February 2010

I had a very vivid dream the other night.  If I close my eyes I can be right back in the dream.  I love when I have excellent dream recall.

So I was by myself sitting with my legs dangling off an old wooden pier and I had a maroon colored fishing pole in my hands.  It reminds me of this deep-sea rod my dad used to have.  I am facing north as I can see the sun starting to set in the west.  When I close my eyes and am sitting back on the dock I can sense which way is north, kinda strange.  I set the pole down and walk up a hill.  The water is calm and doesn’t seem familiar.  Walking up the hill there seems to be slight mountains to the south that are covered with forest, oddly the woods seem familiar.  I walk into this little outdoor screened porch.  It is all old weathered wood and reminds me of restaurants down on the gulf of Florida.  There are tables and chairs out.  I walk to a table and my tooth starts to bother me and I grab it in my fingers and pull it out.  There was no pain but I think I see a little blood.  I set my tooth on the table and notice I have already taken one tooth out of my mouth because it is sitting on the table.  I place the tooth in my hand next to it and walk out back down toward the water.

When I get back to the water I see that all of a sudden I have a fish on my line, it pulls the whole pole into the water.  It seems like a real big fish as the pole takes off, slowly sinking below the top of the water.  There is considerable wake and it kinda reminds me of a submarine going below the water.  I remember feeling bad for the fish, as it seemed like I wasnt planning on actually catching a fish it just seemed like I was wasting time.  In real life I don’t like to fish too much just for that reason I don’t like the feeling I get when I do catch a fish, like I am harming it.

I reach down toward the water and try to grab the pole but it is gone but the line is wrapped around the pier pilings below me I try to grab the line and it slides thru the palm of my hand burning it.  At this point I turn and start to walk away, I hear voices which sound like they are coming from the outdoor patio thing, girls talking loudly.  I remember wanting to leave because I didn’t want to talk to anyone and felt like being alone.

I take my mountain bike I had and start to leave and lift it over a fence.  The handlebars clip the top of the fence and break in half, I hear a loud noise when it happens.  I look at it and I recognize it is metal and I tell myself, those aren’t your handle bars, you have carbon fiber bars on your bike.  I look back and the handlebars are fixed and they are my carbon bars.  I than wake up.

That was a strange dream!  I could analyze that dream many different ways and they would all probably fit my life pretty well.  I will just keep thinking about it in a positive light rather than a negative.  Fishing pole, fish pulling teeth out, breaking stuff, ugh.  I know I have been a little nervous about stopping buprenorphine.  It has been awhile since I have felt how I am going to feel.  I have to keep telling myself it is going to be a positive experience and it is definitely way over do.  By the time summer rolls around I should be getting close to 100%.  This is a MAJOR event for me to finally decide to do so natural apprehension is well natural.

Had a midterm today and a girl that sits next to me in class [smoking hot & young] asked me if I want to go out for lunch after class Mon. or Wend.  I was a little taken back.  Absolutely!  I was going to ask her if she wanted to study for the final with me a few days before but I didn’t because it just seemed awkward.  She is a lot younger than me and I kinda feel weird about it and I know I shouldn’t even care.  Just go with the flow and see what she is all about.  If something happens, it happens.

For some reason I am feeling real nostalgic today.  I keep getting images of Chicago side-streets popping up in my head and images of the old neighborhood of River Forest/Oak Park from when I was growing up.  Shine until tomorrow, let it be.  It seems to feel like a sunny summer evening.  The radio playing in the background while we sit on the curb and eat red, white, and blue bomb pops.  I havent had a carefree fun, happy day for so long it seems.  Just one of those relaxing days with good friends where everything the feels excellent.  It kinda bugs me that I have been so down lately.  It kinda sucks that I seem to be growing up all my friends are scattered around and I have let a lot of friendships fall off this last year out of necessity to stay clean and change.  Part of me is lazy and sometimes I dont feel like returning calls.  Things are slowly changing and it seems like it has been standing still for so long.  My life sometimes seems drab and uninspired.  It seems like I am constantly dealing with some kinda of w/d and I am completely sick of that.  I have come a long way but it still feels like I have a way to go.  I dont understand why I am like this because my life has never been like this, I suppose I am just getting used to change.  As for sooo long all I knew was getting loaded and having fun.  ARGH.

I think I am going to go see Phil Lesh [Further] IF I can still score a ticket.  I think the show[s] are Tues. & Wend. of next week.  Perfect timing.  I saw The Dead this summer I was still pretty beat out with benzo w/d’s but it was a good time the band was ok.  Further would probably be better.

Tickets [buy it] http://www.ticketmaster.com/event/07004377F7B3C7B4?artistid=1387091&majorcatid=10001&minorcatid=1

I remember seeing the Grateful Dead on Spring tour sometime in the early 90’s [Rosemont, Chicago] and they encored with Rain it was a sweet deal.  The blotters that I remember being around were Roses and Gold Keys.  I miss those days.



It snowed last night and all the tree branches are now white.  It makes everything seem so quiet and peaceful.  This weekend I was a hermit and didn’t do a thing, like I had much to do in the first place.  Backed up against a wall of confusion.  Well I have two more weeks of taking bupe before I jump off.  I am starting to get a creeping sense of dread building in me.  I really should have made a concerted effort to get off this earlier like sometime in the past say 6 or 7 years, ugh.  I know buprenorphine is responsible for alot of my negative feelings or at least I keep telling myself that so it will be easier to come off.

Today I was driving to school and I actually was happy, everything was good.  Bob Marley was in the CD player, Are you a rainbow too?  My coffee tasted sweet and the snow-covered trees looked nice.  I was driving to school, I was doing something positive.  I just felt err… everything just felt right and ok.  Than I started to think about not having anybody to share the day with. [I know that sounds stupid but thats how I felt].  The next images in my head were those orange stop sign Suboxone tablets.  Ahh fuck.  There goes that positive thought.  I usually shut the door on thoughts concerning me feeling sick or w/d [I know that probably sounds off considering how much I talk about the subject on here but it helps to vent].  Those thoughts consistently get tucked away into that hidden drawer in my mind.  There is no skirting the issue, I am going to be sick soon.  That opiate sick.  Cold and dead.  Deep breath.  This has been a problem I have been battling much of my life and I have become pretty adept at blocking thoughts about getting sick or dealing with w/d out of my head.  It seems like I only let myself [lately last 10? years] think about getting sick but I RARELY actually get sick because I ALWAYS find a way to medicate.

Well that is coming to an end and the thought of that makes me uneasy.  What am I going to use to get me through the day?  What happens if I am through with my detox and I am hit with monster cravings and have an inkling to go score?  Not going to happen.  I recall somebody mentioning that cravings only last 4 minutes and if you can get thru those 4 minutes you can do it.  I haven’t had cravings to go score dope in quite a while but I have been on bupe for the last 7/8? years, I don’t even know how long, how fuct is that?  The point being I had to sit on bupe for about 2’ish years before I finally stopped obsessing about that flakey white powder I let rule my life for so long.  I know I will beat it this time I just get a little nervous when I start to think about the ‘what if’s’.

Why did I not kick these tablets the last time I was in rehab [Jan 09]?  Well I tried believe me I tried but w/d’s from benzos/amps were just too much to add opiate w/d on top of them.  That was THE WORST w/d I have ever had to deal with and I have been thru quite a few, ha.  I can say confidently that I am completely free of benzo w/d and have been for the past couple months but it took almost a solid year to get to this point.  Well completely free is a lie, mostly free is better.  The psychological torture was something that I was not expecting.  I felt like I was just one big raw nerve cluster exposed to the elements.  My self-confidence was shattered, I was constantly analyzing myself and beating myself up.  I slipped into depression and took on the life of a sloth.  Normally in the past when I would hear somebody mention symptoms like those I would think big deal.  Depression, whats that?  I was always a pretty positive person and to completely lose sense of who I was, was extremely frightening.  I suddenly thought everybody was judging me and that I was not  good enough just total irrational thinking.  Most of that is gone but I still beat myself up at times.

I am kinda interested to see what these w/d’s will be like.  I have stopped bupe a couple times in the past and it wasnt to bad but my life was at a completely different stage.  When I got out of detox last I stopped taking bupe for about 5 days or so and the w/d was weak and very mild compared to the insanity of heroin addiction.  I could have pushed through but I had a big bottle of bupe and told myself I would have a better chance getting through the hell of benzo w/d.  I made it I have been away from benzos for about 13 months [minus 1 or 2 times] and this is the next step in my life that I need to complete.  If I can get past this last stage I will be able to do absolutely anything in life.  I was sitting in a psych. class today and I was hit with a thought I could be a psych doctor if I really wanted to.  School is nothing, its easy as long as you put in effort.  Shit if my last psych [addiction specialist or addictionologist as I like to refer to her as] could become a doc who pushes scripts across a nice desk, I could to.  My background might interfere with the state licensing boards but I am sure there is a way through or around that obstacle.  Regardless that is not what I want to pursue.

I am interested to see where I will be in 10 or say 20 years.  I wonder if I could predict what will happen to me?  I admire those people who can figure out what they want to do with their life, form a goal, stick to it, and succeed in that effort.  Unfortunately I seem to be the opposite type of personality.  I tend to just go with the flow and  let things progress naturally, what ever happens happens.  I have always been a believer in fate and that I will get what is coming to me.  I have a feeling that everything will be ok and I will be extremely happy in my later years in life.  Where would I like to be in 20 years?  I’d like to be content in my life and emotions.  I would like to be working in a position where I am my own boss and have my own hours.  I would like 2 houses, one quiet tucked up in the mountains of Vermont, New Hampshire, or upstate NY.  The other maybe about 40 stories above the Chicago skyline.  I can’t forget a house on the Gulf of Mexico so I can winter in Florida when I feel like it.  It would be nice to be the author of a few books that garner me success.  Maybe having a little small gig on talk radio as that is something I have always liked.  I have a feeling I will need something with a more immediate sense of accomplishment, possibly working with addicts or homeless, I don’t know.  If I can get a couple of those things to fall in place I will be happy as far as my career aspect of life goes.

The main thing is finding a wife that I am head over heels in love with.  God I can’t wait for that to happen.  I am on my way too all I have to do is rid myself of this last habit I have and I am golden.  The main thing I desire is to have a peace of mind, to be calm and as cliché as it sounds, content.  I have put of living life for so long as my youth was consumed with living in a blur of chemicals.  Oh well that’s life.

I just made a bowl of Minestrone soup and a Havarti cheese sandwich on nice fluffy sesame seed bread.  Yum.  I am starving sometimes I get so hungry its hard to eat though, weird huh?  My Mom just called and asked if I could go over to one of the rental houses and make sure the snow is shoveled.  In the past she wouldn’t have even bothered to ask me to do something and I mine as well be productive because in a couple weeks I will be sick and laid up for a bit.  Sounds like a dream Spring Break eh?  Here’s to another year of trying to get to where I want to be.



I like this older post if I get a chance to make it readable do it.


It seems like I am so stressed over nothing these days and it is really driving me up a wall.  I am grouchy all the time and it seems like I never have any fun these days.  I kinda forgot what it was like to be happy and have fun.  The last 20 years of my life have been just one long, big, party and now that it has ended I am just by myself.  I usually just rationalize when I start to feel like this and tell myself, Oh it could be sooo much worse I could be locked up in jail, dead, or  brain-dead in a loony bin.  As that was where I was headed without a doubt.  Besides when I think that way I only feel better for a slight moment.

I have absolutely NO CLUE as to what I am doing in life.  I dont even really know why I am in school.  It all seems so contrived and I feel just like your typical sheep, bahh.  I havent applied for a job in phew… god knows how many years.  I surely will die an early death if I am forced into the 9-5 race, I just cant see myself being happy by doing something I dont even know what the fuck I would be doing.  Point is that attitude is a bummer and will probably get me nowhere.  In reality it is the truth.  I have been getting a strong urge to just drop out of society and go live in the mountains.  Than in a relaxing environment I can write and paint at my leisure.  Even that sounds lame at the moment.  I guess I just want to rant about feeling like I am swimming in slo-motion underwater.  Bubble, bubble, bubble.

This morning I woke up and I felt so refreshed and happy but it was just for a fleeting second.  I than realized I was back in my body and laying in my bed.  It could almost feel like I had 2 screws on the side of my head and upon regaining consciousness those screws started to tighten.  Twist, twist, twist.  Stress??? I can feel aching into shoulder blades and I catch myself clenching my teeth before I even eat breakfast [2 mini bagels plain, unbuttered, not toasted].  It seems like the skies have been gray for a month and the streets just seem to continually be washed in those bland, dirty faded watercolor strokes.  I knew this was going to be a long, hard winter.

What really throws me for a loop though is I have never really quite felt like this before, when I was using I NEVER felt like this.  Which leads me to assume that I am still suffering PAWS from ceasing my long term benzo therapy.  I just keep hearing one of my doctors voices echoing in my head…

“You will probably not feel normal for a year or two…”

Arghhh!!!  I just didnt realize that he actually meant it, ha.  I just dont know what to do with myself.  I know things will change sooner than later and I guess I have no choice.  I just want to be worry-less and happy for a change.  Its bad enough that I am worrying about nothing as I dont have anything to worry about but it kind of accurately describes my state of mind.  I have a BIG feeling that bupe depression has a thing or two to do with this.  If all goes as I plan I will be off those in one month.

Sometimes I just want to wave my white flag and give up.  The problem I have with that is what do I do after I give up?  I have been studying for a psychology test all day, my back hurts.  Plus its snowing so I will probably have to get up early tomorrow morning . Oh whoa is me. blah.

I was thinking about a story I could write concerning a spaced out acid kid who transistioned into hard drugs [smack me up] and his life consisted of party’n and living the life.  Traveling all over the country and world, chasing tour buses, smoking the finest herb.  When that life slowed down he really hit the spoon and the foil packets, hard.  In his hazy daze he became intensely intrigued by the paranormal, ufos, spirituality, etc. and always kept a close place in his heart for that kind of bizzness.

One unfortunate day when detoxing from a long benzo habit he slipped in the shower and hit his head from a freak seizure when getting out of the shower.  Over night his dreams became like textbooks instructing him  on lost ways of knowledge.  Kinda like a spiritual savant.  He was having trouble adjusting to the increased intensity of his thoughts and went to get checked out by a local psych. doctor.  The dr. had an inkling something wasnt quite right, or quite wrong [nothing feels right and everything is wrong…  everything is right and nothing feels wrong].  With the doctors urging he went down to Northwestern Memorial hospital in Chicago to get a battery of tests.  [PET, CT, MRI, fMRI, etc.]

Prior to that he developed a friendship with the local psychiatrist who would often invite him over to his suburban hide-away where the doc passed away the time with one of his favorite hobbies, hand carving rocking chairs out of ____ wood.  They developed a repoire, which led to the the doc’s beautiful daughter [hahah] falling head over heels for this kid.

The tests showed uncharted anomalies never seen before.  Nobody was quite sure what to think.  The medical community was turned upside-down.  Everybody wanted tests.  The kid wanted peace and quiet.  After his story started to go from the local papers to the countries top papers and worldwide he became more uncomfortable.  Strange people would turn up on his door step offering him elaborate get-aways if he would just consent to going into the lab for tests for a few weeks.  He wanted nothing to do with it.  Slowly over this time he started to be able to control his thoughts more and the doctors daughter, his new g/f started to transcribe the kids tales as awoke from an unconscious state, ala Edgar Cayce style [the sleeping prophet].  I would have to fill up the story with a good hook here something with paranormal/religion/free energy/ancient knowledge/ufo’s/power of suggestion/ESP/etc. etc.  Eventually the govt. would start to send unmarked cars to try and nab him when he was unsuspecting??  Was this really happening?  Did he somehow fall into a govt. conspiracy? ha.

Soon he ran off to the green mountains of vermont with the girl and _____???  Hippy communes???  a following of devout followers that he wants nothing to do with…???  I  cant really think of anything else at the moment but I think it would make a good book.  A bit to science fiction’y for my taste but I am just bored and the thought pop’d into my head which gave me an excuse to put down my books and take a break from studying.  Time is up back to drab boring psychology terminology.  ARGh.