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It was a slow week, kinda how I like it these days but that is just an excuse because I am not doing anything!!!  Went to a NA meeting and went out to get some food afterwards with a bunch of people.  A couple of people looked messed up and probably were, ha.  I was talking to some kid that just moved here from California and he got a text from somebody asking him if he wanted any Adderall.  He was talking about tweaking on meth and he looked speed up [big pupils, etc.].  I was tempted to grab him by his shirt collar and yell, YES I want some fucking adderall, text him back.  He said he hooked up with some meth down in the city, whatever.  Mindgames.

I remember going to NA meetings back in the day there seemed to always be somebody selling something.  Flippin’ bags of dope on the smoke break.  I suppose people are still doing something of the sort, like how 3 people get up one after each other and go to the bathroom in the middle of a meeting.  Come back in [one by one] sit down and start rubbing their nose.  You can almost watch the heroin kick in.  Than they just start to nod off and everybody pretends like it isn’t happening.  Haven’t seen that in a couple of months.

I have no urge to use other than puffing and having a couple of beers.  I can ignore that easily, IF I want to which truthfully isn’t all the time.  I was never a big drinker and never will be.  I am pushing a couple of months clean from opiates and a few weeks from the benzos.  I am still getting over a lethargic feeling.  Trying to.  It has been rainy for this whole week and that just gives me an excuse to be lazy.  Tomorrow I plan to get back into the swing of things and get out on my bike and lift some weights, nothing else is making me feel good why not?  I have been sleeping late and doing a whole lot of nothing but feeling sorry for myself.  I need to get a new mp3 player for my bike and need to get to the dentist.  I have a feeling I will get offered a script.  I guess I will see if I can turn it down, maybe I will actually need it.  Have to get a tooth fixxxed.  When I was coming of speed and benzo last year I was clenching my teeth all the fucking time so bad it sucked.  Cracked some teeth got um fixed, got off benzos and opiates this year, re-cracked one.  God my thinking is really going, thinking things out there seedless?  Or not thinking at all.  Cut-it-out.

I need to go shopping for some new clothes, mainly t-shirts.  My friends band is playing Sat. night and that should be a good time see some friends, hear some good tunes.  I really don’t know what to do with myself at least I am used to that feel.  It just seems like I am unsatisfied basically.  Just another night.  Sometimes I just wanna get fucked up I suppose.  I am thankful that I am not acting on that though.  I really hope something changes soon, a girlfriend and a job would probably be a good thing.  I know a job would be good for my mental health because now that school is out I am falling back into my old patterns of laziness.  School got me up early, filled my day with ‘stuff’ and the end of the day I felt like I was being productive.  A job even a nothing job would probably get me out of myself.

It seems like I always make a huge deal about little things in my head.  Even working with friends knowing everything is going to be laid back as hell I still get anxious when I know I have to work.  That goes away though.  I really have to push myself to start doing things that I find uncomfortable because otherwise I will just think about it and have the same feelings.  When I do that year after year its obvious why I don’t have a job because I don’t want one, duh but who does?  Work pretty much sucks unless you get a job you truly enjoy and I guess that is what I am looking for.

I don’t know…

peace.

seedless

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Well I havent written in here lately mainly because I am lazy.

My sleep schedule is out of control these days, I have been sleeping a minimum of 12hrs each night sometimes as many as 16 hrs!  I wake up late in the afternoon and if I am lucky I have an hour of daylight.  I have been eating just one meal a day lately and I am never hungry.  Once I eat I go to one of the NA/AA meetings I go to daily, I have been getting sick of it though as I have been doing it for 9-10 months now.  I question if this is still PAWS from my benzo detox, or if it is depression, or if it is my buprenorphine, or if it is completely changing my lifestyle and not having many people to hang out with.  I guess I was a bit drastic in cutting out a lot of my friendships, Thanks unsubstantiated paranoia from amphetamine abuse.

Sometimes I really wonder why I am placed on this earth.  Has this last year been my punishment for all the sickly deeds I have done in my past?  Man I am having trouble picking out courses for colleges, I keep putting it off, WHY WHY.  I should be doing it right now but I am not.  I am lost in images of my dope days.

Sometimes I want to shed a tear but I cant I am a emotionless robot.  I really shouldnt be complaining but I am. I miss so many things.  Many of which it I that misses myself the most.

I just realized that only some comments from my old bluelight journal got loaded onto here and none of the actual posts, hrmm. I know they are still on a back-up CD I would love to get them up on here as it would be nice to have everything in one place. Not too mention being able to re-read all those old thoughts.

Also in the unpublished draft category I have 70 some more posts that also did not transfer over to this site correctly. I really dont feel like trying to figure out the correct dates I would just approve them all but its better [for me] to have everything in somewhat of a coherent [HAHAHA, yeah right] order. I dont even remember writing alot of this old stuff. I also have about 20 or so old handwritten notebooks that are just FILLED with my beginning of my drug use from about 1990-2000. It is kinda of nice having my whole life on paper or since the advent of computers taking over, on the internets. The nice thing about computers is you get to re-read all of the comments ‘other’ people have posted concerning your life. On the other hand its nice to have the handwritten versions because its just alot more pleasing to the visual eye.

Eventually it is my goal to have all of my ramblings chronologically layed out and bound into nice leather memoirs, as of right now it would probably be a few phonebook sized, drug fueled, non-sensical rambling, sex-scapades, a drug-a-log, madness.

Peace,
Seedless

I was finally able to figure out how to import my old database from junkylife.com/seedless.  I had the files saved to CD’s just to save for when I grow old.  It was impossible to read in the file formats I had but I was successful importing to this blog that I havent touched in a couple years and now I can read them!!!  Not to mention they are online now.

I wrote that journal in an awkward manner.  It doesnt feel to good to read some of that stuff.  Ugh, most of that stuff.  I was a completely different person back than.  Wow!  I almost want to puke after reading some old posts, wtf was I thinking

230 some posts

Sweet Deal

-Seedless

Whats the deal, I would like to be able to have access to my writing on http://www.junkylife.com/seedless.  I can’t really say much except I have never email’d  the site admin Bi11i, why, I dont know..

So Jimmy is in limbo floating thru cyber-space more spaced out than galaxy #2-CB.  Lick the liquid baby, you all suck if you are reading this and you know me in real life.  FREAKS stay away, my stomache turns to disgust when I even think of the lies, greed, dishonesty, and ‘thinking’ 🙂 they are taking advantage.  I need a new laptop, i want mobility.  I hate the digital age already I want to dissapear into the heavily wooded NorthEast or NorthWest [i.e. Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine, Oregon, Washington, N. California, etc.

Why did I waste my life away?  Did I waste my life away, am I a hypocryte?  Possibly do I care? No.  I attoned for my sins, in an arena you would only imagine exists on a IMAX theater scene unimaginable beauty, living right in my head.  WAKE THE FUCK UP PEOPLE!!!  The world ain’t about bitches and money…

Peace & God Bless,

SEEDLESS

One step forward and two steps back
And we’re wishin for a future, reminiscing on a flashback
Chasin a dream, hopin it exists
And we’re grittin our teeth and clinchin our fists

Bored to death as I write this, my mind is blank and I dont know where this entry will go will just have to see. Grew-up in a town infested with money, bored children, and drugs. Drugs of every shade, color, and texture. Stuck in a twisted bottle of malt liquor, many seem to exist, throwing negative comments to and fro. Sittin’ on the bumper of a Cadillac STS, saying where’s the party at? Its right here… couple grams of smack, couple grams of rock, and insane stock piles of pharmies. I am not talkin’ about that party, I wanna party… Chicks, human interaction, fuckin’ and suckin’, carbonation floats upwards as I try to grab a bubble to take me away from this place I despise. I would normally be at a bar by this time 5:40 p.m. half way thru my first 6-pack, throwing dollars into the juke box, listening to Gun’s and Rose’s, ‘One in a Million’. I would be lubricating my mind trying to disappear. Or at the very least trying to ‘forget’. Living to forget, I dont want to remember, I dont want to carry this disease thats been handed down thru family ties, long lines of caine, into the needle into my feeble veins trying to forget. It doesn’t work.

Instead, I sleep the day away, hoping for something I don’t know quite what it is, but I am hoping. I feel the strangle hold my medications have on my body start to flex there muscles, aches arch thru my back, my hands shake gentley, it will just be a matter of minutes until I cave in, I dont want to feel. Scared to death, do you count your breath? Whats really going on, dont got much time left, the next second is now, and now is just than and I’ll never get that moment back again. Such a feeble grasp on serenity and peace, inside me there is a storm brewing, I can hear the Thunder, I can feel the Lightening. Take a few deep breaths and think how much worse I could have it, and to be thankful for what I have. I will probably attend an AA meeting this evening, hanging out with a bunch of future me’s? Was it meant to be? I dont think so, I will wipe that chalkboard clean, the eraser is in my hand, but the horned beast has a power I have a hard time competing with. One of these days, I will rip free of his grasp and walk away.

Into the evening Sunlight, back home, to that white picketed fence. Where my wife will be waiting, beaming a healing energy.

One of these Days,
High Hopes,
On the Turning Away…

I have strong feeling of Nostalgia floating thru me, and I cant put them into words, my mind is jumbled, sorry…

http://www.junkylife.com/seedless/index.php/2006/01/07/nostalgia-from-burning-leaves/

http://www.junkylife.com/seedless/index.php/2005/08/19/nyc-greenwich-village-jones-street/

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