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It was a slow week, kinda how I like it these days but that is just an excuse because I am not doing anything!!!  Went to a NA meeting and went out to get some food afterwards with a bunch of people.  A couple of people looked messed up and probably were, ha.  I was talking to some kid that just moved here from California and he got a text from somebody asking him if he wanted any Adderall.  He was talking about tweaking on meth and he looked speed up [big pupils, etc.].  I was tempted to grab him by his shirt collar and yell, YES I want some fucking adderall, text him back.  He said he hooked up with some meth down in the city, whatever.  Mindgames.

I remember going to NA meetings back in the day there seemed to always be somebody selling something.  Flippin’ bags of dope on the smoke break.  I suppose people are still doing something of the sort, like how 3 people get up one after each other and go to the bathroom in the middle of a meeting.  Come back in [one by one] sit down and start rubbing their nose.  You can almost watch the heroin kick in.  Than they just start to nod off and everybody pretends like it isn’t happening.  Haven’t seen that in a couple of months.

I have no urge to use other than puffing and having a couple of beers.  I can ignore that easily, IF I want to which truthfully isn’t all the time.  I was never a big drinker and never will be.  I am pushing a couple of months clean from opiates and a few weeks from the benzos.  I am still getting over a lethargic feeling.  Trying to.  It has been rainy for this whole week and that just gives me an excuse to be lazy.  Tomorrow I plan to get back into the swing of things and get out on my bike and lift some weights, nothing else is making me feel good why not?  I have been sleeping late and doing a whole lot of nothing but feeling sorry for myself.  I need to get a new mp3 player for my bike and need to get to the dentist.  I have a feeling I will get offered a script.  I guess I will see if I can turn it down, maybe I will actually need it.  Have to get a tooth fixxxed.  When I was coming of speed and benzo last year I was clenching my teeth all the fucking time so bad it sucked.  Cracked some teeth got um fixed, got off benzos and opiates this year, re-cracked one.  God my thinking is really going, thinking things out there seedless?  Or not thinking at all.  Cut-it-out.

I need to go shopping for some new clothes, mainly t-shirts.  My friends band is playing Sat. night and that should be a good time see some friends, hear some good tunes.  I really don’t know what to do with myself at least I am used to that feel.  It just seems like I am unsatisfied basically.  Just another night.  Sometimes I just wanna get fucked up I suppose.  I am thankful that I am not acting on that though.  I really hope something changes soon, a girlfriend and a job would probably be a good thing.  I know a job would be good for my mental health because now that school is out I am falling back into my old patterns of laziness.  School got me up early, filled my day with ‘stuff’ and the end of the day I felt like I was being productive.  A job even a nothing job would probably get me out of myself.

It seems like I always make a huge deal about little things in my head.  Even working with friends knowing everything is going to be laid back as hell I still get anxious when I know I have to work.  That goes away though.  I really have to push myself to start doing things that I find uncomfortable because otherwise I will just think about it and have the same feelings.  When I do that year after year its obvious why I don’t have a job because I don’t want one, duh but who does?  Work pretty much sucks unless you get a job you truly enjoy and I guess that is what I am looking for.

I don’t know…

peace.

seedless

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Well I havent written in here lately mainly because I am lazy.

My sleep schedule is out of control these days, I have been sleeping a minimum of 12hrs each night sometimes as many as 16 hrs!  I wake up late in the afternoon and if I am lucky I have an hour of daylight.  I have been eating just one meal a day lately and I am never hungry.  Once I eat I go to one of the NA/AA meetings I go to daily, I have been getting sick of it though as I have been doing it for 9-10 months now.  I question if this is still PAWS from my benzo detox, or if it is depression, or if it is my buprenorphine, or if it is completely changing my lifestyle and not having many people to hang out with.  I guess I was a bit drastic in cutting out a lot of my friendships, Thanks unsubstantiated paranoia from amphetamine abuse.

Sometimes I really wonder why I am placed on this earth.  Has this last year been my punishment for all the sickly deeds I have done in my past?  Man I am having trouble picking out courses for colleges, I keep putting it off, WHY WHY.  I should be doing it right now but I am not.  I am lost in images of my dope days.

Sometimes I want to shed a tear but I cant I am a emotionless robot.  I really shouldnt be complaining but I am. I miss so many things.  Many of which it I that misses myself the most.

I just realized that only some comments from my old bluelight journal got loaded onto here and none of the actual posts, hrmm. I know they are still on a back-up CD I would love to get them up on here as it would be nice to have everything in one place. Not too mention being able to re-read all those old thoughts.

Also in the unpublished draft category I have 70 some more posts that also did not transfer over to this site correctly. I really dont feel like trying to figure out the correct dates I would just approve them all but its better [for me] to have everything in somewhat of a coherent [HAHAHA, yeah right] order. I dont even remember writing alot of this old stuff. I also have about 20 or so old handwritten notebooks that are just FILLED with my beginning of my drug use from about 1990-2000. It is kinda of nice having my whole life on paper or since the advent of computers taking over, on the internets. The nice thing about computers is you get to re-read all of the comments ‘other’ people have posted concerning your life. On the other hand its nice to have the handwritten versions because its just alot more pleasing to the visual eye.

Eventually it is my goal to have all of my ramblings chronologically layed out and bound into nice leather memoirs, as of right now it would probably be a few phonebook sized, drug fueled, non-sensical rambling, sex-scapades, a drug-a-log, madness.

Peace,
Seedless

I was finally able to figure out how to import my old database from junkylife.com/seedless.  I had the files saved to CD’s just to save for when I grow old.  It was impossible to read in the file formats I had but I was successful importing to this blog that I havent touched in a couple years and now I can read them!!!  Not to mention they are online now.

I wrote that journal in an awkward manner.  It doesnt feel to good to read some of that stuff.  Ugh, most of that stuff.  I was a completely different person back than.  Wow!  I almost want to puke after reading some old posts, wtf was I thinking

230 some posts

Sweet Deal

-Seedless

Whats the deal, I would like to be able to have access to my writing on http://www.junkylife.com/seedless.  I can’t really say much except I have never email’d  the site admin Bi11i, why, I dont know..

So Jimmy is in limbo floating thru cyber-space more spaced out than galaxy #2-CB.  Lick the liquid baby, you all suck if you are reading this and you know me in real life.  FREAKS stay away, my stomache turns to disgust when I even think of the lies, greed, dishonesty, and ‘thinking’ 🙂 they are taking advantage.  I need a new laptop, i want mobility.  I hate the digital age already I want to dissapear into the heavily wooded NorthEast or NorthWest [i.e. Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine, Oregon, Washington, N. California, etc.

Why did I waste my life away?  Did I waste my life away, am I a hypocryte?  Possibly do I care? No.  I attoned for my sins, in an arena you would only imagine exists on a IMAX theater scene unimaginable beauty, living right in my head.  WAKE THE FUCK UP PEOPLE!!!  The world ain’t about bitches and money…

Peace & God Bless,

SEEDLESS

One step forward and two steps back
And we’re wishin for a future, reminiscing on a flashback
Chasin a dream, hopin it exists
And we’re grittin our teeth and clinchin our fists

Bored to death as I write this, my mind is blank and I dont know where this entry will go will just have to see. Grew-up in a town infested with money, bored children, and drugs. Drugs of every shade, color, and texture. Stuck in a twisted bottle of malt liquor, many seem to exist, throwing negative comments to and fro. Sittin’ on the bumper of a Cadillac STS, saying where’s the party at? Its right here… couple grams of smack, couple grams of rock, and insane stock piles of pharmies. I am not talkin’ about that party, I wanna party… Chicks, human interaction, fuckin’ and suckin’, carbonation floats upwards as I try to grab a bubble to take me away from this place I despise. I would normally be at a bar by this time 5:40 p.m. half way thru my first 6-pack, throwing dollars into the juke box, listening to Gun’s and Rose’s, ‘One in a Million’. I would be lubricating my mind trying to disappear. Or at the very least trying to ‘forget’. Living to forget, I dont want to remember, I dont want to carry this disease thats been handed down thru family ties, long lines of caine, into the needle into my feeble veins trying to forget. It doesn’t work.

Instead, I sleep the day away, hoping for something I don’t know quite what it is, but I am hoping. I feel the strangle hold my medications have on my body start to flex there muscles, aches arch thru my back, my hands shake gentley, it will just be a matter of minutes until I cave in, I dont want to feel. Scared to death, do you count your breath? Whats really going on, dont got much time left, the next second is now, and now is just than and I’ll never get that moment back again. Such a feeble grasp on serenity and peace, inside me there is a storm brewing, I can hear the Thunder, I can feel the Lightening. Take a few deep breaths and think how much worse I could have it, and to be thankful for what I have. I will probably attend an AA meeting this evening, hanging out with a bunch of future me’s? Was it meant to be? I dont think so, I will wipe that chalkboard clean, the eraser is in my hand, but the horned beast has a power I have a hard time competing with. One of these days, I will rip free of his grasp and walk away.

Into the evening Sunlight, back home, to that white picketed fence. Where my wife will be waiting, beaming a healing energy.

One of these Days,
High Hopes,
On the Turning Away…

I have strong feeling of Nostalgia floating thru me, and I cant put them into words, my mind is jumbled, sorry…

http://www.junkylife.com/seedless/index.php/2006/01/07/nostalgia-from-burning-leaves/

http://www.junkylife.com/seedless/index.php/2005/08/19/nyc-greenwich-village-jones-street/

I’ll try something new, [mind block]… If anybody has an idea or topic or wants to hear about some specific event of my life [entertaining I know :\] but maybe it will help me break my thought block. Post a reply, ask me something, ask me to write about something. I usually just write whats on my mind but lets see if I get any responses, shrug…

Peace,
Seedless

Sorry to anybody that bothers to read my ramblings’ I havent posted to much lately.  Many reasons abound but the main one is I am a lunatic, I can admit it, I live with it and thats that.  My ex-headcase has distracted me from moving forward in my life for the
past few months.  I don’t know why it took me so long to see
what was right before my eyes and in my gut.  I need no negativity in
my life and now I am free.  I already feel the weight lifted off me, a
decent girl she was, but flaws she did have.  Who doesn’t?  I
certainly do, but I can take advice from others instead of CONSTANTLY
having a closed mind.  I really liked the girl but the negativety that
would swirl about when we were together was so off-puting and
did nothing but bring me down.  I always thought I was crazy, but
my insanity got put into perspective by viewing what was a complex
‘girl’ with issues larger than the deep scars of addiction caused on me.
A person that would be so vindictive, disgusted me, when I heard a
few simple words out of her mouth it spoke volumes on what kind
of person she really was.  I wish her the best, I tried and failed I
cant help myself when I am in a swirling negative energy field.

Thats that…

We will continue with our normal brodcast tomorrow.

Peace,
Seedless

usethis.JPG

The full moon is just cresting over the horizon, lighting up the sky in a darkish to light purple. Very few starts are visible, the north star is shining bright on the handle of the big dipper. Twinkling in the evening cold mist, you flip to a different song on your MP3 player, some random tunes parades into your eardrums…

Your rain falls like crazy fingers
Peals of fragile thunder keeping time

Recall the days that still are to come
Some sing blue

Hang your heart on laughing willow
Stray down to the water
Deep Sea of Love

Beneath the sweet calm face of the sea
Swift undertow

Life may be sweeter for this, I don’t know
See how it feels in the end
May Lady Lullaby sing plainly for you
Soft, strong, sweet and true

Cloud hands reaching from a rainbow
Tapping at the window touch your hair

So swift and bright
Strange figures of light
Float in air

You feel that is everything is ok, than a voice tells you to look to the east. A family of deer Silouetted by the bright moon light, heads turned toward you, gnawing on some earth bound plant. A huge Elm tree is outlined in black, making the perfect image. It’s than when you realize everything is not ok, you are not unhappy. You are all alone, you have nobody to share this perfect moment with. Quilt strikes a deep bass chord in your chest, Why? Why? Why? Was I such a moron? I could be spending this moment with someone I care about, tomorrow we could have been laying snow-angel style in the rainbow colored leaves that coat the Autumn grass. We could have been laughing about nonsense, my body and mind ripe with emotion I rarely feel. Our fingers touch and a static charge is released. We roll ontop of each other, brushing her messy hair out of the way of her piercing eyes. Content is the moment that could have and should have been. Embrassing in a wet sloppy ‘teenage like’ kiss, blood rushes to my cock. ‘Fuck it no-one is around, take you pants off’, moments later her perfect smooth ass has my handsfull as she pumps up and down and side to side. Her beautiful face framed by her messed up blonde hair is staring at me with a description I just cant put into words I smile as I brush a lone leaf from her hair. We laugh as she leans down and carrasses my face with her ‘pencil eraser’ nipples. Arching my back I go deeper into her, closing my eyes in exctasy, the perfect feeling. Nothing else matters, I am content and gushing with emotions and feelings I dont know how to express.

I open my eyes, the deer are gone, I am all alone and I have no one but myself to blame. I should have tried harder, I shouldn’t have made such rude comments. Shoulda, coulda, woulda, but now its just me myself and I, minus a couple crystals I have in my pocket. I ask God why? Why, did I ruin such a great thing something I have yet to feel that intense about? I know deep down its my own personality defects from years of drug abuse, years of meaningless flings, fucks, and one-two-night stands. I have so much trouble expressing my true feelings I get tied up in a ball of self-doubt. Next thing you know I am pissed at myself for not acting how I want to act, next thing you know I am flying off the hook with some completely off the wall accusitory comments. Why? I dont know. I regret my actions and words more than I can even begin to express on a keyboard. I guess people have there limits on what kind of abuse they will take, I know I had my limits on the kind of behavior I could take multiple times. I guess I will never know… Sad, isn’t it my first time I could say I felt ‘LOVE’ and I am 30 yrs. old and what do I do but self destruct the relationship because I am too afraid of my feelings or rather how to express them. Sure my judgement was clouded with sleepless nights, insomnia, medication, and fear of the unknow. What was and what could have been, I can finally say I know what it feels to have a broken heart. Is this some sort of lesson or learning process for me? In my gut I think so but in my heart I wish it wasnt so.

I miss you if you read this, I’ll lighten it up a ‘lil…  Please be my friend 🙂

Seedless

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