selection, the ease, the strength, the freedom.  I can only hope that more good will follow as it is needed elsewhere, like here.  I havent been smoking for about 6 months and I catch myself being so unhappy and just not myself,  just 1-2 small tokes of this and perfect.

Anyways I am talking about nothing.

Peace,

Seedless

giant-snowflake.jpg

Promises made in the dark dissolve by light of day
Easy answers
Ain’t no saying what will be, it’s always been that way
Only thing I know for sure, someone got to pay
Easy answers
Ain’t no easy answers, is what I got to say

Easy answers
I don’t wanna hear
Ain’t nobody cares
C’mon let’s go
I don’t wanna know
I don’t wanna know
I don’t wanna know
I don’t wanna know
I don’t wanna know

Love is an easy word to say, roll’s right off the tongue
Easy answers
Seems to crop up like a weed, in every song that’s sung
It always sounds so easy, the way it falls upon the ear
Easy answers
Plenty easy answers now, listen to me here
Easy answers

Find ’em anywhere
Easy answers
Easy answers
Easy answers
Easy answers
I don’t wanna know
I don’t wanna know

Shut your eyes and listen to the colours of your mind
Easy answers
Give yourself a breath of air, let your soul unwind
Easy answers
You don’t have to say a word, you got dick to say
‘Cause no-one ever said there’s gonna be an easy way
Easy answers

Find them anywhere
Easy answers
Ain’t nobody care
Easy answers
I don’t wanna know

Easy answers
I don’t wanna know
Easy answers
I don’t wanna know
I don’t wanna know
Promises made in the dark dissolve by light of day
Easy answers
Ain’t no saying what we’ll be, it’s always been that way
Only thing I know for sure, someone got to pay
Easy answers
Ain’t no easy answers, that’s all I got to say
Easy answers

Easy answers
I don’t wanna hear
Easy answers
Easy answers
Ain’t nobody there
Easy answers
Easy answers
C’mon now, let’s go
I don’t wanna know
I don’t wanna know
I don’t wanna know

Easy answers
Easy answers
Feel alright
Easy answers
Easy answers
Feel alright
Easy answers
Easy answers

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