Alcoholics Anonymous


I am watching the Golden Globe pre-show what ever, you know where everybody shows of what there wearing.  No surprise that boredumb has permeated my life.  Maria Carey has her own brand of champagne oh god.  I wonder what pills she has in her system?  I definitely know she is hitting the booze.  What is coming next…  The party pack, Voluptuous Valium – watch your cares slide off your back .   I have always had this little crush on Tina Fey.  For some reason I am attracted to those type of girls, i.e the librarian that is completely different than she seems.  Something about that quiet, mousey type of girl does something for me.

I just dosed my bupe and I can taste that orangey drip in the back of my throat.  I can almost feel it flipping some molecular switch in the organic mess I call my brain.  Since school has started I have switched to dosing twice a day.  .5mgs in the morning and .5mg in the evening.  I dont like dosing twice a day because I catch myself thinking more often…  Ahh I kinda feel a little achy…  Or  No wonder why my appetite is lacking I didnt take my bupe.  I am always a sucker for convincing myself I need a bump or so.

Neil Young is pouring out of my speakers, I havent changed a CD in months.  I just mainly listen to music off my ipod but when I do turn it up loud it just doesnt sound quite as good as CD quality.  God I really dont have much to talk about as my social life has gone thru its own drastic detox over the past year.  I have no urge to go out and get drunk and bounce from bar to bar.  I liked doing that when I was 19 or 20 and now I am getting old at 33.  One thing I dont like about going out is running into people I havent seen in a while, most people would like that I think?  But I am not most people.  A friends band played this weekend at a little bar and I decided not to go I feel a little guilty about that and the deciding factor in that decision was the bar that it was held at.  They tried to kick me out of their bar years ago for no good reason, they said I was selling drugs.  As if…  to whom?  My friends?  Fuck off.  They didnt take to kindly to that and I consciously avoid that bar with a passion.

Although about 5 months ago I decided to stop in there and have a couple beers and watch a Cubs game but who is serving the beer?  Some freakin’ dickhead bartender that obviously remembers me and told me I was not allowed to be there.  I debated going into there in the first part as I sat in my car listening to the radio on a rainy weekday night in a church parking lot.  It was either another AA meeting or I could actually do what I wanted.  Rather not really what I wanted to do but it was something that would pass the time.  Maybe I consciously chose that bar with the thought I wouldn’t get served.  Thank god it was empty as that is embarrassing when the bartender gives you some lip and says no beer for you.  Whatever punk.

My friends band is going to play in 2 weeks at a much nicer place and I will just wait untill than.  So the highlight of my weekend?  Probably stopping by the library as they were having a sale.  Selling all of there back issues of magazines, I bought a huge stack of ‘New York’ for like 2 dollars.  They have kept me busy all weekend when I should be outlining the reading I have in some of my classes.

I could ramble on about useless stuff but I dont really feel like it.  I do wonder when the hell am I going to find a girlfriend that I am intrigued by?  Sometimes I wonder…  What if I already meet whom I should marry?  Girlfriends come and go but its a little bit of a dry patch I am hitting lately.  I have told myself I am going to change the modus operandi concerning finding a girl as I am tired of waiting for a girl to pick up on me.  The last string of past girlfriends have been the ones to pick me up and I am talking like the last 10 or so g/f’s.  There is something I find attractive about the woman being the aggressor but it also makes me question if I am just settling for someone that likes me.  I am getting better but sometimes I just dont know.  My nerves are wrecked.  I probably sound like a pussy.

Such is life eh…?  Instead I will listen to Jamiroquai and put on some fresh clothes and go to a AA meeting because I have nothing better to do.  ARGH!  Things could be so much worse and I have been concentrating on being content but its hard when you feel like there are a few things missing in life.  Fake it till you make it?  I dont really find any comfort in that phrase or motto.  It kinda just seems like a cop out.  I need a hair cut.

Peace,

Seedless

What a couple of crazy days in the news!  Oranges dripping in icicles, Playboy playmate killed after Club Space tossed in dumpster and lit on fire, Sarah Palin joining Fox News, and of course the massive rescue efforts needed to help with the Haiti earthquake.  This world is starting to teeter on chaos and its been a long time coming, awaking.  I wish I could do more than just pray but thats all I can do.  The American Dream is now the American nightmare according to the talking heads on television.  I wonder how long this transition will take before it gets much, much worse or before the golden dawn breaks and light starts to illuminate all.  Such a tumultuous time to live during human history.  It is exciting concerning the positive new spiritual ideas that will be coming out but also a sad and depressed time with way to much suffering.   Makes me realize how luck I am to live in the lifestyle that I do but yet I still am unhappy or I complain to myself.

I guess I am finally starting to break thru the tail end of this depressive slump I have been in.  Although I think it was more of growing up period as quitting drugs last Jan. has been an extremely awkward adjustment.  Things will start to fall into place soon.  I started school on Monday and it great.  I hesitated for so long to get my life on track and this is just what I needed to start being active in my life again.  I sometimes I wonder what I was the fuck I was thinking I was doing the last decade but I know that answer.  I wasn’t thinking, I was just a numbed out, zombied, dopefiend.  I only am taking 3 classes this semester, as I didnt want to jump back into school to quick and all of a sudden I would have too much going on.  Although at this point I think I could have handled one more.

Tonight I am going to get some pizza with these 2 girls from AA and then go to the meeting we normally go to.  I have considered asking one of the girls if she wants to hang out or do something sometime.  She asked me out maybe about 6 months ago but I was hesitant to get involved in a relationship because I was so fresh in recovery and needed to stay focused.  I did end up hanging out with her a couple times and I do see her twice a week.  I am sure she wonders what the fuck is with me but then again I think about things way to much and psych myself into a position I am not comfortable in.  Finally I am starting to feel alot better from those never ending benzo w/d’s and my anxiety is dropping to close to nothing.  I constantly self-sabatoge myself when it comes to relationships and this is one thing I have been commited to changing as its well past due.

There has been this huge hawk hanging out in my backyard all afternoon.  It is probably keeping its yellow eyes peeled for an afternoon snack.  Such is life.  My prayers go out to the people of Haiti and I hope things start to get better.  I am sure there are heroic, good-natured, caring acts occurring as I type.  The hand of God is busy at work and filled with light juxtaposed onto the dark destruction that was allowed to occur yesterday.  Everything for a reason, another domino falls…

Peace,

Seedless

I dont do much these days and that has been a huge hurdle for me to get over.  In the past during my many attempts to get clean I would usually just switch up my addiction to other things such as booze, girls, sex, prescription meds, etc.  This time it had to be different I didnt/dont think I would be able to handle a full scale relapse so I made some changes.  The biggest being that my friends or using partners, in order for me to fully step out of that lifestyle I just abandoned everything.  When I was in the throes of a dark amphetamine mental breakdown last x-mas I threw my cell phone into the fireplace burning away contacts.  I still havent purchased a new one as I have never really liked cellphones, something about people always being able to get a hold of me I dont like.  I still have a home phone if need be.

I first started on amphetamines maybe a few years? after my psych doctor started me on buprenorphine which was 7’ish years ago.  Adderall and Dexadrine were by far the most destructive drugs I have used.  They bent my brain in such a real fashion being the addict I am/was I was always abusing them, no thanks to my doctor.  She used to give me soo many drugs for years I would walk out of her office with a sample bag of vitamins and new sleep meds or trial offers than I would pop across the street to the Cost Co where the pharmacist and his underlings all knew my name.  A typical refill from this doctor [I had a couple more that I left on the back burners mainly for other benzos] would consist of #80 8mg Suboxone, #90-120 Adderall IR 30mg, #60 Ativan 2mg, #30 Ambien 10mg.  I would walk out of the pharmacy with literally a big bag of pills, go out to my car throw a couple Addys into my trusty pill crusher than pour the powder into the back end of an oral syringe that was already prep’d with water.  Zing up my nose, than I would go shopping for clothes at a near by mall.

I remember one time just getting on with my normal routine and inside Nordstroms buying some shirts and I go to the counter to get rung up and the lady behind the counter asks me if I am ok.  Uh yeah of course I am ok.  I shrug the question of and start getting my money out and she asks me again.

“Are you sure you are ok?”

Once again yeah I am fine taking my purchase I leave and start to wonder what the hell she was talking about.  Sure I probably look like a drug addict skinny, disheveled, and shaky… nothing out of the ordinary for me.  When I got to my car and looked in the mirror I realized why she was questioning me.  My lips were coated in a pale white crust from the 3-4 ativans and klonopins I let dissolve under my tongue and my nose crusted with orange goo, ahh idiot doh’.  Thats one thing I hated about addies the constant nasty orange.  Using an oral syringe bypassed that most of the time but not always. geeker

Anyways…  enough about those days for right now.  Whenever I really start to recall events in the past like that my heart starts beating a little faster and I get a slight shake in my hands.  The beginnings of mild anxiety so I guess I will switch topics.

As for switching my addictions…  I guess what I have done this time is switch to AA and NA meetings, mainly AA because there are alot more with in a short distance from my house.  Plus the people are much different from what you find at your typical NA meeting.  Around here suburbs of Chicago you get alot of soccer moms and the likes.  Tonite I went to a regular meeting I go to and there has been this woman who I can tell has been checking me out a little bit, the last couple weeks we have had a flirtatious banter going back and forth.  I would probably have never elevated it from that as I have a pretty strong policy not to get involved with the women in AA for obvious reasons.  Tonight she gave me her number and asked me if I wanted to go out with her tomorrow night, get something to eat than go to an open mike night.  It’s pretty obvious she is looking for more than just a friendly relationship.  She is divorced, doesnt work, owns a nice home and is very easy on the eyes.  Tonight she was telling me how her family has always been pretty involved in growing marijuana, hmm intriguing.  We have kinda clicked so I said, ‘sure thing’.  So I have something to look forward to tomorrow should be an interesting night.

Ahh well I guess its back to watching Discovery channel ‘Gang Wars: Oakland II’.  I have a light headache.

Peace,

Seedless