December 2009

NYE used to be alot more fun when I was younger.  Those NYE’s would be spent drunk,    popping pills, house parties, and than the typical psychedelic midnight treat.  Lots of fun but that is just not fun for me these days.  Fun would be a nice quiet night at dinner with my girlfriend in Chicago and a romp in the hotel that over looks the skyline, maybe next year.  I used to always have a huge stock pile of drugs you name it I had it and I was always in a blur.  Now-a-daze that creates anxiety for me, and I am just hoping its rebound anxiety that will dissipate before long.

I was planing on just kicking it at home in front of the fire place with some reefer.  I woke up late 3pm and decided I didnt want to do anything.  The phone was ringing but I didn’t answer any calls.  Than the phone rang and it was the girl I went to the movies with last night she asked me to come over to her b/f and her house to hang out with the both of them.  Which seems a little weird but she knows what I have been going thru and is trying to get me out of the house to be social.  Something that I need or else I turn into a pity party and get down on myself for being anti-social.  I can get into the worst slumps.  So I guess some boardgames, funky skunky smelly green shit, liquor and some friends will work nicely.  Hey its much better than watching Food Channel ‘The Next Food Network Star’ marathon.

I dont really feel like drinking but hey NYE only comes once a year, plus its a full moon, blue moon, and some what of a lunar eclipse so you never know what will happen.  Although I doubt I will be howling at the midnight moon.  Awooo the werwolves of London.



Ive been in a bit of a hibernation since Christmas.  Things are slow these days as I am not going out to bars or parties.  I guess I am ok with that I definitely do not miss those drunken sloppy nights and headache mornings.  I do miss the wide range of females out there though.  I ran into an old girlfriend a few days back, will see if anything happens.  She took down my number but dumbass me doh! didn’t ask for her number, yet I wonder why I am slacking lately.  It was a little awkward as I used to also date her sister at one time and years ago we were fucking in my car in her driveway.  Things were pretty heavy in the back seat of the Cadillac causing the windows to fog up.  She was ontop of me naked when there was a knocking on the window.  She reached over and wiped some of the fog off the window to see her dad peering in.  Heather, get it the house!  I told her I could never show my face around her house after that, instead I hooked up with her twin sister.

Anyways when I ran into her she was with her brother who she introduced me to as the one that got caught with Heather having sex in the driveway.  Eh not something you really want the brother of the family knowing but it was eons ago but funny story regardless.  I was going to go to a AA meeting tonight but another old girlfriend or rather friend that is a girl called and asked if I wanted to go see a movie.  She has a boyfriend at the moment go figure!  She is truly a great friend and its nice to have somebody to bounce my thoughts off of.  I have known her for well over 20 years man I am getting old.

I am seriously considering trying a complete detox of my bupe [1mg nasal].  I have had the last year to detox as I have not been working nor had anything tying me down but I always tell myself, ahh tomorrow, or screw it I dont want to stop.  School is starting on the 11th and that would only give me like 10 days or so to ‘get back with it’.  I am already getting some anxiety from the issue of starting school, its been 5, 6, years or so since I was last enrolled so I dont know.  Its like I am torn stop or continue.  I really want to stop very badly but its so hard for me to give it up and I dont know why because all it does these days is cause me grief.  I have had it by my side for the last 7 or more years that is the really hard part.

For years when I was taking 32mgs a day in reality I was taking one and saving 3 pills so needless to say I have/had quite the stash.  I have enough left to carry me another solid year or more and thats part of the problem it so hard for me to quit something with availability so rapid, excuse?  Part of me says go for it, it will be the best decision you will make and the next time you have the time wont be for a little while.  Sigh.

I was going to come in here and complain about how I hate my life and woe is me, etc. ad nauseum but I guess things could be sooo much worse.  The truth of the matter is the thing that sucks these days is my attitude but it has been so hard changing it as I have been stuck in a humdrum lifestyle for so long now.



I had a hard time sleeping last night, I was haunted by memories of old girlfriends.  Well not so much them but more-so the memories of how much of a fuck-up I was.  It makes my stomach twist in a knot and I feel like an empty shell, an earth going vessel with no port insight or in mind.  So what do I do?  I get up and go look at some old notebooks/scrapbooks/photos which in turn makes me wince at my behavior back than.  Those memories are some of my most depressing.  I try not to think about those days but I guess I long for yesterdays.  Once I get that thought train rollin’ in my head its pretty hard for me to derail it.

Yeah I have definitely made some stupid ass decisions in my life many of which came when I was under distress from self-induced drug addiction.  Which is absolutely no excuse but yet I kinda use it as an excuse.  I have apologized to a few of them but that did nothing to ease my mind nor did I apologize for my benefit.  Who knows what they think/thought of me?  I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and I stick to that motto when I have thoughts like these as it makes everything feel just a bit better.  It makes me feel like God has stuck his fingers in my life and swirled it around a little bit.  Is that some sort of twisted rationalization on my part?  I don’t care because I do believe it.  I know I am being a bit vague about the memories I am talking about and thats one thing that bugs me sometimes when I am reading things other people write.  I also dislike when people share at a AA/NA meeting and they are vague, I want to scream… WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, shit.  Anyways moving on.  I can’t even remember what it was I came here to get away from.

Christmas, fun fun fun…  I cant wait for it to be over.  This has probably been the worst year of my life thank God its coming to a close.  I really can not remember last Christmas I was a grade A wreck.  Sketched out from speed [losing it mentally], hopelessly addicted to benzos, and a handful of other OP8 pharmy pills.  My pharmacy bill each month could have been a mortgage payment, or a rent payment.  I probably couldn’t go more than 3-4 hours with out medicating myself.

So sad looking back on it.  It was almost like I had a death wish but the cruel joking universe wouldn’t let me die.  I will tell you though thru my whole life of drug addiction nothing was as scary as how badly amphetamines fucked with me, nothing like losing your mind and watching it unfold like some TV sitcom stuck on fast forward.  Amp’s struck a chord in me that reverberated thru every cell in my body.  Shaking my brain so badly I didnt know which way was up, I sure know which way is down now though.  I dont know why I write about this stuff nobody really reads it, I guess its more of a purge of thoughts or puking of negative thoughts?   I do like documenting my life either in hand written journals or via the internet.  Why?  I guess I could say so that others would learn from my mistakes but thats not altogether true but just a bonus.  I like being able to look back and re-read my life, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Plus it feels good when I write something that strikes a chord with me.  I have not been writing to many drug-a-log stories lately and I definitely have a few more I should write down [i.e apartment stories, mashed potatoes, first day, meth, police, bleeding, geeked] there are a couple good stories from that time period.  We’ll see.

Ugh I have a headache.



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11:13 pm

Its a little chilly outside tonight and the snoflakes are floating quietly through the air.  As usual I am sitting on the couch.  I have some big fluffy ski socks on, Patagonia fleece ‘lazy’ pants, a cashmere sweater with no undershirt, and my favorite green knit ski hat.  I have the ear flaps tied up on the top of my head.  I have a small fire going in the fireplace, birch wood which puts off quite the flame at first.  The woods in the backyard are dark the only light is coming from the multi-colored string of christmas lights.  I love how the lights look when they are covered in a blanket of snow.  The snow lights up with a diffused glow that is somewhat comforting.

Yet I sit here alone, mindlessly flipping thru nonsense television.  Is this why I got clean?  It seems as if these days I have more issues than when I was constantly using.  At least when I was in active addiction I had some excitement in my life, I never knew what to expect with each day.  I suppose I can only blame myself for how I feel as I dont return many phone calls and I make excuses as to why I dont want to be social.  I need to find myself a girlfriend.  Somebody I can focus my energy on, somebody that can help me through this lull in my life.

Why is it that when I am looking for a girlfriend everything is sparse but when I am not looking things seem to fall into place.  When it rains it pours?  I keep dragging my feet in my effort to change myself and sometimes it is just a jumbled, mixmatched, shook up mess.  I should be thankful that I am not strung out chasing that next hit or sitting in some bar, bored.  I constantly feel like I just complain about my life on here but so the fuck what.  It is better than what I could be doing.  I suppose this is part of recovering, this is part of the price I pay for living a life of intoxication that drips of extremes and excess.  Its natural that I have to come back down from floating in the atmosphere for so long.  I just didn’t think it would last this long.  Or am I just prolonging it by constantly thinking about how ‘crappy’ I think my life is.

I was supposed to go to this meditation class tonight but I blew it off because I woke up late in the afternoon and well frankly I didn’t really feel like it.  I have to start forcing myself to do things I dont want to.  Things are going to change soon, school starts in less than a month and that should be an interesting endevour.  I absolutely hate Sunday nights like this, I know sleep will not be coming soon as I have only been up for 9’ish hours.  In times past I would just medicate the hell outta myself and get to sleep and least somethings are changing.  I saw that movie ‘Avatar’ this weekend and attended an AA meeting and a NA meeting.  Most of the time I am just going through the motions, stuck in this always the same, daily monotony called life.

I suppose I will make a cup of Sleepy-time tea flip thru the TV for a good movie [that I havent seen 5 times] and hope dreamtime will come sooner than I think.  And just maybe, just maybe I will feel better tomorrow and things will slip into place and I will be happy.



[Old draft 2-3 yrs old?  Ahh found the date they are dated Jan 2, 2006]

I saw the light in your eyes
I knew it was too good to be true
Deep down in those Baby blues

I sit in the darkened room watching the embers glow from with-in.  A solitude ember alive with-in itself pulses.  My pipe picks up a partial glow.  My mind listens and processes each creak and crack in the old house.  The stars are shining bright, the view framed by tree limbs reaching for there next growth ring.  Windowpanes etched in delicate swirls frost forms in the corners.  The nuances of starlite occasionally shooting the random twinkle of a prism.  All is still and slow, frozen air.  I am an ember glowing bright a faint light visible from the heavens above.  My body is in a deep relaxation.  My dreamland.  Behind my eyelids a landscape of 1950’s nostalgia [Pretty Pretty Peggy Sue, 3-button sweaters, shiny big American cars].  I think of her, the fire cracks.  Am I one of the fortunate souls who can obtain enlightenment and find true peace and joy from the simple elegance of life.  Thoughts zip thru my head, I hope one of these browsing thoughts will trigger a neurological reaction pushing me into dream world that becomes reality.

I feel a sudden sense that in my life I will have a seizure from withdrawing from benzodiazapines, I will hit my head just right, and over night I will be a savant.  I wish there was a spiritual savant out there most are idiot savants and cant really function, day-to-day.  I think to myself that just might make a good book druggie dope fiend trips hits his head and is a over night genius spreading metaphysical truths to the broken sciences that got shattered the day they started to cook the books back in the 40’s.

My spaceship is ready and waiting for a trip to the cosmos, oh how I wish I could take you.  Your hand in mine and electro-static is dancing its electronic jig on our fingertips.  Clear your head of your daily troubles, ease out of your body and meet me around the corner.  I will be floating under the street lamp.  Its such a shame the human race is so FUCKED>

I miss you
I think of you often
when I am behind the stars
when I am twiddling my fingers staring out the window
when I am with another girl
dreamlite flash
Wish to see my stash
come help me make sense of the swirl

[Old post, I decided I would post some of the 100 or so old entries I have in my draft folder.  I dont even remember writing most of these but I am thankful I am not in that mindframe  2-2.5 yrs old?]

I dont have much to say, I briefly got back with my ex this past week, I was in heaven and in hell.  I just dont understand how someone can be crazier than me…?  I didnt think it was possible.  Well I have erased her from my memory, I can not put myself thru such insanity.  It is soo unhealthy for me…

I am sad, feel fractured, and incomplete.  I cant let it get to me, I was in the clear I had her forgotten.  Than with a flick of a finger she is back, than with a flick of a finger she is gone.  I feel sick.

[tear that page out…  RIP]

It was a morning just as this in years past where I would not be able to control myself.  I awoke early 4:30 am or so, dazed and trying to fit the pieces of what happened.  Feelings of sadness, anger, disappointment, and helplessness cursed thru my being.  I roll out of bed still in the clothes I was wearing from yest. or was it the day before?  I reach for my pills… gulp, gulp, gulp.  No instant relief I think to myself as I stare out my windows at the first snow of the season.  Billions of individual snoflakes making up a white blanket.  I dont even hesitate, I am in my car and on my way to cop heroin.  The only thing that will make me forget.

Forget, thats all I want to do.  I dont want to feel, I dont want to think, I dont really even want to be alive,  My car drives itself right up to the corner where there are 3 people, wrapped in heavy winter coats, hoods pulled down tight.  The snow whips in circles.  I pull over and yell out can I get a pack?  The lifeless bodies jump into action one stands far out on the corner, watching for incoming cars.  The other runs to the curb and starts digging in the snow pulling out a crumpled piece of paper which he grabs my pack of heroin out, and crumbles it back up and re-stashes the bundles of dope.  He pulls off one glove as he gets close to my window, he hands me a strip of double sided tape, enclosed inside are 11 bags of heroin wrapped in tinfoil.  Good dope, I ask?  You’ll be back is his only answer.  I hand him a hundred bucks, which he counts and hands over to the 3rd man/child? standing in the pre-dawn darkness.

I put it in gear and my tires spin untill they somewhat get traction on the backroads of the inner-city streets.  I drive for about a block, not worried about police this early in the morning, I pull over sliding into the curb.  Before I have the car in park, I have my needles and cooker laying out on the passengers seat, I rip open the tape and free three tinfoils from their protective, waterproof seal.  My shaking hands fumble trying to unfold the bags, one bag gets dumped into the cooker, a pinky finger taste and I know I am golden.  The second bag gets emptied as the flakes of heroin gently float onto there landing space, I am reminded of the first snow of the season.  I look out my window into the dark morning light, strong wave after wave of snow blasts against my window.  For a minute I get lost in the hypnotic 3-D effect the flying, falling snow brings.  I think about her, Why? Why? did things happen the way they did?  A tear starts to well-up in my eye.  I quickly empty the 3rd foil out and stare at the mound of off-white heroin laying in a old 7-up soda can that has been ripped in half, and the bottom is used for cooking up my heroin.  I drench the mountain of heroin with a stream of water from a needle, a dark tan heroin/water solution forms.  I drop a cotton in a suck up the mind erasing, feeling destroying, ‘every-thing-is-ok’ solution.  With my heat blasting on high I tie off with my seat belt and desperately try to find a vein strong enough to pop to the surface.  After multiple attempts of stabbing myself, I finally register a crimson mushroom cloud into my needle.  I push the plunger down and fall back into my seat.

Motherfucker, ahhh. The rush starts in my chest and I can feel it being carried by my blood stream…

Its not dark yet but its getting there…

Laying in bed watching Top Chef and listening to Bob Dylan.  After this I will shower, shave and go to a local Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.  Thats my life… simple yet boring.  It has taken me this past year to start to get acclimated to a slow lifestyle, for so long I was living on the edge of life.  One wrong slip and my life would be over.  I am so lucky to still be alive and free to type this.  Thoughts about my heavy using days only serve to reinforce why I cant allow myself to live like that.  Addicted to chaos?  I have always valued my life yet why did I feel much more ‘alive’ when I was half dead.

Overdosed shots of narcotic, fighting tooth and nail with the judicial system, reckless youth?  Or as I have said in the past I felt like I was a teenager in ‘extended release’ formulation.  Nothing ever mattered to me except that next bundle of dope, that next refill on some tranquilizers, that next Skunk #5 harvest, that next fuck, that next…  and I suppose in some way nothing much does matter to me today.  I still feel like I am on some lone empty road meandering through a hilly, sleepy village.  Looking for something to grab my attention yet not trying new things because I feel nervous.  So sad.  I constantly am quick to join the pity party in my mind over what I have not yet experienced or what I have not succeeded in.  I can counter those thoughts by telling myself how lucky? I am, how things could have went a drastically different direction for me.  I could be sitting in a small cell etching lines into the wall trying to take my mind of the fact I am jailed for crimes of the mind, habitual offender of the illicit kind.  For some reason I did not have to fall into that path, unlike many of my original using buddies.   When I get really down and I am pondering my existence and why I choose such a demanding [mentally] path I remind myself that I am still here, alive and kicking.  Unlike soo many of my past friends who were taken down by the needle and had their life cut short.

I have always felt as if someone was watching me from above and has helped me get thru some rough patches time and time again in my life.  I dont know what I am talking about really just rambling and trying to boost my confidence and to shake some of the anxiety I dont medicate these days.  Some days it just feels like there is a big hole in me and something is missing, coincidentally in my mind it takes on the shape of a pill.  The other day I was feeling sorry for myself and took a klonopin, that hole seemed to fill in and my anxiety melted away.  A feeling which is hard for me to describe but when my taste buds are tasting a sublingual clonazepam everything just seems ok.  Now part of the reason I wanted to kick the pills to the curb was that I disliked that false sense that everything was going to be ok.  Dont get me wrong I loved it but hated it at the same time.

Now its been 11 month’ish away from speed, benzos, and booze and I do feel better but I still dont feel right, something is missing?  I enrolled into University to finally finish my psych degree I started so many years ago.  Am I excited?  Yeah I guess but it just feels like I am going thru the motions, something I should have done 15 yrs ago but I was just in a completely different mindspace.  Of course I am still taking bupe, 1mg nasal.  Right now I am on the border of being able to quit before I start classes.  Yet my will power is not where I would like it to be.  There are times where I tell myself its ok to continue Suboxone, despite the rational side of my mind almost screaming at me…  WHAT ARE YOU STUPID?  I just dont know and I put way to much pressure on myself.

The fact is I am alive, healthy, thankful, have a caring loving family that I care about.



My dreams I have almost had some input or control over of late.  I love when I dream and have such clear dream recall as I have been.  Sometimes I can be just sitting watching the fire or the birds in the trees outside, I relax and concentrate on one remembered dream and if I can keep that peace I can some times jog thru my last weeks in dreams that I have long forgot its a strange thing.  I used to be able to do it a few years back frequently.  Perhaps I should start a dream journal so I have a lot more reference points for jumping off.

I have been feeling like crap lately, unmotivated, lazy, not eating healthy, stressed, depressed? or more so I have been stuck in this rut of self induced pity party.  Whats wrong with me.  Ask the time baby I dont know, roll jimmy roll, when are were gonna get there I dont know.  I started to have a panic attack earlier this moring.  I woke up and watched a documentary about Yoga, it was ok but than I started to feel uncomfortable.  I had no appetite and was just blah, nothing to do.  So I said fuck it mine as well take a klonopin 2mg and try not to get into a bad mode.  Watched some stupid MTV show about the Jersey Shore, pretty ridiculous as to how some ppl carry themselves.

I need to join some clubs or something, church?, I dont know… Thank god schools lined up I need to go get my books.  I’d also like to hit the Art Institute [Chicago] sometimes next week, we’ll see.  Ive been wanting to write some more dilapidated stories about using I need to start excersicing my mind for school.



Well I havent written in here lately mainly because I am lazy.

My sleep schedule is out of control these days, I have been sleeping a minimum of 12hrs each night sometimes as many as 16 hrs!  I wake up late in the afternoon and if I am lucky I have an hour of daylight.  I have been eating just one meal a day lately and I am never hungry.  Once I eat I go to one of the NA/AA meetings I go to daily, I have been getting sick of it though as I have been doing it for 9-10 months now.  I question if this is still PAWS from my benzo detox, or if it is depression, or if it is my buprenorphine, or if it is completely changing my lifestyle and not having many people to hang out with.  I guess I was a bit drastic in cutting out a lot of my friendships, Thanks unsubstantiated paranoia from amphetamine abuse.

Sometimes I really wonder why I am placed on this earth.  Has this last year been my punishment for all the sickly deeds I have done in my past?  Man I am having trouble picking out courses for colleges, I keep putting it off, WHY WHY.  I should be doing it right now but I am not.  I am lost in images of my dope days.

Sometimes I want to shed a tear but I cant I am a emotionless robot.  I really shouldnt be complaining but I am. I miss so many things.  Many of which it I that misses myself the most.