Narcotics Anoymous

I woke up at 3:45pm today, it is now 3:44am, I will be going to bed soon.  I am laying in bed listening to John Prine thinking about things.  Tonite was a slow night, I went to my normal NA meeting and was invited to go to a ‘haunted house’ afterwards.  I said screw it I guess I will go and proceeded to drive over there.  It was a cold night tonight and I was starting to get down on myself about not really having much to do.  At this point I was distracted by the flashing, hypnotizing lights of the casino across the street.  I decided to ditch my fellow NA’ers and try my luck.  I played 40 bucks on the slot machines, $1 slots, needless to say I was out of the casino in roughly 30 mins.  I thought about going to a bar and drowning myself but alcohol is a messy intoxication so I took a pass.

Instead I got a #1 at McDonald’s [no pickles] and a Hi-C orange drink.  I came home and listened to music.  I thought about the way things used to be and how my nights were always filled with fun.  How I always had a handful of different things and people to choose to hang out with.  Now my nights consist of bordum.  It could be alot worse I could be strung out.  I am currently at 1mg buprenorphine [insuffalted].

Here are some old things I posted on  Some of them might be posted on her somewhere, others might not be.

Anyways I am going to try to sleep.  Lately my dreams have been intriguing.



It was pouring rain when I walked into the Narcotics Anonymous meeting tonight.  My shoes were squeaking on the linoleum stairs, I was late as usual, and had a Lucinda Williams song stuck in my head.  A tiny voice behind me said,

‘Are you going to the NA meeting?’

Why yes I am, I’ll show you where it is.  A hot little blond [26 yrs old] that just moved here from Florida was the body behind that voice.  She had just gotten out of a halfway house in Tampa and decided to move back here, aka Chicago suburbs.  She used to snort heroin in Chicago, got hooked, went down to Florida to clean up, blahblahblah.  One thing that struck me was the intensity in her voice when she started to talk about how she was introduced to Roxi’s aka roxicodone aka oxycodone hydrochloride.  Her eyes lit up and sparkled when she talked of them.

‘Oh man those roxi’s…’

She had a nice ass, small tits, long blond hair, and a nice face to boot.  I forget her name already and I would have gotten her number after the meeting but I was blocked by another addict, Christine who’s number I did get.  When I got home I took the folded up piece of paper out of my jeans and thru it into my number collection.  Christine didnt ask my age and I didnt ask hers but if I had to guess it would be 23’ish?  She was just recovering after finishing a Subutex detox less than a week ago, her pupils were huge.  For some reason I am always conscious of pupil size most likely because I am always worried that someone will call me out.  I am still taking suboxone [whats fucking new] and my pupils have been pinned for the decade or more.  I feel horrible enough that I am having a hard time kicking this habit that coincidentally probably saved my life but to have someone ask why my pupils are so small would be a blow I dont feel I need to deal with.  Hence one of the reasons I rarely make conversations with people, lame I know.  In reality two-thirds of all people in NA meetings are pretty fucking lame and I wouldnt want anything to do with anyways and out of that one-third that is left 75% of them have habits [if you can call it that] that I cant wrap my head around or rather cant relate to there drug use.  That is a good way to put it with out making me look to much like a crazed eyed monster with a gorrila sized habit and many, many years of abuse.  I am getting off track, although I am not to sure what track I am on… hrmmm

Well I am going to go watch a movie.  I will write more concerning the ‘soccer mom’ post I wrote below, to sum it up briefly crazy, CRAZY, sex fueled, pill popping, lunchtime drinking, hot housewife [errr… divorced?wife] drama.  Thats really not my thing but it does bring some excitement to my rather mundane days as of late.  I am still trying to decide what I am going to do with this, sigh.  Maybe I will call her for coffee tomorrow afternoon unless I sleep all day.  I dont know what it is as of late but I cant find a girl that I am attracted to that is my age.  They are either 24 or 44, not that either of those are too much of an issue but if I really stop and look at myself.  I see an insecure, scattered 32 yr old, who will make up any excuse if the girl is just not perfect.  By perfect I dont mean in beauty I mean somebody that I have a major attraction to.  If that happens right off the bat usually she is already married.  If not I am usually to anxious and shaky to do anything about it, but it seems as if that is a trait that build over a little bit of time [attraction].  Ok I am really rambling nonsense.

Keeping my fingers crossed that Chicago does get the Olympics not because I care about the Olympics, more-so because it would be interesting to see what happens to Chicago business wise, shrug.



I dont do much these days and that has been a huge hurdle for me to get over.  In the past during my many attempts to get clean I would usually just switch up my addiction to other things such as booze, girls, sex, prescription meds, etc.  This time it had to be different I didnt/dont think I would be able to handle a full scale relapse so I made some changes.  The biggest being that my friends or using partners, in order for me to fully step out of that lifestyle I just abandoned everything.  When I was in the throes of a dark amphetamine mental breakdown last x-mas I threw my cell phone into the fireplace burning away contacts.  I still havent purchased a new one as I have never really liked cellphones, something about people always being able to get a hold of me I dont like.  I still have a home phone if need be.

I first started on amphetamines maybe a few years? after my psych doctor started me on buprenorphine which was 7’ish years ago.  Adderall and Dexadrine were by far the most destructive drugs I have used.  They bent my brain in such a real fashion being the addict I am/was I was always abusing them, no thanks to my doctor.  She used to give me soo many drugs for years I would walk out of her office with a sample bag of vitamins and new sleep meds or trial offers than I would pop across the street to the Cost Co where the pharmacist and his underlings all knew my name.  A typical refill from this doctor [I had a couple more that I left on the back burners mainly for other benzos] would consist of #80 8mg Suboxone, #90-120 Adderall IR 30mg, #60 Ativan 2mg, #30 Ambien 10mg.  I would walk out of the pharmacy with literally a big bag of pills, go out to my car throw a couple Addys into my trusty pill crusher than pour the powder into the back end of an oral syringe that was already prep’d with water.  Zing up my nose, than I would go shopping for clothes at a near by mall.

I remember one time just getting on with my normal routine and inside Nordstroms buying some shirts and I go to the counter to get rung up and the lady behind the counter asks me if I am ok.  Uh yeah of course I am ok.  I shrug the question of and start getting my money out and she asks me again.

“Are you sure you are ok?”

Once again yeah I am fine taking my purchase I leave and start to wonder what the hell she was talking about.  Sure I probably look like a drug addict skinny, disheveled, and shaky… nothing out of the ordinary for me.  When I got to my car and looked in the mirror I realized why she was questioning me.  My lips were coated in a pale white crust from the 3-4 ativans and klonopins I let dissolve under my tongue and my nose crusted with orange goo, ahh idiot doh’.  Thats one thing I hated about addies the constant nasty orange.  Using an oral syringe bypassed that most of the time but not always. geeker

Anyways…  enough about those days for right now.  Whenever I really start to recall events in the past like that my heart starts beating a little faster and I get a slight shake in my hands.  The beginnings of mild anxiety so I guess I will switch topics.

As for switching my addictions…  I guess what I have done this time is switch to AA and NA meetings, mainly AA because there are alot more with in a short distance from my house.  Plus the people are much different from what you find at your typical NA meeting.  Around here suburbs of Chicago you get alot of soccer moms and the likes.  Tonite I went to a regular meeting I go to and there has been this woman who I can tell has been checking me out a little bit, the last couple weeks we have had a flirtatious banter going back and forth.  I would probably have never elevated it from that as I have a pretty strong policy not to get involved with the women in AA for obvious reasons.  Tonight she gave me her number and asked me if I wanted to go out with her tomorrow night, get something to eat than go to an open mike night.  It’s pretty obvious she is looking for more than just a friendly relationship.  She is divorced, doesnt work, owns a nice home and is very easy on the eyes.  Tonight she was telling me how her family has always been pretty involved in growing marijuana, hmm intriguing.  We have kinda clicked so I said, ‘sure thing’.  So I have something to look forward to tomorrow should be an interesting night.

Ahh well I guess its back to watching Discovery channel ‘Gang Wars: Oakland II’.  I have a light headache.