Addictions


I was hanging out with an old friend who relapsed recently and happened to catch a case the first time he copped, bad luck.  It brought back memories of my last arrest.  Ugly memories.  Here is what happened.

I think it might have been 3+ years ago.  I was on probation for poss. of heroin at the time.  Me and my g/f were stuck in a loop of speed and booze.  I was also on opiate maintenance and had a benzo habit.  Basically no holds partying constantly.  We were constantly fighting at this point mainly because of being up for days on end using speed.  I was going to go see a concert down in the city and asked her if she wanted to go, figuring it would be a good thing.  The concert I think was Ratdog.

She loved x and we decided to stock up on it in the lot, which coincidentally was flooded with drugs.  It was a nice summers evening and things were good.  I bought 10 pills of molly and 10 pressed pills.  We each took one and I decided to stock up on some lsd and mushrooms.  Procured a 10-strip and a 1/4 of mushies.  I also had a pill case with me with a few days worth of pills, Adderall, Klonopin, Xanax, Valium, Suboxone, and some sleepers.  Probably about 30-40 loose pills with no prescription bottle but I had prescription forms in my wallet.

We were feeling good of the x and decided to add some mushrooms to the mix probably my idea.  We just laid around till it was time to go in.  I have been to hundreds upon hundreds of concerts and never had any issues with security.  Well that streak was going to end this night.  Unfortunately that night we took the train down to the show so we didn’t have a car to stash our shit in.  So it had to come with us.

We were probably looking a little fuct-up for sure.  I remember standing in line with her feeling the x and mushrooms hitting me in waves, I took a xanax.  So we start to walk in she goes first gets patted down.  I am next I had the bag of mushrooms/acid/x inside my sock, under my foot and my pharmies in my pocket [legal].  Soon as I walked up the security guard immediately reaches his hand into my sock and grabs the bag.   OH SHIT I thought.  As he was pulling it out, I turned on my heels and started to run.  I almost made it out until another security guard catches me with a closeline knocking me to the ground.  Fuck I am fucked.

They pull me off to the side and start to look at all I have, I recall one security guy saying to me ‘Man you are ready for one hell of a party tonight, well not anymore…’   I was flipping at this point drenched in sweat, my g/f friend was in shock just gulping air face frozen.  I give her my wallet with my $ in it and just kinda shrug and say I hope you can find your way home.

They call the Chicago Police to come pick me up and take me down to some precinct that I cant recall.  They made a handful of arrests that night for psychedelics so there were other kids there.  I was the only one strung out on speed, tripping on mushrooms and rolling on x.  They handcuffed me to a wooden bench and started to call me sweaty, lol.

I remember them holding up the strip of unpreferated  lsd and asking me how many hits were there, uhhh just one officer.  They were flipping thru some archaic law book trying to figure out what to charge me with.  To put it lightly it sucked.  From there I was transferred to another precinct and then in the morning transferred to Cook county jail.  I was all hung over from no sleep and the drugs the night before.   Withdrawals from the opiates and benzos were starting to kick in and I just resigned myself that I was utterly fuct.

I remember laying on the floor in some dark cell just completely hopeless as I have been in alot of trouble with the law in the past and this surely was going to be the nail in my coffin.  I never bothered to call anybody to even try to make bail as I felt just well out of it.  Than I still remember it like it was yesterday.  The old metal door creaked open letting in some light, I still recall seeing dust dancing in the the light.

Seedless grab your shit you made bail…

What the fuck are you sure?

Yes you want to stay here?

After a few hours I finally get thru the process of getting bonded out and I am a little curious on who got me out.  I didn’t think it was my g/f as she probably wouldn’t waste 4K on bail for me so I was delighted when I say my friend standing out side waving.

Dude I have been waiting for like 5 hours, I am so sick.  Your sick, fuck…   This was a kid I saw everyday for years and helped him to get thru his day.  So when I wasnt able to be found he tracked down my g/f found out what happened called my mother who gave him bond money and drove down to get me.  The ride home sucked I was in w/d and driving by dope spot after dope spot and he would not stop because he was only a pill head.

Getting home the sun was setting and I was having a hard time wrapping my head around what just happened.  Thank god the county I was on probation didn’t violate your probation untill you are convicted not arrested for the crime.   I ran into my house grabbed more pills and we quickly got fixed up.  Oh man what a sense of relief.  Got dropped of at my g/f’s and that was that.

Long story short my lawyer on the day of court, which I was late to the case because I was too busy smoking crack.  I was wearing a nice suit and I couldn’t tie my tie.  I was geeked.  My lawyer was bitching at me because I was late and he wanted my case called first.  We go up in front of the judge and the police officers that picked me up from the venue were there.  One was a hot blonde.

Than standing up there slightly twitching they read off my charges…  Which seemed like it took 20 minutes.  They listed off each pill I had the weight and the substance, the mushrooms, the x, the lsd, oh man I was shaking at this point.  My lawyer said just relax it will be ok.  He asks for information on the security officers that were the ones that actually caught me.  The cops faces turned into confusion.  Uhh judge we are not in contact with the venue security.  We’ll do you even know there names?  uh….

Than my lawyer says how do we know that this whole thing isn’t just one big farce and the security officers didn’t plant the drugs on my client?  You dont because you dont even know who they are!  I remember looking at the lady who was typing the short-hand notes and she gave me a little smile.  I felt at ease.  The judge agreed and dismissed the case right there on the first court case.  Holy Fuck thank the lord.  He gave me a pat on the back and said try to stay out of trouble seedless.

Sometimes I wonder why things that happened to me happened but I just have to believe that there is an ultimate force that is guiding my life and there is a defined purpose.  I have 2 weeks clean from opiates and I feel ok a little lazy but that is to be expected.

Phew…

Peace,

Seedless

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Well I cant sleep,  its only 2:55 am. I just have that not going to sleep soon feeling.

I took 150mg of trazadone, 5mg of klonopin

Drank a beer than went out to drink more.   Bad idea I was achy, restless, and edgy.  Drank 4 beers

Things are not too bad minor w/d.  I was laying in my bed for the last 2 hours tossing and turning.  Constantly stretching and a dry heave,  Nothing that is new to me but it still sucks.  I am praying things start to turn for the better as I dont want to keep taking these benzos.  I finally said fuck it and switched on my light so I could stumble out of my room easier, nope the fucking thing burns out, zap.  So went downstairs made  a cup of Red Zinger tea and got stoned,  it sure is a quiet night.  I wish it was summer so I could hop on my mountain bike and go lay down on a hill and watch the stars, it might make me feel more human than this ill fated robot I feel like,  So yeah.

Now I decided to write on here to well do something.  Plus I always like the click of the keys on the laptop while sitting in the dark, soothing somewhat.

I feel ok for like 1/2 hour than like shitty achy fish-out-of-water.  I think I think about it too much but its hard not too.  I definitely have been thinging how nice a bag of H would be, and how easy…. too easy.  I hate this shit.  Feeling like jello plastic that is uncomfortable.  I could probably try to relax and get some sleep but those thoughts that pop in and out of my head drive me to not sleep.  It only seems when I can divide those thoughts, forget about them and than boom I am in a zen like pre sleep.  GOD I hope tomorrow is better.

Well I… fuck computer just shut down outta the blue, I got stressed and I can chalk up another 4mg of kpin down the hatch.  Thank god wordpress saces enteries like every 30 seconds.  So I think I am going to listen to Peter Gabriel – Secret World, I love that cd.  Feel like shit/feel ok.  Fuck at least I am not in the throngs of H w/d dry heaving green foam and just praying to god for it to stop so I can catch my breath.  I got nothing else.

Peace,

Seedless

I slept well last night unfortunately falling asleep with a beer bottle in my hand which was well a pain.  Woke up my head firmly buried well beneath my comforters.  For the first time in a long time I felt those ugly feeling of knowing I can be feeling 110% in the matter of an hour, but is that what I really want?  Well it is but not in the sense of narcotica [op8’s].  So I had visions of grimy street corners, packets of tinfoils being handed off, and the overwhelming feeling of well relief.  I kept my head under those blankets for a while telling myself this isnt happening again, why?  Why am I such an idiot.  Do I unconsciously crave this constant flux of emotional states?  What is going to cure me or will I be cured?  At least after this kick I will be able to focus myself into a relationship where I am not burdened by an addiction.  So after torturing myself unessecarily my legs begin that slight twitch, restless legs.  I should be glad that I can actually sleep, I am not throwing up I am not in dire straights.  So I reach over and take 4mgs of klonopin and lay in bed listening to mellow music before realizing I am freezing and decide to go light a fire and drink some Ensure and plain bagels dripping in butter.

Well I was kinda wriggling around on the floor in front of the fireplace trying to warm up even though it is 50’something degrees out.  To achy, so I decided to go lay in my bed and listen to some music real loud.  The sun was shining in thru my blinds casting my room in a warm orange glow.  My head was kinda losing that foggy notion and things were looking clearer, better.  Turned on music opened the blinds and just laid in the puddle of sun.  Warming up my tense and rubbery bones.  I feel like a sloth but thats nothing new.

Than I was just overcome with a paralyzing sense that using a little more bupe wont be too bad.  For god sakes I went 48 with none than .25mgs than no more for another 60 hours.  It’s just that sense where logic goes right out the window and all I am is consumed with the here and now and how I dont like how I am feeling.  I knew I should have gotten rid of the last of my bupe I had lying around but of course I kept it around for maybe future incidents of extreme craving when I am a few weeks out.  I should have learned from my past mistakes but my thinking feels jello like.

So I reach on my nightstand and grab my trusty book that already has a few lines lined out it.  Than I got a this moment of clarity where I said man what the fuck!!!  So with out even thinking I expelled a huge lung of air and blew that dust into the air.  I felt great after doing that it seemed like I was making a conscious positive decision.  That was a fleeting emotion and I quickly grabbed my trusty tooter and did a couple push throughs’ and had a small line which I hoovered up my nose.   FUCK.  Cant beat myself up over it.  Besides it was nothing maybe .1mg maybe.  Point is it was nothing but I think the psychological effect from doing it made me feel somewhat better?

I did it at 5:03, it is 5:53 right now normally I would be feeling absolutely perfect [as in the dose would have kicked in] but I still feel achy.  I dont think it will set me back to far.  I shouldnt of done it, I was so proud that I blew off my other lines into the air than seconds later I am scraping my tooter.  Kinda pathetic.  I have always been such a pussy when it comes to w/d.  Although I have been through countless w/d and I know what helps me to get by.

What worries me is I have some school work I should be doing over spring break, thats probably not happening soon.  I am also worried that I have delayed the w/d so now I will still be experiencing w/d when back in school.  Which I know I would be anyways but now they might be a little more prominent.  Mush brain and no motivation doesn’t go to well with school work.  Why the fuck did I pick this time to do a detox?   Do I actually like to put myself thru this shit?  Of course not but my prior record would definitely disagree.  One more thing I am worried about is my intake of benzos causing some kinda freak lapse back into the states I have been in the past ughh year.  I know it wont and I wont have a problem putting them down when the opiate aches and restless anxiety diminishes.

I can actually eat, I just grilled a hamburger.  Cracked a beer and had a puff or 2 of stinky green.  Sometimes I wonder if weed brings on anxiety when I am in w/d.  This particular batch brings anxiety in me in general and it really is just good for sunsets and music.  I dont think I would saay this is a good medical strain.  BUT I DONT KNOW because medical marijuana is illegal in Chicago, Illinois.  fucking get with it already.

So where was I…  yeah…  I hate w/d’s and everything associated with them except for those moments of clearing you get when your out of the woods, I am still waiting, tap-tap-tap.  My pupils have been looking bigger lately and my vision kinda blurry.  I cant tell you the last time I had normal sized pupils except for amphetamines or psychedelia, but is that really normal?  So bordumb strikes me now, I might finish my beer and go to a NA meeting [it takes energy to get dressed though] and take another klonopin and try to pass the next hours a little easier or I can be a lazy bum and watch Million Dollar Match Maker on Bravo.  I could call a friend and go see Alice in Wonderland but I have a feeling that the show will still be too crowded with people.  I hate crowded theaters I need my space, ya know.

I feel like I need something miraculous to step into my life.  So if anybody that reads this send some prayers/energy this way just picture the suburbs of Chicago, a house tucked into the woods, a kid laying in his bed, he is wearing fleece pants and a cashmere sweater with no undershirt.  His room is clean but messy, kinda like his mind.  I am in need of any help I can get so if you have a second or two before you drift off to dreamland please wish me well.  🙂

Peace,

Seedless

What a couple of crazy days in the news!  Oranges dripping in icicles, Playboy playmate killed after Club Space tossed in dumpster and lit on fire, Sarah Palin joining Fox News, and of course the massive rescue efforts needed to help with the Haiti earthquake.  This world is starting to teeter on chaos and its been a long time coming, awaking.  I wish I could do more than just pray but thats all I can do.  The American Dream is now the American nightmare according to the talking heads on television.  I wonder how long this transition will take before it gets much, much worse or before the golden dawn breaks and light starts to illuminate all.  Such a tumultuous time to live during human history.  It is exciting concerning the positive new spiritual ideas that will be coming out but also a sad and depressed time with way to much suffering.   Makes me realize how luck I am to live in the lifestyle that I do but yet I still am unhappy or I complain to myself.

I guess I am finally starting to break thru the tail end of this depressive slump I have been in.  Although I think it was more of growing up period as quitting drugs last Jan. has been an extremely awkward adjustment.  Things will start to fall into place soon.  I started school on Monday and it great.  I hesitated for so long to get my life on track and this is just what I needed to start being active in my life again.  I sometimes I wonder what I was the fuck I was thinking I was doing the last decade but I know that answer.  I wasn’t thinking, I was just a numbed out, zombied, dopefiend.  I only am taking 3 classes this semester, as I didnt want to jump back into school to quick and all of a sudden I would have too much going on.  Although at this point I think I could have handled one more.

Tonight I am going to get some pizza with these 2 girls from AA and then go to the meeting we normally go to.  I have considered asking one of the girls if she wants to hang out or do something sometime.  She asked me out maybe about 6 months ago but I was hesitant to get involved in a relationship because I was so fresh in recovery and needed to stay focused.  I did end up hanging out with her a couple times and I do see her twice a week.  I am sure she wonders what the fuck is with me but then again I think about things way to much and psych myself into a position I am not comfortable in.  Finally I am starting to feel alot better from those never ending benzo w/d’s and my anxiety is dropping to close to nothing.  I constantly self-sabatoge myself when it comes to relationships and this is one thing I have been commited to changing as its well past due.

There has been this huge hawk hanging out in my backyard all afternoon.  It is probably keeping its yellow eyes peeled for an afternoon snack.  Such is life.  My prayers go out to the people of Haiti and I hope things start to get better.  I am sure there are heroic, good-natured, caring acts occurring as I type.  The hand of God is busy at work and filled with light juxtaposed onto the dark destruction that was allowed to occur yesterday.  Everything for a reason, another domino falls…

Peace,

Seedless

I dont do much these days and that has been a huge hurdle for me to get over.  In the past during my many attempts to get clean I would usually just switch up my addiction to other things such as booze, girls, sex, prescription meds, etc.  This time it had to be different I didnt/dont think I would be able to handle a full scale relapse so I made some changes.  The biggest being that my friends or using partners, in order for me to fully step out of that lifestyle I just abandoned everything.  When I was in the throes of a dark amphetamine mental breakdown last x-mas I threw my cell phone into the fireplace burning away contacts.  I still havent purchased a new one as I have never really liked cellphones, something about people always being able to get a hold of me I dont like.  I still have a home phone if need be.

I first started on amphetamines maybe a few years? after my psych doctor started me on buprenorphine which was 7’ish years ago.  Adderall and Dexadrine were by far the most destructive drugs I have used.  They bent my brain in such a real fashion being the addict I am/was I was always abusing them, no thanks to my doctor.  She used to give me soo many drugs for years I would walk out of her office with a sample bag of vitamins and new sleep meds or trial offers than I would pop across the street to the Cost Co where the pharmacist and his underlings all knew my name.  A typical refill from this doctor [I had a couple more that I left on the back burners mainly for other benzos] would consist of #80 8mg Suboxone, #90-120 Adderall IR 30mg, #60 Ativan 2mg, #30 Ambien 10mg.  I would walk out of the pharmacy with literally a big bag of pills, go out to my car throw a couple Addys into my trusty pill crusher than pour the powder into the back end of an oral syringe that was already prep’d with water.  Zing up my nose, than I would go shopping for clothes at a near by mall.

I remember one time just getting on with my normal routine and inside Nordstroms buying some shirts and I go to the counter to get rung up and the lady behind the counter asks me if I am ok.  Uh yeah of course I am ok.  I shrug the question of and start getting my money out and she asks me again.

“Are you sure you are ok?”

Once again yeah I am fine taking my purchase I leave and start to wonder what the hell she was talking about.  Sure I probably look like a drug addict skinny, disheveled, and shaky… nothing out of the ordinary for me.  When I got to my car and looked in the mirror I realized why she was questioning me.  My lips were coated in a pale white crust from the 3-4 ativans and klonopins I let dissolve under my tongue and my nose crusted with orange goo, ahh idiot doh’.  Thats one thing I hated about addies the constant nasty orange.  Using an oral syringe bypassed that most of the time but not always. geeker

Anyways…  enough about those days for right now.  Whenever I really start to recall events in the past like that my heart starts beating a little faster and I get a slight shake in my hands.  The beginnings of mild anxiety so I guess I will switch topics.

As for switching my addictions…  I guess what I have done this time is switch to AA and NA meetings, mainly AA because there are alot more with in a short distance from my house.  Plus the people are much different from what you find at your typical NA meeting.  Around here suburbs of Chicago you get alot of soccer moms and the likes.  Tonite I went to a regular meeting I go to and there has been this woman who I can tell has been checking me out a little bit, the last couple weeks we have had a flirtatious banter going back and forth.  I would probably have never elevated it from that as I have a pretty strong policy not to get involved with the women in AA for obvious reasons.  Tonight she gave me her number and asked me if I wanted to go out with her tomorrow night, get something to eat than go to an open mike night.  It’s pretty obvious she is looking for more than just a friendly relationship.  She is divorced, doesnt work, owns a nice home and is very easy on the eyes.  Tonight she was telling me how her family has always been pretty involved in growing marijuana, hmm intriguing.  We have kinda clicked so I said, ‘sure thing’.  So I have something to look forward to tomorrow should be an interesting night.

Ahh well I guess its back to watching Discovery channel ‘Gang Wars: Oakland II’.  I have a light headache.

Peace,

Seedless