August 2006


ufosaliens.jpgParanoia, as I slither crawling across the floor blood still dripping from the injection site, the cocaine has my heart thumbing I can hear the beat pound my eardrums. I am convinced my front door is about to get kicked in, as I peek thru the windows, binoculars smudge free. My hands shake so bad I cant get a clear view, was that a guy just ducking down behind the bushes? I fucking knew it SHIT SHIT SHIT, I hide my stash in the basement airducts. Fuck why did I just screw my dope into the air ducts with a screwdriver, I want another shot. I told myself I was only going to take 3 shots and put the rest away, now I am closing in on the 25 shot mark. Should I score more? I want it sooo bad, just one more rush, I can deal with the imaginary police that are going to repel into my windows. I need to calm down, I need to score I only got a gram left, and the suns starting to crest this globe of insanity.

Sweat is dripping off me like spring rain shower, I am wearing nylon shorts, no shirt, all my needles are starting to dull. Its starting to take over 15 mins. to hit a vein. Coagulated chunks of blood float in the barrel. Was that just a car door slamming? Fuck I need some tranquilzers to stop me from shaking out comes a 3mL syringe I load up 20mg’s of Valium. Shattering the tops of the ampules with my teeth like a lunatic. Locked and loaded 4 bars of xanax go under the tongue and the plunger gets plunged. A slight wave a calmness hits me. I eat 8mgs of Klonopin just cause. my mouth is so dry the subligual xanax leaves a white stain on my lips, I dont care. I am in tweak land where the heart beats fast and loud, shhh your turning the pages of the magazine too loud ‘they’ will here you.

Man your losing it, just relax here sit down for a second stay away from the window, lets take some shots of Vodka my using friend counters. I slam back 4 or 5 shots, loving the burn. I can hear the vodka splashing around in my belly, empty as my head. We each split the last gram and do a huge shot, I know he has some more stashed, I steal his cotton and add it to my pile of pathetic sketched out cottons, still desperate for that one more throw me back in the chair, bellringing, HOLY SHIT shot that I will never get this run.

Pearlescent chucks of rocks rotates in my head, the occasional splash of primatic rainbow shine of the imaginary chunk. FUCK I hate coming down, I need more coke, I need a fucking clue.

God how I hate cocaine, the most vile illicit sustance of them all. Its plastic freebase fumes bounce of my window in some back-jack-patty-wack parking spot in the ghetto. Uhh that first hit of the morning I feel the puke churn, damn that was a good hit. I dont even let the pipe cool down before I drop a pea-sized yellow chunk of waxy crack onto the top of my pipe. It melts instantly into the brillo. Pipe held steady in my lips I have a lighter in each hand [the cheap see-thru plastic ones, with the metal guard broke off and the flame about 3 inches high]. Double barrel action jackson, I hit the glass tube with a vengence lips burning, I dont care. OH FUCK, this is another good one, my head starts ringing and the hussle and bussle of the city is slowly muted, ahhh. A monstrous cloud of thick heavy smoke pours out as I can physically see my heart beating out of my chest thru my emaciated frame. That is all I am a frame of a body, I am hollow on the inside and out. I dont care about anything except my next fix. Which on that particular day was 0.4 grams of Grade AAA white flakey heroin so god damn good. I just teased myself with a morning 0.5 grams of yellow ear wax looking crack. As I type this the craving of the early morning huge crack rush is craving in my brain, just one hit, I swear. Wake up dumbshit, I dont think I have loved and hated a drug as much as cocaine. Heroin I would have done just about anything for and I do hate it with a passion but not nearly as much as Mr. fucking insane whacked out comedown, ready to bang my head against the wall, to rid my body and mind of that feeling and mindset of the craving and sickening acts of desperation. The Cow is giving kerosene, kid cant read at seventeen. The words he knows are all obscene, but its all right. I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive. Shoe is on the hand that fits, thats all there really is to it. Whistle through your teeth and spit, but its all right.

On the single celled earth deep with in the organic tissue of the lush, windswept, jungle a tanned boy wearing just simple flower pollen streaking under his eyes, much in the way the one minded, fat, NFL watching, Hemi driving, beer guzzling freak would wear as he imitates his heros on the electronic projection screen. Stylized in pixels. red, blue, and green. Green the color of money, the tap root of evil. The evil that keeps the young father up late at night, sleepless trying to figure out a way to inform his wife that they are a few hundred thousand in the red, his body should be paralyzed in a paradoxical turgid sleep dreaming about incarnate gaps in Time & Space through images juxtaposed, and trapped the archangel of the soul between two visual images and joined the elemental verbs and set the noun and dash of consciousness together jumping with sensations of Omnipotent Father Eternal God.

Riding the fractal wave of time into the distance on the ancient trigonometric functions of cosine varibles accurate up to 6 decimal points. Etched in the clay cuniform tablet. Grayish, and stoney in its hue the timeworn universal language pulses thru the living non earth born elemental metal. As the cigar shaped ship hop-scotchs thru a heavy forest in upper Vermont, splintering giant evergreens like toothpicks. The spirits of the trees swim in a spiral motion crying in pain, regrouping to replenish there sap producing molecules in a universal conscious. Forming the thought in my brain that I must leave this microchip computer and wash the earth off my body and prepare to slide into a comfortable couch and watch some movie with somebody who better not have touched anything illict that means you Ms. Crocidile, my all seeing eye knows all remember you cant fool a junky. Or shall I say recovering addict addicted to khemikal contraption in the shape of orange stop signs and white ufo saucers. The enigma of skeletal almond shaped eye ‘watchers’ grows with the strength of a fall tropical storm bursting into a all out run-for-your-life hurricane. Spin away, spin in circles untill you collapse upon the ground a mass of human flesh that is motionsick. Knock knock knockin on heavens door.

Peace [of mind],

Seedless

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Well not surprising the fat ass pig Mariposa420 [nice name you fucking lame ass follower, get a life] and her boyfriend Gentleman Loser [name says it all] are still at there hack job just because the cant afford the internet they have to try and hack my computer for free access, now trying to code my IE7 to block bluelight.ru, ha keep trying. Have fun piggy backing me all you fucking want I have another maching I run and have been running for years that you dont have a clue about so your efforts are well pathetic and a bit hillarious. How you people can not get a life is beyond me, oh I forgot your fucking yuppie cokeheads that take .5mg of xanax to take your tweak down. Get over it you fucking punks, make sure you tell me when you visit Chicago I’d LOVE to see your bitch asses. Dont you see I am letting you play with my machine, you think I give a fuck NOPE, I got better things to do. Or else I would have put the squash on your little fucking Bl joke party. Dont worry it wont be long till your off this machine complete, I have been buzy having a fucking life to worry about my tag-alongs, I have known who’s been responsible for the main hack since uhhh feb. 11th or so. Get a grip its the fucking internet, your lame, fake, not to mention ugly motherfuckers. I hate myself for degrading my morals to insult you and your BL crew, yeah I know the whole bunch of ya. Funny hahah your so pathetic, its pathetic I am even bothering typing this out but its almost 4am and I should be posting somthing of substance. Instead I will insult the fat bitch that has to pick up a b/f off the internet from across the country, lol. Your a joke and so are all your cronies.

In othernews great relaxing weekend enjoying my sobriety, and Crocodile Chrissy. Sorry about the personal posts lately I have been enjoying my work free summer or shall I say life, and havent been infront of the keyboard to much. But no need to worry a wacked out typical Seedless is bound to sprout in his gel clone dish as my cacti start to turn dormant, the leaves chage into the color that I love the best, the weather gets chilly, and my vision turns to prisms of shades of rose colored glasses. I got a full notebook I have been saving for the upswing on the downswing of the follow-thru of the slow time of JUNKYLIFE. Swing …crack… my head will spill out onto the monitor and let all you that keep up with my journal my slither your snake like eyes thru my elevated brain, hopefully I’ll make you laugh, hopefully I will show you what its like to be a ill, ill, recovering addict.

I hear the local coyote and its siblings howling in the distance, which means its time for me to hit the hay, and let the encoded chant of the songbirds drift me off to a uncoscious realm where I slip and slide thru dimensions. I wish you the best Fatass420 and GL you need it, God bless you, yuppie dope heads. Sorry for boring you all lately with my personal life but I have been taking to writing pen to paper in hand made notebooks, even one with hand made paper, perhaps, I should go completely homegrown and write in some handmade ink. Im sleepy, the newspaper boy just thru the first set of three newspapers I want to be asleep before the Chicago SunTimes gets here. Oh I finally broke down and got an MP3 player, like anyone fucking cares COoncete JunGgle

Peace…

Seedless

Well I don’t know but I’ve been told,
you never slow down, you never grow old.
I’m tired of screwin’ up, tired of goin’ down,
Tired of myself, tired of this town,
Oh my, my, oh hell yes - Honey
put on that party dress.
Buy me a drink, sing me a song,

Take me as I come . cause I can’t stay long.
Last dance with Mary Jane, one more
time to kill the pain.
I feel summer creepin’ out and I’m
tired of this town again.
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God I feel low for insulting the people that hack my computer, but I am to tired to erase my nonesense so it will stand.   AHHHH SECOND PAPER BOY…

Well things are going pretty well for me, I am kinda starting to be able to function semi normal in a relationship, I love the girl to bits we have known each other for ever, in fact I took her virginity at the age of 14 or 15 I forget so its stange but comfortable being back with her 15 yrs later.  I am not good with relationships and its rare when I actually find some one I care about, let alone thats beautiful, I have already done my usual games of trying to push her away, and I did do it probably about 3 times now about once a week, lol I am so fucking nuts.  As I said though I just have a good feeling about her or else she would have been long gone and chalked up as one of the one-two night stands.  I actually surprised myself on how I managed to pull enough self confidence up to say I am sorry to her and bought her flowers a couple times, I am so much better with words than with my tongue [or am I, hahaha, the madcap laughs], anyways…

Things are great on the sober front, I know I am playing with fire putting myself in a position to get hurt emotionally which usually leads me back to those dark corners and bent needles.  I am going to give this relationship a shot though because I just feel something good radiating from it.  Lazy saturday night for me tonight in fact its medication time and HBO, yup I hear it again the TV is calling my name.  Gotta go.

I’ll have a new long post up about my friend Jimmy’s moonbeam bikeriding journal-a-thon he had a few days back so stay tuned, turn the dial if you like.

Peace,

Seedless avatar73185_1-gif.jpg

Thank god for some bone rattl’n Pink Floyd…  ahhh  ohhh  weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have you found? The same old fears.

darkest star guided by the light I will peddle like E.T. tonight,  starlite, starbite, keep me safe tonite.avatar73185_1-gif.jpg

I am worn out, long weekend, ended up loosing a few days supply of my medicine while bike riding, arghhh… It all could have been avoided. I am saddened by the lack of liars that are around, in fact I am saddened by this whole fucking world. Yea I suppose I am fuct in the head but I am not fucking stupid. I am bored with my life, its time to move on. I have been talking about moving and getting a job for awhile but moving is taking top priority. I want a loft I can ride my bike in circles. I want to get away from all these people that I know, they are all fake. Nobody is honest, everybody is fucked. In other news I will be going into hibernation sleep wise for a few days my body craves sleep and I crave it. I can forget about this ugly world I live in a rest comfortably in my dreamland that brings me comfort. I awoke late today 8pm, its 9:11 I am still tired whats on the menu is a dose of Klonapin, Ativan, Suboxone, and Risperdal and some old movie and a warm, worn leath couch. Maybee I can sleep untill 4-5 pm tommorrow and sleep away my dissapointment. I should have stuck to my guns and followed my gut I cant handle a relationship, I cant even handle myself. Thank the Lord I am not finding a cure for pain in illicit drugs and wine or booze and that my friends is a MAJOR, MAJOR, step for me.

I act like a child, I am a child, I do the opposite of what I want to do, I dont understand it. I hate it so bad, I should pick-up the phone right now and apologize once again for my strange demented behavior, but I cant, why? What am I afraid of? Somebody actually caring about me? I think so thats all I can make from it. Its hurts that I cant do what I want to do, why cant I say Sorry? Perhaps I have said it to much, it seems as if another one bites the dust while I stand stund in the dust cloud kicking myself in the ass calling myself a god damn idiot. Why WHY do I do this to myself? Or should I say why do I do this to people I like? The answer is semi simple: I am fuct up, I push people away I am afraid of actually caring about some one else. I guess that why I usually pick up girls that mean nothing to me, so when I treat them bad or tell them leave me the fuck alone it doesnt bother me. Why am I so afraid of a relationship that is mutal that I actually like the person and they like me back, why cant I find peace in that? Because I am a baby I have to find ways to pick apart the situation by accusing or insinuating things or flat out doing shit I just dont want to do but I do anyway. I guess thats the way the cookie crumbles for me, I think I need to see an additional therapist, Psychologist that is. I dont need more drugs pushed at me I need to know why it is I am afraid to let other care about me. Is it because I dont feel like I deserve it? I dont know and it bothers me so, I promised myself I wouldn’t do this again but here I am sitting on my self made pitty pot getting exactly what I deserve. Do I enjoy this is some fuct-up way? Am I that twisted? I dont think so, I knew what was going to happen today and it did. Now I deal with the situation I caused but why the fuck did I cause it? When in reality this is the exact place I dont want to be but yet I put myself there with a few ill spoken words, that I wish I could take back, I could take back but my lack of ANY self-worth or self-esteem makes my to afraid to do it, what the fuck is wrong with me besides ALOT. I wish, I wish I could pick up that phone and tell her how I really feel about her but something stopping me its not my pride thats for sure. FUCK FUCK FUCK I am sorry ‘C’ I am a little boy and fold under pressure, I am sorry. I just dont understand myself. Thats life for ya though, :\ or rather that my life.

fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck. Please somebody hit me in the head with a fucking frying pan. Knock some gosh darn sense into me. The only reason I am not out there getting drunk, shooting coke or heroin is because of the stength of my relationship with my God and thank golly for that because this episode could have easily, easily turned me back to the little 27 gauge needle point, barrel filled with a ice-tea colored solution, one pin-prick and all my thoughs, worries, and troubles would be gone, long gone. I would be long gone, I would be a sure path of death, and I have a feeling that path would be a short one. Thank you god, for giving me the strength to not use, I am not to happy that you are not giving me the strength to pick up the phone and tell her what I so desperately want to tell her and than lay in her lap shuttering with tears of enjoyment. Why can I not find the strength to do that but yet I can find the strength to not pick up a bag of Devils Dandruff, heroin and slam it into my vein. For that I am thankful, for the other part I am saddened and mad at myself more that you could believe. I just dont have the strength to crawl back on my knees [again] and say sorry for being a fucking dumbass idiot but I want to so bad, what the fuck is stopping me? What, tell me that and I will give you a dollar [besides the fact I am a pussy who probably has emotions of a 14 yr old]. Sigh… Hopefully things will change and I can report happier events, as I was feeling the best I ever felt in a LONG motherfucking time these past couple weeks. Is it that I like to feel like crap or that I am so used to feeling worthless and shitty, that I do this intentionally [no doubt about that] so I feel ?normal?. I guess this is the norm for me, but why do like it, I dont like it one fucking bit but its always been how I feel in my life and I guess when things are going to well or I feel to happy in my life I chop it down a notch. Am I a sadomasochist? God I hope not, and god please help me, please? I am going to go pray right now, and no I dont care what any of you think about me.

Over and sadly out,

Seedless 😦

DO IT SEEDLESS YOU FRIKKIN SLACKER

Life is Life, and a Dream is Dream, but is a Dream, Life? Dreamsicle orangey icecream smeared on your face as I lick it like a dog with a fat tongue, ok next.. ha.

Sad awaking for a couple of my old acquaintance’s [I dont know if I brought this up before] but about a month ago a old acquaintance mother passed from cancer and his friend, one of my friends also but his next-door-neighbor started boozin early at the memorial service for his mom. Of course that lead into smoking crack, handfulls of xanax, valium, and methadose pills, probabably some IV coke came into play and of course heroin. The ‘next-door-neighboor’ was never a big heroin user as long story short ended up OD and dying. There are alot of ‘unknowns’ about what actually went down. But the two kids he was with one was on parole the other on probation, they were geeked and tweaked to the goard and freaked. Supposedly dumping the body off at a play ground on a park bench for a group of three 8 yr olds to find. Thats the basic story, the questions unanswered are where did he die? When did he die? Was the body moved after death? They did steal his money and drugs out of his pocket, some friends eh’? Personally I think they dumped the body off when he was dead but I talked to them and of course all had different stories.

They said he was doing way to much heroin, [he never really used it, more of an upper guy, or I should say was]. So they brought him to a park semi-conscious figuring he would wake up and walk home, come on… Dumbasses. I said if you were so afraid of the repercussions of the law for turning in a person still semi-conscious but not yet dead. Why didnt you AT LEAST call from a payphone 911 and report the incident so the kid could be pulled out of his OD. The answers I got were alot of um, ahh, well we should have, I dont know. The answer is because the kid was dead already you fucks. So fast forward a month…

Last friday the States Attorney announced the charges against the two kids [friends of mine for over 20 yrs., real good friends]. The handed down: Drug Induced Homicide [carries 20-40 yrs, something like that] and the second charge Involuntary Manslaughter [carries 4-8, possibly more]. They set the bail at 1 million dollars.

I feel so bad for those guys sitting in jail facing those charges, one is on parole so the bond is void the other I dont think his Dad will put up the 100K to walk just for the fact of the disturbing scenario. Although I could see him doing it and than the kid slip-sliding away into mexico and disappearing for good, you never know. I have been getting a few calls from one of them collect from the jail but I have refused to answer them as I dont want to be involved but part of me is curious as to what he has to say. The other side of my could careless about them sitting in jail as that could have been me that they left on the park bench. It was always an unspoken code that you get the OD’er help IMMEDIATELY no matter what. It pisses me off to no end that they let a good friend die because of there selfish tendencies. Its pretty cut and dry even one of them told me it could have been prevented but they were so out of there minds up on a 2 day binge of extreme amounts of drugs.

Sad, sad, shit I tell ya. I just thank God that I have been clean and staying away from that whole scene utterly and completely. That could have been me, ugh. They new the guy for shit over 25 yrs. makes me sick they didnt seek out help. Karma was bound to get them eventually because god knows the shit they have done in the past has been evil.

Myself I am doing good, I cut back on my Adderall dosage because I was going crazy and not sleeping for 3-4 days not eating and I think I lost 13 pounds in 1-2 weeks. Sick and delusional I tell ya. I wont even tell you how much I weigh well because it will disgust you as it disgusts me, BAD. Even my doctor was like what the fuck, you look sick. Well no shit 90mg of Adderall a day will do that to someone, not to mention the plethora of other drugs I am on. I went back on a low dose of Risperdal for helping me gain weight that shit increases my appetite sooo much. Unfortunately its an anti-psychotic, which I dont really like but has less side efffects than Seroquel which I normally use for sleep. I am not a skitzo I just take low doses for sleep because not much works for getting me to bed basically nothing but a anti-p, sad. So I switched from taking Rozerem [great sleeping med BTW, but no increase in appetite.] to Risperdal. I would alternate before with Rozerem/Ambien/Seroquel/ and occasionally Trazadone. So now that I am not a geeked out adderall taker, I should start to pack on some pounds. Also my doc put me on a prescription Vitamin [didnt know they had those] its called ANIMI-3 [contains: Folic acid- 1mg, Vitamin B-6- 12.5 mgs, Vitamin B-12- 500 mcgs, Omega 3 Acids- 500mgs, -DHA 350 mgs, -EPA 35mgs], I was starting to have a bad kidney infection from the no sleeping and eating from the Adderall, my kidney tests came back elevated but fine, part of the reason I decided to decrease the Adderall besides me going completely INSANE. Yeah, yeah, I know why dont you just get off all your meds and eat healthy, easier said than done. I havent even worked for shit 6-7 years now for A] not wanting tooo B] not having to C] feeling afraid to work. Yeah I know I am fuct-up you dont gotta tell me. I am not on disability or any of that crap I dont believe in that, [for some maybee, but I dont need it].

Otherwise I am happy, and been busy hitting meetings tending to my HUGE cacti and flower gardens, havent even went out to a bar for a drink since getting off home monitoring which I have a hard time believing, it disgusts me yuck. Plus now I have much more spending cash for things I want like clothes [been buying WAY to much], music shit, I am in the process of building a new computer [so all you guys piggy backing me on your free ride say bye-bye soon, ha, if you only knew]. I am doing great, recently have been hanging out with an OLD girlfriend of mine that I used to go out with when I was like 14-15’ish. 15 yrs. later not much has changed were still the same people for the most part, lol. So that be that, kinda getting prepared in slow motion to make move to somewhere else in the city [Chicago] as I need to start off on a clean fresh slate, my baggage around here is far to heavy to carry. Not to mention there is nothing for me in this leafy well-to-do environment besides chase after young girls, 😉 but that gets boring quick. Sigh, what to do today, what to do…? Exercise go shopping for gardening close out sales? hmm choices.

Patience runs out on the junkie
The dark side hires another soul
Did he steal his fate or earn it
Was he force-fed, did he learn it
Whatever happened to his precious self control

Like him I’m tired of trying to heal
This tom-cat heart with which I’m blessed
Is destruction loving’s twin
Must I choose to lose or win
Maybe when my turn comes I will have guessed

These are the horns of the dilemma
What truth is proof against all lies
When sacred fails before profane
The wisest man is deemed insane
Even the purest of romantics compromise

What fixation feeds this fever
As the full moon pales and climbs
Am I living truth or rank deceiver
Am I the victim or the crime
Am I the victim or the crime
Am I the victim or the crime
Or the crime

And so I wrestle with the angel
To see who’ll reap the seeds I sow
Am I the driver or the driven
Will I be damned to be forgiven
Is there anybody here but me who needs to know

What it is to face this fever
As the full moon pales and climbs
Am I living truth or rank deceiver
Am I the victim or the crime
Am I the victim or the crime
Am I the victim or the crime
Or the crime?

The-One-With-Out-Seeds…
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