recovery


Sunday night 10:35 pm, rainy.

Well I really should be studying for a spanish quiz tomorrow morning but I am not, yet.  I have put it off all weekend and of course wait till the last second.  Sometimes I catch myself saying, ‘oh well I will just see how well I do with out studying’.  WTF is that shit?  I really need to focus on discipline and developing study habits but it is hard.  My brain just doesn’t seem to want to work correctly.  Its like I enjoy putting myself through some form of turmoil.  As it seems like that is what I have been dealing with for years so it is comfortable and familiar, that’s all I can come up with as to why I do the things I do.

Still clean from op8’s and benzos right around 6 months, that feels great but in truth it is not all it is cracked up to be.  I still have to deal with everything I had to when I was using but now I don’t have some sort of, as sick as it sounds mind and emotion eraser.  Even though I have become very good at having an emotional blocking system up at all times.  That is a hard thing for me these days to even let people into my life.  I could go way more in-depth with that subject but I wont because I feel like I am sitting in a psychiatrists office when I start to ramble about that shit.

So things are good and then they are ok, its much better than it was a few months ago when things were ok and then bad.  I do see improvements happening.  I wont lie there are times when I feel like giving up and saying fuck everything and just go and score some heroin and close my eyes really really tight and make it all go away.  I have been thinking thoughts like that to frequently these days.  Also in the back of my mind I have been slightly convincing myself that I would benefit from another ADD/ADHD script to help me be motivated for school work.  Adderall WRECKED ME last time I was on it and its hard to even fathom I would consider it.  Scripts and medicine is just a band-aid temporary fix and I know it is not what I need or even want.  Just irrational thoughts?

So I guess I will talk about what has been going on the past week or so.  I attend AA meetings a few times a week and it seems like somebody is always pushing me to get a sponsor.  I have had one in the past and I guess what it boils down to is I don’t like feeling accountable to someone.  Nor do I really feel like sharing many of the aspects of my life.  I am a pretty private person.  So anyways, I was out having a couple of beers last weekend and I am sitting at a bar with this girl just relaxing and trying to unwind from all the self-imposed stress in my life.  And out of nowhere this guy who has been pushing me to take him up on his offer of being my sponsor appears behind me.  What the hell.  He basically says have a good night.

So than next time I see him he is pushing even harder for me to start calling him everyday.  finally I buckled and say ok I will start calling you.  He definitely makes sense with what he is talking but I don’t know.  I don’t have a problem with drinking, really.  I really don’t want to invent a problem or make an issue out of nothing either.  So what I have a couple of beers once or twice a month, whoa.  I mainly go to AA instead of NA and replace the alcohol with drugs.  I go to NA also but that’s another story on to itself.  So I called this guy everyday this week and stopped calling him sat. and tonight.  I don’t want to deal with it.  I know I am going to see him at a meeting and he is going to make me feel like shit or in the least I will feel awkward.  I have been blowing off a lot of people these days and I suppose that is just the easiest thing and unfortunately the natural way I operate.

So yeah my problems are minor and pretty much self-created.  Sometimes I think I don’t let myself get involved with new friendships because I will eventually become uncomfortable and decide I don’t want to deal with it anymore and then cut out that aspect of my life.  Self sabotage I guess.  I know I have become a master with that concerning girlfriends.  It something I am trying to change but it is hard to do.

I went out to see a friends band play this weekend and had a great time.  There was this chick there that was SO unbelievably hot.  Just perfect body.  Well you can guess what happened I fuct it up.  Or rather didn’t even try because sometimes I tell myself they are not interested even when it is blatantly obvious that is not the case.  It didn’t help that I smoked a hit or 2 of maryjane and that usually kicks my anxiety up a notch especially in public.  She kept sitting next to me and striking up a conversation, I didn’t have much to say.  Than her and an old girlfriend kept trying to get me to dance.  Not happening.  But WOW absolutely insanely beautiful and certainly knew how to shake it.  Than I beat myself up the next day about shoulda, coulda, woulda’s.  Oh well.

Sometimes when I write about things I feel stupid.  Some of this shit is just like wtf is my problem.  When will I finally be happy and not worry about bullshit things.  Although I’m not directly worrying about things but I guess these things are what are my mind and whatever.  Time to force myself to study.  I SOOO motherfucking wish I would have finished my bach. degree when I was younger because man my brain doesn’t work the same way it used to.

peace.

seedless

Wow, Summer is almost over.  In a way I am happy about that as Fall is my favorite season.  This summer has been ok, I guess.  I am still clean from bupe, benzos, etc.  I still puff a little weed here and there and occasionally drink.  Almost 5 months off everything.  I have been doing NOTHING lately, big surprise.  Truthfully I used to like doing nothing but in the past I was always partying and now that is gone or phased out I am left with a lot of boredom.  I have been procrastinating doing everything going to the dentist, registering for school [which I finally did a few days ago].  I waited so long though that my class selection was selective but that’s ok.  I was/still am completely lost or rather void of direction.  School and all that stuff sometimes makes me get in a bad mood because I should have taken care of that yeaaars ago but I didn’t.  Sometimes I debate if I should even bother to finish.

It seems like I have been struggling for so long.  Kicking one drug/med or another in some kind of w/d or hit with a lingering depression.  Sometimes it is just like wtf am I doing?  It seemed like I was happier using and I tell myself that this will pass eventually.  That it is only natural for me to be a little down.  I am not doing too much to benefit myself.  I have extremely low motivation, still.  I really need to start excercise, ride my bike lift weights, get in the sun, get a job, wash my car, etc.  Yet I dont do it.  Instead I just wallow in oh poor me.  I have always waited for everything to come to me and now that I am trying to change that it is hard.

Still no girlfriend mainly out of my own doing.  I have a bunch of numbers that I have been given but truthfully I have no desire to call them.  I suppose none of them has really perked my interest but in all actuality that is just an excuse for being lazy.  I do have a few chicks that I can call or more often they call me when they/I feel like getting laid.  I dont know.  Sometimes I feel like just fleeing to the mountains and starting over somewhere else.  As it seems rather hard to get going around here.  Truthfully I do miss dope, drugs, partying but a lot of it is that lifestyle.

I guess I am just having a bad night/day/week?  Things are pretty good and I should be thankful for all the opportunities I have instead I just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs FFUUUCCCCKKKKK!  My sleep has been ok but it is starting to drive me crazy.  I have been going to bed/falling asleep at around 4-5:30 am and getting up at 2:30 pm or so.  I hate that.  I am just stuck in a rut yet I don’t do anything to pull myself out of it.  I suppose because it is not completely uncomfortable just lazy.  Things are going to change I can feel it.  I am going to take some ambien tonight and hopefully pull myself out of this.  I have to drive up to school tomorrow and pay tuition, buy books, parking permit.  Than I need to get a haircut, new clothes, new shoes, school supplies, and hopefully life ha.  I might go see Sound Tribe Sector 9 [some late night show after they play at Aragon Ballroom Sat. night]

At times I wonder why I am not doing anything to better myself and pretty much my main excuse is well you just got clean you deserve to sit around and do what ever you want.  If I feel like sitting like a bump on a long for weeks on end I do it.  Yet I wonder why I am not happy?

Thanks for the comments I am still alive that is painfully obvious to me sometimes.  🙂

iamheisyouare

peace.

seedless

Well I haven’t written an entry in here for a while.  Mine-as-well…

I am still clean from opiates and benzos, thank god.  Things are starting to get better albeit not as fast as I would really like them to.  I think I focus on the negatives too much, not negatives per say but just acclimating to a lifestyle w/ out drugs.  I am kicking myself for not taking any summer courses which I knew I would be but that is my slacker mentality.  Things/life is actually pretty good, I have $ in my pocket, a nice car to drive, a great place to lay my head, girls to call [if I felt like it, I do but I will get to that later], and a beer to my left.  The best thing though is that I don’t wake up with that urge to use.  No more sketched out mornings/afternoons/evenings/nights and also no more blissed out, nodded out summer afternoons laying in the shade.  Truthfully I really don’t miss that, ok a little but it will not be happening.

I do feel like I am getting a little bit of life back into me and trying to enjoy the simpler things in life, the way the air smells when the sun is setting with the hazy glow around the moon.  It’s not like I didn’t enjoy those things before quite the contrary but it does make me thankful I am not strung out or a slave to the prescription bottle.  I hung out with a couple of girls this weekend, a great time.  Quite interesting.  I lied about my age to them though and it is kinda bothering me now.  Why?  Probably because I am thinking about calling one of them up sometime this week.  I am sure they bumped their age up a little bit and I bumped mine down a little bit.  Still I am roughly about 10 years older.  I am just not a fan of lying.  Whatever I worry about things too much, whatever happens will happen all I have to do is pick up the phone and all will be well.

It has been fucking hot this past week [90 degree hot] and I am reminded on how I don’t like muggy hot weather.  I am thinking about going on some white-water rafting camp out next weekend I guess I will see if I am up for it.  It seems like I immediately veto anything these days and then I wonder why I am bored.  I was never like this when I was using, not even close.  Listening to the Grateful Dead, ‘What’ll You Raise’ love this song.  I suppose all I have is this moment in time and I have to stop waiting for things to come to me.  Instead take an initiative and make things happen or at the very least go with the flow and engage in the activities presented to me.

Is it wrong that I am drinking beer before a NA meeting?  Nope…

Peace.

Seedless

Who am I talking to it’s just myself
I talk to the wall when I talk with someone else
Only a few that I met really knew
Why so many good things had so much abuse

I would rather post this video, Lennon – Mind Games but I cant embed it, here is the link.  Something to listen to when and if you bother to read about my life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OO5LkJJlpTU&feature=related

Well today is my last day on Tramadol.  I have been taking it for 2 weeks using it to ease the w/d from bupe.  I have felt in slight w/d this week, and I am hoping that since tramadol is weak that I let some of the bupe symptoms dissipate, make sense, ha.  I started taking 5 50mg pills and over the course of 2 weeks went down to 1.5 50mg pills.   This weekend is going to be unproductive but is absolutely fucking needed in order for me to be who I want to be, CLEAN.

I am nervous though about my benzo use as I have been taking them daily for the 2 week step down to Tram, and will most likely even though I know I shouldnt take them a bit longer.  Why?  because I am stupid and lol maybe I am just used to always feeling like I am in w/d for the past year so whats another month of being uncomfortable, they prevent me from doing something irate like scoring dope.   I like to tell myself that even though I know it’s an excuse but do I really care?

We were talking about opiate addiction and w/d in one of my classes today, I was totally shaky and coughed a couple times almost dry heaving in class.  Fuck man I can’t hang like that this has to end.  I am not going to classes tomorrow, I am supposed to do homework and lunch with this girl from class but there is no way I will be functioning on a level that wont make it obvious something is going on.  Maybe she already knows?  Who cares?   I should call and cancel but I don’t think it’s needed and will just blow it off like I did the other week.  I don’t know why I do the things I do.  I feel like a relationship will be a positive thing in the upcoming months I just need to get well first.  Plus I am picky.

Worry, worry, worry about nothing, what the fuck this is not how I am used to functioning.  I need some sunshine as much as I hate to admit it I feel a sense of fear and its a bit unerving. sigh.

I been thinking about this old OD a friend had and how it was just a horrible experience.  I think I will write it out to remind me what can happen if I slip.

I think it was in late fall, shit maybe 10 years ago?   My best friend and drug cohort were doing what we did, get high.  I think that night it was xanax bars and excellent Nigerian imported heroin that was so rock hard it sometimes took a litte bit to get it into solution.  We were stoned and decided to go get malts at a local ice-cream place.  Where we ran into a friend who had been living in Colorado at the time.  Talk turned to drugs pretty much instantly and he was coming off a tar habit from west coast dope and wanted to get high.  I remember sitting in the booth with him and you could tell he was blitz’d on some tranquilizer.  We asked him your not high on xanax, this dope is strong etc. blahblahblah.

‘Nope no xanax here’ was his reply

Yeah ok sure.  So lets go get high.  We drove back to my friend’s house and we all proceeded to fix up.  I remember the Colorado friend [I will call him B] kept egging my other friend [T] on a little bit saying oh come on just a little more dope in the spoon, just a few more pebbles.  He got what he wanted.  I remember him walking out of the bathroom needle still in his arm seconds after shooting, and saying OH SHIT this shit is strong.  He than proceeded to bounce of the walls trying to walk to the couch.  He made it as far as the kitchen table where he just fell out.  His beer bottle bounced off the carpet spilling all around him as he lays starting to turn blue.

FUCK!!!  Shit I knew it.  What the fuck are we going to do?  We were in a panic the only logical decision was 911 because it just needed to be done so my friend T scrambles around cleaning up all his dope and shit and stashing it under the deck out back.  In minutes an ambulance and cop arrived.  Questions, questions, questions…  I distinctly remember looking at T and he just looked like a ghost pale white, short sleeve shirts we both wore and tracks on our arms.

I told the medics he was an old friend from Colorado and we went into the bathroom and came out stumbling and fell.  I said he mentioned something about tar heroin.  It was an obvious OD.  It took the paramedics awhile to get him with it.  Longest and most dramatic I have ever witnessed.  Two shots of narcan and he wasnt coming around.  One of the paramedics had me holding a saline bag over his head for dripage, after a while [minutes] it was really taking a toll on me watching what was going on and the police officer took over my position.  Than they said his heart stopped and pulled out some defibrillator and set it on the kitchen table.  I remember thinking this is not good, I still can see the little electronic screen on the machine.  They shocked him once with it and something started happening.

By this time they already had him secured to a dolly and in restraints for violence upon waking.  B started convulsing and then started throwing up this just black, dark, alien looking puke something I have never seen since.  It wasnt your normal charcoal puke, pump your stomach shit.  A couple more minutes and he started to come around restrained by the straps he didn’t know what was happening.  Me and my friend were just frozen looking half dead ourselves.  A few elementary questions from the police officer, he didn’t care he knew what was up and I believe he thought we just went thru quite a shocker and probably thought we would learn our lesson, not for quite a while longer.  Have I learned my lesson?  What the fuck kinda lesson?  Drugs are bad?

B soon started to say he was fine and didn’t want to go to the hospital but it was going to happen no matter what.  In seconds everybody walked out the front door and wheeled B out.  We shut the door and just kinda looked at each other.  I know personally I was used to events like that at that time of my life and I have never really let OD bug me or even as much as I hate to say it deaths bother me.  I just kinda wouldn’t think about it, tune it out, I am numb already.  I sometimes wonder if by not talking about all those things that happened back than has done something to me.  I don’t think so but I can’t tell you for sure.  Not dealing with traumatic issues can have consequences.

The rest of the night is kinda hazy.  I am sure we shot some more dope and I think we watched some music DVD’s and probably said fuck man what happened a few times.  B started to call the house from the hospital wanting us to pick him up.  T didn’t want to and I didn’t blame him.  I believe his parents ended up getting him and he either continued using for a bit or went into rehab and then continued using for a bit, don’t recall.

I really miss the friendship I had with T, things went down and people moved.  We still continue to fight our own battles.  It just sucks these days I don’t have many friendships like I used to have.  I have some friends but I am usually avoiding them.  There are AA and NA friends but it’s just not cutting it for me.  Whatta drag.

I think I checked into rehab a few months after that event and eventually got kicked out and continued using, obviously.  I think I even wrote about the first day at that rehab.  I do have a handwritten journal of that stay there and I only wrote one page, three words.  In very shaky, scratchy handwriting were the words, pills pills pills.

Here is the post on rehab that day, wrote at a later time.

https://seedlesss.wordpress.com/2006/03/05/rehab-visit-1/

I don’t know why those thoughts came into my head perhaps I am just trying to reinforce the negatives that can come from even just one little slip up.  That and I am bored and restless.  I went to a lunchtime AA meeting after school and will probably go to a NA meeting tonight.  Just to do something as the more I sit around the more I think and my thinking can kill me quickly.

Peace, Pot, Microdot,

Seedless

I had a strange dream or a clip of a dream still trying to remember more but doubt it will happen.  I was my physical brain in the dream, like I felt encompassed I could more as a brain.   Than an outline body of light, stick figure almost kinda reminded me of the people you see in the ‘walk/dont walk] street signs.  Than suddenly The figure joined with the brain and I could feel myself taking on the body of the person made up of light.  Than I woke up.  Wish I could remember more.

Things are ok as I am sitting in bed waiting for my medicine to kick in as school was a bit shaky today.  I hate dealing with that I know some of the girls wonder why my hands shake or I cant sit still.  Fuck I dont give a fuck I just need to get through and get out.  So last time I took bupe was 8 days ago not soo bad yet but I am thrust again into this w/d in between, questioning myself stage.  I am a little nervous I might get rebound anxiety from using benzos for 2 weeks at a high dose after 13 months clean from a many year benzo habit?  I can tell something weird is happening.  I am so glad things are calm all I have to do is worry about school.  No job, no stress, except the times I start to let the psychological portion of w/d or stepping down get the best of me it definitely can be an all-consuming thing.  I have to use thought blocking to get thru some of that shit.  I starting to feel better, 12:29 pm.  I REALLLY need to get some excercise and get some of those natural chemicals flowing.  I think I will go take my mountain bike out its pushing 70 degrees today, and snow Sat., Chicago for ya…

So yeah cool dream I dreamt

Peace,

seedless

Well I cant sleep,  its only 2:55 am. I just have that not going to sleep soon feeling.

I took 150mg of trazadone, 5mg of klonopin

Drank a beer than went out to drink more.   Bad idea I was achy, restless, and edgy.  Drank 4 beers

Things are not too bad minor w/d.  I was laying in my bed for the last 2 hours tossing and turning.  Constantly stretching and a dry heave,  Nothing that is new to me but it still sucks.  I am praying things start to turn for the better as I dont want to keep taking these benzos.  I finally said fuck it and switched on my light so I could stumble out of my room easier, nope the fucking thing burns out, zap.  So went downstairs made  a cup of Red Zinger tea and got stoned,  it sure is a quiet night.  I wish it was summer so I could hop on my mountain bike and go lay down on a hill and watch the stars, it might make me feel more human than this ill fated robot I feel like,  So yeah.

Now I decided to write on here to well do something.  Plus I always like the click of the keys on the laptop while sitting in the dark, soothing somewhat.

I feel ok for like 1/2 hour than like shitty achy fish-out-of-water.  I think I think about it too much but its hard not too.  I definitely have been thinging how nice a bag of H would be, and how easy…. too easy.  I hate this shit.  Feeling like jello plastic that is uncomfortable.  I could probably try to relax and get some sleep but those thoughts that pop in and out of my head drive me to not sleep.  It only seems when I can divide those thoughts, forget about them and than boom I am in a zen like pre sleep.  GOD I hope tomorrow is better.

Well I… fuck computer just shut down outta the blue, I got stressed and I can chalk up another 4mg of kpin down the hatch.  Thank god wordpress saces enteries like every 30 seconds.  So I think I am going to listen to Peter Gabriel – Secret World, I love that cd.  Feel like shit/feel ok.  Fuck at least I am not in the throngs of H w/d dry heaving green foam and just praying to god for it to stop so I can catch my breath.  I got nothing else.

Peace,

Seedless

It was a slow day today.  Went to my normal NA meeting tonight, the streets were covered in a layer of smokey fog.  I love when its foggy.  I dont really have to much to say.  I included a link to a entertaining story I would have just posted it directly in here but its way to long and it gets a little obnoxious to read in this ‘blog’ format.  I do have it posted over at bluelight.ru [best of bluelight] but I posted that copy up years ago and the web site removed all the formatting so it is even harder on the eyes.  Its a bit long [26?] pages so print it out and enjoy.  If you like drug type stories I will guarantee you will like it.

I need to find a girlfriend, I always say that, than when a opportunity presents itself I get sketchy and find a reason why I should not be interested.  I have done that a couple times lately and yet I sit alone.  Its so hard for me to just be content with my life, I always seem to be looking for something [one?] else.  I should be reading some chapters for school but instead I am fucking around on the internet and I am now starting to develop a headache.  I watched the movie, ‘New York, I Love You’ earlier today [you can watch it for free at filmhill.com] it was ok.  Its been hard lately dealing with the slowed down pace of my life [read: no social life] but I have no one to blame but myself for that as I have isolated myself from most of my friendships.  New friends are hard to find.  Well friends that I actually want to know better are hard to find.  I was going to go have a couple drinks at the bar tonight but I ate a swiss cheese sandwich and watched television instead.  hrmmph.

Well anyways here is the link to Me & My Monkey.  Say a prayer for me if you pray or send some positive energy my way.  I am on the outskirts of Chicago [suburbs] so you can picture that area in your head.  While picturing my location just slowly start to chant, ‘Seedless is a great person and deserves to be happy.  Let him achieve all his hearts desires. Ommm, Ommm, Ommm’.  Ha, you never know the power of suggestion/prayer is a powerful tool.  As for negative thoughts towards me dont bother as I am protected from negativity by my crystal force-field  : ).  While your at it say some prayers for those poor people in Haiti and for the world in general as we need all the love we can get.  Ommm Ommm Ommm.  Oh yeah I put a new link elevenevele, start reading at the beginning its a good story concerning a girls addiction to heroin in Chicago.  So now if you are bored you have a couple new things to read!

link: Me & My Monkey

Peace,

Seedless

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