March 2007


The world of Spring in its fractal phase of the half moon, has brought with it a change in my view of my life.  Evil forces were lurking on Tues night heavily, hard to describe and I dont feel like it but a reptilian force was creeping thru the misty forest dugout, I was spinning into the clouds while the half moon shone brightly to my west the skies were alight with lightning to the east the clouds were exploded with color as they morphed into three little drops of liquid.  I wiped it off my forehead with the back of my hand.

Having put off change for sooo… long it is happening NOW, my plans are in action and I will be off a handfull of meds by summer and I will have a extra 15-20 lbs. on my frail frame with-in a month or two.  Dealing with such ugly and spiteful forces that make up the majority of this town it makes me want to puke at the attitude of most people.  So sad and disgusting in there actions I have to pinch myself to make sure I am not in 8th grade.  Lies Lies sad what addiction does to people.

In other news, I have been clean off heroin for pushing 13-14 months now, its time to put an end to Buprenorphine treatment its a tiring battle that I have decided to put behind me and move on.  I have 5K and my parents will match that for me to buy a new car, but I dont want one truthfully.  I enjoy not polluting the environment.  I need to leave this town of ‘hopelessness’ and set-up temporary camp in the city.  Nice loft, nice chicks, and nice schools.  I had a strange experience the other day I ran into 2 of my ex-g/f’s in two days.  Very weird, first one the nurse is doing well and I havent decided if I am going to call her back most likely as she is honest, respectful and CLEAN!!!!  I just feel so bad about how I treated her and how I consequently broke up with her {BAD}.  I apologized slightly but I feel I could wrtie a better apology on paper as I truely treated the girl like a piece of meat, I treaded her like shit and I regret it majorly it bugs my as I lay down to sleep some nights.  It needs to be taken care of.

The other ex/fuckbuddy/dope partner seemed ok but you never know hung out with her for awhile after closing, definitely dont feel any attraction physically toward her besides she is bi-, I wount mind having a romp in the bed with her and one of her friends 🙂 but thats about it.

Its time to move on, this Summer will be different.  This summer will be great.  Wish me good tidings, I watchined Celestine Prophecies the other night, very different than the book but making tha book into a movie is a task onto itself.  They did a pretty good job. 

I got a section of my wrokout room set-up in the basement, and I just have to purchase some weights now.  Riding my bike just burns calories like a motherfucker on me, while I dont like weight lifting it is needed in order to repair my damaged body.  Had a massive wipe out on my bike the other night, bent it up thank god I found  a nice bike shop that was able to fix the frame, for a mere $50 bucks, if they couldnt the bike would have been trashed.  $1200 bucks down the drain, I could have scraped it for parts and I was kinda excited to get a new one but a new bike would be in the $2000 range.  Who knows maybe I will pick up a second bike off Craigs list, a 2005 Stumpjumper or something in that range I saw a nice 1995 Trek 9000 Carbon Fiber frame, listed obviously it was hot as the asking price was $250 that bike is/was worth $2000.  I need to look around on there.  Also it is cactus buying season, and I am running a little behind schedule on my purchases.  I am going to go with 3 different sellers, this year I am going to have a bumper crop, slowly switching my 25 different varieties down to 2 main ones, and as many variations as I can get of those.  Green thumb, green mind, colour GREEN, mean grean.

LEAGALIZE!!!
Well I will cut this short as I feel like hitting the evening breeze…

I just went about my business
I really don’t have much to say
The city cars just keep on rolling along
It’s just an ordinary day

Pat Sajak spun his big wheel
Vanna White clapped her hands
The sun came up and down
The Earth still spun around
It’s just an ordinary day

Did you read the morning paper?
Did you brush your teeth?
We have only scratched the surface
Much more is lying underneath

Eggs and bacon for my breakfast
With some orange juice on the side
It don’t take a brilliant genius
To see that life’s a bit cockeyed
To see that life’s a bit cockeyed
Well, I just went about my business
I really don’t have much to say
The city cars just keep on rolling along
It’s just an ordinary day
Peace & good vibes,

Seedless

Well my sister is having a baby, she went in tonight to have induced labor, personally I dont agree with it I think a baby should come out naturally when its ready, but thats medicine for you. I felt excited for her for the first time as it finally hit me ‘SHIT my sister is having a baby’. She stopped by the house and was downplaying her nervousness but you could tell or rather her it in her voice. I am happy for her and even more happy she has a GREAT husband. She said tomorrow nite the baby will be born, but than I guess the labor inducing meds are working a bit quicker than they expected.

I have to get her some kind of gift, I was thinking a nice Teddybear with the baby’s name embroidered on it but since she didnt want to know the sex of the baby [weird IMO] I dont know for sure yet. If its a girl its Ashlynn, if its a guy, Logan. I dont know about the Ashlynn as if you say it quick it kinda sounds like a guys name. So I have to figure something out I dont know where I would find a place that would embroider his or her name on the Teddybear, possible the hospital? I was thinking of some flowers too??? I dont know. I will probably pick up a nice new crystal for the baby, cleanse it and probably than dip it in holy water, which we have stocked in the fridge [Dont ask]. On a sidenote I used to use the holy water to shoot up back in the day kinda wacked but thats me, SMILE.

So thats it on the personal front. Other than my brief attempt to reconcile with my ex g/f [if u want to call her that], I was hoping things would be different, but I knew they wouldn’t be same ol same ol… Sad, that two ppl cant even talk. I am not a fool and dont need negative energy like that in my life. She is a great girl, beautiful, and deep down somewhere there is a truely great person but like an onion there are so many layers and complications to her personality. She can blame me all she wants what ever makes her feel better, but the fact of the matter deception, hidden lies, some sort of complex that she is superior to me, and a whole lot of other things just but some sort of block between us. Usually I could give a fuck less, but this is the first time I have EVER felt strong emotions toward a girl I was with. Which made it hard to deal with but I got over that awhile back now, stupidly I thought she changed. Maybee she did? but I wouldnt know I cant even have a conversation with the girl. I have never experienced such a guarded, secretive, person before. Perhaps if she could view herself from anothers perspective she could see how she comes off, either that or visit a shrink and work thru whatever issues she has because jeez I have never seen a piece of work like her before. I hate to say it for if somebody reads this and whatnot… but I definitely think some psychotropic medicine is in order. I am far from perfect but it just makes me sad, I dont know if I am sad for her or sad for me. Most likely both, as its painful to watch somebody I truely liked just transform into a crazy person at times. Its sad for me I guess because its really the only person I have ever cared about in a relationship and I would love to just be able to hangout and chill but 2-3 days into it BOOM, same shit, different day. It hurts having to try to cut myself off from her but I just cant deal with some of her traits, I tried pretty damn hard when we were together. Fuck it thats enough, I hope she gets better or just realizes that people arent out to get her. I’ll miss her but thats life eh? Spring is around the corner and I have a feeling its going to be a good spring into summer. Maybe I should have tried harder, and I could have been relaxing in the shade with her on a nice summer day. Fuck why does this bug me so much? Probably because the way she makes me feel by just being around her. A feeling I cant name or put a finger on but just a feeling of nothing matters when I am around her she brings me intouch with feelings I never really felt, and I kinda like the way they felt. I am an idiot sometimes I am not placing blame on her solely I know how I can get sometimes but I just dont know I miss her already and fuck, I feel kinda bad about how I handled talking to her. I dont think there is anyway we can possibly have ANY kind of friendship, I wish with all my might there was and I was hoping that we could just be friends perhaps I jumped the gun as usual, but I cant even talk to her she has a total dominating force a simple question turns into her raising her voice and avoiding the point and than turning the whole thing back on me like I am some bad person for trying to rationally talk. It breaks my heart. Poor me eh?

On a different note…

this time change has fucked up my time perception and its nite time for me, time to enter the dwellings of the unconcsious.

I will return with my normal scheduled posting, fear not the lunatic is on the grass. Coded in clouds of mist, wetting your face with my fucking tongue.

You cant always get what you want,

I went down to chelsea drugstore to get my prescription filled,

I was standing i line with Mr. Jimmy

favorite flavor cherry read, he was dead to the core,

stole his face right off his head, and threw dead flowers [poppies]

on his grave. Oh to be Prince Caspian, sail away into the sunset.

uhh what. sleepingpill kicking in is what

No tickets needed for entry into the ‘Wacky World of Sick People’, its free. [maybe $40 and some tinfoil, and I am a rockstar, with a glasspipe] Funky Junky, I think I hear John Spencer band singin Flavor…  The flavor of flat beer, the flavor of motherfucking get on the right medication, roll the dice with a handful of Anti-Psychotics.  Shit, mine as well take some SSRI’s to help.  Get a doctor, get your head explored open your eyes and realize your in the Wacky World of Sick People.

Had an OK weekend and I say that somewhat with a sigh, a shake of the head, and why cant ppl function normally?  I am not one to talk, but shit I am not so far out of the solar system, that my emotions and communications skills are frozen from lack of heat from the Sun.  The madcap laughs, faces of people and places dont change @ least very few I know.

I leave off here because I am sleepy and cant think of anything to write.  I can but I usually keep my private life somewhat off here so maybe I’ll paint you a picture tomorrow of some wacked out shit.  I feel so sorry for some people sometimes, and I am not perfect like I said fortunetly I dont suffer from just fucked up mental issues.  Anyways Im off to wipe the ugliness from my brain.  I just feel Sad, its depressing watching people try to pretend like they even give a shit, just so they can get theirs.

I’ll write later, about this long weekend, which I rarely do but I like documenting certain events and maybe I can purge the negativity out of me.

Yeah.  Amy’ster ya believe that I really did break up with CH, contrary to what she says, lies, omits facts, its just laughable that she even would bring up the fact. I told her to fuck off and ran as fast as I could away from that loony bin as I could.  That girl is so far off her rocker she musta hit her head and maybee thats why she is the way she is.  Oh god I could go on and on but frankly I could careless.  I dont know why I let people use me?  There are just some ssssssick people out there that are just gone.  God I am laughing thinking of the absurdity.

Hopefully they will all find some guidance in something other than powder and pills, lies and deception, and putting up such a facade thats eggshell thiin you can see right thru it.  Oh Well, life goes on and you learn something everyday.  Maybee Ill write more later, maybee I wont it makes my stomach turn in disgust.

Spring is near and the Sun will shine…

Seedless

DE-men-shu   cubed into a warped conical fake reality, you just have to kinda nod and be like yeah ok, sure your fake Christmas tree looks good, when the thing is bare and bent up.

word to the motherfucking space ship that dropped these people off makes life interesting yet so sad.

“While you were gone
these spaces filled with darkness
The obvious was hidden
With nothing to believe in
the compass always points to Terrapin

The sullen wings of fortune beat like rain
You’re back in Terrapin for good or ill again
For good or ill again”

Who else the Grateful Dead, a rare and different tune.  I have been going batty over a Mealy Bug infestation or what I perceive to be one, taking place on the flesh of my tormented cacti, cursed bugs and pests.  Making me pray to the spirits of the enchanted cacti, hoping on a light the it will all be a figment of my imagination.  Ha, not likely those Mealy bugs are hungry and I feel helpless… I am not about to get into systemic insecticide treatments my organic hearts weeps a tear.  Whats that Bug?

Ahhh…  I’ll blow off some steam and cop a few lines of nonsense: Brain-Dead, lighting bolted alive.  For now I am left to live in a depressive state of ‘get the fuck over with Winter’ leaving me withdrawn and I find myself Isolating and becoming slowly deranged.  I need a life so bad, if only…  if this would happen… if I would fuck her…  Ah its all a bunch of snooty hot young sluts thats all I see, always making a quick beeline to the washroom.  A wipe a the nose, oh not me I never touch the stuff, yeah tell that to the fucking double gram rock in your pocket, because I could frankly give a shitless.  I wish my dreams could come true?  Dont you?  Ahh the images of wants, I want nothing more that to be normal.  To live a day completely clean, yeah yeah I am not taking illicit drugs but my shrink has me bent every-which-way.  Warping the flesh from my body as I am bug eyed and never hungry.

I need to change my pace, to much thinking can leave me staring into a muddled puddle trying to glimpse a glance of my reflection.  Damn, I need a haircut.  Its seems as the sun hasnt shown its healing rays lately [or maybee I slept thru them only to be left standing in the empty space, hood up, and flurries of snow swirling into a surreal moment of suspended time.  I can scream out loud and no one answers, just the old owl in the Evergreen, coo-coo-cha-cho’ing weird streams of illuminated lines of Geometry.  Sparkling in their brilliant neon green, they encircle my body beating there formula’s into Mother Earth who quickly picks up on the funk’d out bass line and the ground starts to hum with electromagnetic pulses, a frequency that vibrates a little bit higher.  Behind closed eyelids, images of breathing eastern Mandals, dizzy array of starships on the horizon tonight eh’.  All preaching a theory of live, interwoven with the gnarled roots of the Oak Tree which are dressed up in cute little suits made of of the milkway.  Starlight, Starbright, am I hearing things, shhhush.  There over there in the tree line, a orb floats at eye level, I know its of intelligence.  Peering thru a smokey quartz crystal kaleidoscope the pieces all fall in place.  From my cross-legged ‘American Indian Stylin’ poise of body.  The vibration’s that whisper in the night, travel into my bloodstream, warming me with the knowledge %ێГ3x^=۞|#9#9#9#9 that I am after all these years still in tune with whats really shaking the underground American Apple Pie adventures of deep, rythmic breathing, entranced to the spiral stars to venus on a overcast days as this.  All from yellow graphing paper and the equation of Ω‰=and the pen thou roams.  \\\  Cutback to an image of a longhair teenager, ripping a blue graffix bong  ///  From the swirls of the green smoke John Lennon sings sweet words of wizdum, striking a chord with thee…

Turn off your mind relax and float down-stream,
It is not dying, it is not dying,
Lay down all thought surrender to the void,
It is shining, it is shining.
That you may see the meaning of within,
It is speaking, it is speaking,
That love is all and love is ev’ryone,
It is knowing, it is knowing.
When ignorance and haste may mourn the dead,
It is believing, it is believing,
But listen to the color of your dreams,
It is not living, it is not living.
Or play the existence to the end.
Of the beginning, of the beginning.
Of the beginning. Of the beginning.

Tomorrow just never knows, as images of eyes stare at me with a blank stare curious about what?  Why are you watching me?  [palms or psalms 6 or so mg’s of xanax and let the dissolve into a buttery nothingness underneath my tongue].  The same tongue that likes to sing the song of pigtail girls blushing as a rash of giving it to them slow and steady at about half notch, turning the dial past 2 we have a naked girl quivering.  Oh yeah, keep sucking I might cum, OK this is getting old.  Lets just stop you cant get me off.  Yeah your tits are perky and have me tongue tied and twisted, Yeah your ass is perfect, and you moan sweet nothings which unhitch my thoughts and I am in some smokey room in another time as my eyes cut thru the smoke I hear Velvet Underground singing backwards,  And this is what he said… Oh sweet nuthin’… She ain’t got nothing at all… Oh sweet nutin’… She ain’t got nothing at all… Say a word for Polly May, She can’t tell the night from the day… Oh sweet nuthing…zing her head flies up a finger pressed against her nostril.  Her teeth as white as can be starts talking, and talking morphine ‘heheehe’ into those wind-up cartoon toys of chattering teeth.  Mothers little helper, 3 blues laid down on her pressed pillowcase each and every night for her, a perfect contrast that image has.  Art, in the pharmacological sense, a tale left to be unconscious.

Riding no handed, peddling backwards while blowing bubbles of ‘Big League Chew’ Splat a sticky mess.  No rhyme no reason as I wish I had her undressed.  Little Chrissy body perfectly shaped, tis a shame nothing ever became from nothing.  Unwound and fallen like the strap on a tank top as your breasts swell nicely, and fuck what a number I would pull on you, sideswiped from behind bent over your school desk I would have you begging for me inch by inch, yeah you were a good fuck, shit, you were a great fuck and I would fuck you this second but in a second passes a thousand minutes and what was just now, was time whistling its sweet memories.  A tune that makes you slither like Axle Rose singing that one song… Patience?  Overlapped in a decade over decade framework, a blown Jim Morrison can be heard chanting… Theres danger on the edge of town,

Ride the kings highway, baby!
Weird scenes inside the gold mine.
Ride the highway west, baby!

Ride the snake, ride the snake
To the lake, the ancient lake, baby
The snake is long, seven miles
Ride the snake…hes old, and his skin is cold

Wrapped up in your disease of discombobulation, Buddha’s Little Helper is synonymous with D-lysergic acid diethylamide.  A crystal clear drop jacked into you vein.  Snakin’ on down lsd, Neon nodding on Lake Shore Drive as Chicago’s finest flakes of heroin drift into your lap.  Its always there, just turn down the street with no streetlights.  Strung out mess, your tracked up arms and emaciated frame call out the parasite you want to be infected by.  Addicted to Addiction.  The bent spray painted trashcans are perfect cover as you jack a 1/4 gram into you hand, hitting a vein on your middle finger.  If you still got a finger in the honeypot you mine as well flick it and fuck it up because your so far fucking gone what you you would do for your next fix, would blow your Mothers head, dirty girls and there pure deeds.  Like an old ex girlfriend I had a loooooong time ago would tell me how she would take the acid I gave her on a rainy tuesday school night, scared and sucking her thumb she stumbled into Mothers room and asked for a bedtime story as she was having trouble sleeping.  Her Mother would read to her ‘Alice in Wonderland’ as she rested her head on her mothers lap.  True event that happened as time had it written in its book.

So yeah.  Party till you puke, grind your jaw and blabber about nothing, nod off eyes drooping shut, swirl into fractals, just do it on your Swatch Watch time as my Swatch is broken.  A moment in history literally stopped in time.

Theres a blue light, in my best friends room
Theres a blue light, in his eyes
Theres a blue light, yeah,
I want to see it, shine

Theres a ship, that sails by my window
Theres a ship that sails on by,
Theres a world under it
I think I see it,
Sailing away

I think its sailing,
Miles crashing me by
Crashing me by,
Crashing me by…

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