I was hanging out with an old friend who relapsed recently and happened to catch a case the first time he copped, bad luck.  It brought back memories of my last arrest.  Ugly memories.  Here is what happened.

I think it might have been 3+ years ago.  I was on probation for poss. of heroin at the time.  Me and my g/f were stuck in a loop of speed and booze.  I was also on opiate maintenance and had a benzo habit.  Basically no holds partying constantly.  We were constantly fighting at this point mainly because of being up for days on end using speed.  I was going to go see a concert down in the city and asked her if she wanted to go, figuring it would be a good thing.  The concert I think was Ratdog.

She loved x and we decided to stock up on it in the lot, which coincidentally was flooded with drugs.  It was a nice summers evening and things were good.  I bought 10 pills of molly and 10 pressed pills.  We each took one and I decided to stock up on some lsd and mushrooms.  Procured a 10-strip and a 1/4 of mushies.  I also had a pill case with me with a few days worth of pills, Adderall, Klonopin, Xanax, Valium, Suboxone, and some sleepers.  Probably about 30-40 loose pills with no prescription bottle but I had prescription forms in my wallet.

We were feeling good of the x and decided to add some mushrooms to the mix probably my idea.  We just laid around till it was time to go in.  I have been to hundreds upon hundreds of concerts and never had any issues with security.  Well that streak was going to end this night.  Unfortunately that night we took the train down to the show so we didn’t have a car to stash our shit in.  So it had to come with us.

We were probably looking a little fuct-up for sure.  I remember standing in line with her feeling the x and mushrooms hitting me in waves, I took a xanax.  So we start to walk in she goes first gets patted down.  I am next I had the bag of mushrooms/acid/x inside my sock, under my foot and my pharmies in my pocket [legal].  Soon as I walked up the security guard immediately reaches his hand into my sock and grabs the bag.   OH SHIT I thought.  As he was pulling it out, I turned on my heels and started to run.  I almost made it out until another security guard catches me with a closeline knocking me to the ground.  Fuck I am fucked.

They pull me off to the side and start to look at all I have, I recall one security guy saying to me ‘Man you are ready for one hell of a party tonight, well not anymore…’   I was flipping at this point drenched in sweat, my g/f friend was in shock just gulping air face frozen.  I give her my wallet with my $ in it and just kinda shrug and say I hope you can find your way home.

They call the Chicago Police to come pick me up and take me down to some precinct that I cant recall.  They made a handful of arrests that night for psychedelics so there were other kids there.  I was the only one strung out on speed, tripping on mushrooms and rolling on x.  They handcuffed me to a wooden bench and started to call me sweaty, lol.

I remember them holding up the strip of unpreferated  lsd and asking me how many hits were there, uhhh just one officer.  They were flipping thru some archaic law book trying to figure out what to charge me with.  To put it lightly it sucked.  From there I was transferred to another precinct and then in the morning transferred to Cook county jail.  I was all hung over from no sleep and the drugs the night before.   Withdrawals from the opiates and benzos were starting to kick in and I just resigned myself that I was utterly fuct.

I remember laying on the floor in some dark cell just completely hopeless as I have been in alot of trouble with the law in the past and this surely was going to be the nail in my coffin.  I never bothered to call anybody to even try to make bail as I felt just well out of it.  Than I still remember it like it was yesterday.  The old metal door creaked open letting in some light, I still recall seeing dust dancing in the the light.

Seedless grab your shit you made bail…

What the fuck are you sure?

Yes you want to stay here?

After a few hours I finally get thru the process of getting bonded out and I am a little curious on who got me out.  I didn’t think it was my g/f as she probably wouldn’t waste 4K on bail for me so I was delighted when I say my friend standing out side waving.

Dude I have been waiting for like 5 hours, I am so sick.  Your sick, fuck…   This was a kid I saw everyday for years and helped him to get thru his day.  So when I wasnt able to be found he tracked down my g/f found out what happened called my mother who gave him bond money and drove down to get me.  The ride home sucked I was in w/d and driving by dope spot after dope spot and he would not stop because he was only a pill head.

Getting home the sun was setting and I was having a hard time wrapping my head around what just happened.  Thank god the county I was on probation didn’t violate your probation untill you are convicted not arrested for the crime.   I ran into my house grabbed more pills and we quickly got fixed up.  Oh man what a sense of relief.  Got dropped of at my g/f’s and that was that.

Long story short my lawyer on the day of court, which I was late to the case because I was too busy smoking crack.  I was wearing a nice suit and I couldn’t tie my tie.  I was geeked.  My lawyer was bitching at me because I was late and he wanted my case called first.  We go up in front of the judge and the police officers that picked me up from the venue were there.  One was a hot blonde.

Than standing up there slightly twitching they read off my charges…  Which seemed like it took 20 minutes.  They listed off each pill I had the weight and the substance, the mushrooms, the x, the lsd, oh man I was shaking at this point.  My lawyer said just relax it will be ok.  He asks for information on the security officers that were the ones that actually caught me.  The cops faces turned into confusion.  Uhh judge we are not in contact with the venue security.  We’ll do you even know there names?  uh….

Than my lawyer says how do we know that this whole thing isn’t just one big farce and the security officers didn’t plant the drugs on my client?  You dont because you dont even know who they are!  I remember looking at the lady who was typing the short-hand notes and she gave me a little smile.  I felt at ease.  The judge agreed and dismissed the case right there on the first court case.  Holy Fuck thank the lord.  He gave me a pat on the back and said try to stay out of trouble seedless.

Sometimes I wonder why things that happened to me happened but I just have to believe that there is an ultimate force that is guiding my life and there is a defined purpose.  I have 2 weeks clean from opiates and I feel ok a little lazy but that is to be expected.





Well I cant sleep,  its only 2:55 am. I just have that not going to sleep soon feeling.

I took 150mg of trazadone, 5mg of klonopin

Drank a beer than went out to drink more.   Bad idea I was achy, restless, and edgy.  Drank 4 beers

Things are not too bad minor w/d.  I was laying in my bed for the last 2 hours tossing and turning.  Constantly stretching and a dry heave,  Nothing that is new to me but it still sucks.  I am praying things start to turn for the better as I dont want to keep taking these benzos.  I finally said fuck it and switched on my light so I could stumble out of my room easier, nope the fucking thing burns out, zap.  So went downstairs made  a cup of Red Zinger tea and got stoned,  it sure is a quiet night.  I wish it was summer so I could hop on my mountain bike and go lay down on a hill and watch the stars, it might make me feel more human than this ill fated robot I feel like,  So yeah.

Now I decided to write on here to well do something.  Plus I always like the click of the keys on the laptop while sitting in the dark, soothing somewhat.

I feel ok for like 1/2 hour than like shitty achy fish-out-of-water.  I think I think about it too much but its hard not too.  I definitely have been thinging how nice a bag of H would be, and how easy…. too easy.  I hate this shit.  Feeling like jello plastic that is uncomfortable.  I could probably try to relax and get some sleep but those thoughts that pop in and out of my head drive me to not sleep.  It only seems when I can divide those thoughts, forget about them and than boom I am in a zen like pre sleep.  GOD I hope tomorrow is better.

Well I… fuck computer just shut down outta the blue, I got stressed and I can chalk up another 4mg of kpin down the hatch.  Thank god wordpress saces enteries like every 30 seconds.  So I think I am going to listen to Peter Gabriel – Secret World, I love that cd.  Feel like shit/feel ok.  Fuck at least I am not in the throngs of H w/d dry heaving green foam and just praying to god for it to stop so I can catch my breath.  I got nothing else.



11:13 pm

Its a little chilly outside tonight and the snoflakes are floating quietly through the air.  As usual I am sitting on the couch.  I have some big fluffy ski socks on, Patagonia fleece ‘lazy’ pants, a cashmere sweater with no undershirt, and my favorite green knit ski hat.  I have the ear flaps tied up on the top of my head.  I have a small fire going in the fireplace, birch wood which puts off quite the flame at first.  The woods in the backyard are dark the only light is coming from the multi-colored string of christmas lights.  I love how the lights look when they are covered in a blanket of snow.  The snow lights up with a diffused glow that is somewhat comforting.

Yet I sit here alone, mindlessly flipping thru nonsense television.  Is this why I got clean?  It seems as if these days I have more issues than when I was constantly using.  At least when I was in active addiction I had some excitement in my life, I never knew what to expect with each day.  I suppose I can only blame myself for how I feel as I dont return many phone calls and I make excuses as to why I dont want to be social.  I need to find myself a girlfriend.  Somebody I can focus my energy on, somebody that can help me through this lull in my life.

Why is it that when I am looking for a girlfriend everything is sparse but when I am not looking things seem to fall into place.  When it rains it pours?  I keep dragging my feet in my effort to change myself and sometimes it is just a jumbled, mixmatched, shook up mess.  I should be thankful that I am not strung out chasing that next hit or sitting in some bar, bored.  I constantly feel like I just complain about my life on here but so the fuck what.  It is better than what I could be doing.  I suppose this is part of recovering, this is part of the price I pay for living a life of intoxication that drips of extremes and excess.  Its natural that I have to come back down from floating in the atmosphere for so long.  I just didn’t think it would last this long.  Or am I just prolonging it by constantly thinking about how ‘crappy’ I think my life is.

I was supposed to go to this meditation class tonight but I blew it off because I woke up late in the afternoon and well frankly I didn’t really feel like it.  I have to start forcing myself to do things I dont want to.  Things are going to change soon, school starts in less than a month and that should be an interesting endevour.  I absolutely hate Sunday nights like this, I know sleep will not be coming soon as I have only been up for 9’ish hours.  In times past I would just medicate the hell outta myself and get to sleep and least somethings are changing.  I saw that movie ‘Avatar’ this weekend and attended an AA meeting and a NA meeting.  Most of the time I am just going through the motions, stuck in this always the same, daily monotony called life.

I suppose I will make a cup of Sleepy-time tea flip thru the TV for a good movie [that I havent seen 5 times] and hope dreamtime will come sooner than I think.  And just maybe, just maybe I will feel better tomorrow and things will slip into place and I will be happy.






I guess fall is here, I have had to cover up my cacti the last few nights and I am starting to get sick of doing so.  I guess its time to bring them indoors.  I am listening to Space Wrangler – Widespread Panic.  Sugary coffee and suboxone was my breakfast.  I need to get in the shower, shave and call back ‘soccer mom’.  Her phone call woke me up this morning but I didnt answer it.  I just laid in bed staring wide-eyed at the ceiling and tried to piece together the nights dreams.

The soccer mom is some woman I met in Alcoholics Anonymous a place where it is a horrible place to pick up chicks but I dont have a problem with them picking me up, hrmmm.  The last chick I hung out with from AA was this younger, innocent type of girl.  She told me she was 24, although I have a feeling she was a little bit younger.  She was very attractive physically but there was just something about her that was kinda off putting.  Probably how she was always cold-faced and rather shielded.  I have to remember that some of these people dont come from the same ‘addiction/abusing’ background as me and thats fine and all but I have a hard time getting in some chicks head who used to drink ‘Listerine’ before school!!!  When she told me that her last relapse consisted of getting of the train in the city [Chicago] and buying a big bottle of mouthwash and pouring it into her coffee mug to drink on the walk to school.  I didnt know what to say…?  I asked what her favorite flavor was, shrug.  Needless to say I haven’t called her back.  I do meet her and three other chicks [from AA] for dinner every Wednesday before we go to the meeting.  Last time at dinner somebody said something along the effect of having to pick up smokes at the CVS drugstore across the street and she said something about buying a bottle of Listerine and drinking it behind the store by the dumpsters.  I laughed.

I got off-track again…  Soccer mom…  Ok so she tells me she is 42 and divorced.  We hung out a few times and I actually had a great time.  So about a week ago I was woken up to her phone call in the morning.  We made small talk and then she asked me if I felt like coming over.  I said sure what the hell, not really catching the vibe that she wanted to fuck.  Well I did but I dismissed it.  So I get over there and she is wearing this tight tits shirt showing off her chest.  It was awkward and I knew I should have taken a xanax before going over there but I have been steering clear of using tranquilizers to mask my anxiety.   Long story short, she got me up into her bedroom under the guise of looking at some pictures.  So were sitting in some day chairs in her room when she gets ontop of me starts making out with me and grabbing my dick.  I was a little uncomfortable to say the least but whatever…

Afterward I told her I felt a little uncomfortable and she started to tear up and get emotional.  WTF!?  I did not want anything to do with this.  She takes some of her xanax and Lorcet, which makes me a little fiendish.  I briefly consider asking her for a handful of the hydrocodone and chasing them with xanax,  I briefly get a vision of myself going over to this lady’s house a couple times a week and getting paid for sex in hydrocodone and xanax.  I nervously laugh and shake my head.  Shit if I still was actively using I would damn sure be getting paid a few hundred dollars a visit.  Problem is I am not using.  I told her I dont want a relationship as I am still trying to recover and it wouldn’t be the smartest thing for me to put myself through.  She is beautiful and a knockout body, plus she is at home all by herself all week untill her daughter comes home from school.  I will just leave it be as a booty call that calls me, ha and hope she remembers what I said about not wanting anything from this.  Originally she was supposed to be just a random AA chick that I was able to meet for coffee and talk about problems at the lunchtime hour and I would like to keep it at that with a blowjob thrown in.   I forsee issues…

Trouble ahead, trouble behind, and you know that notion just crossed my mind

Well I have decided to go back to a state university rather than a private college, at least for this next semester.  Main reason being that last time I was enrolled I just stopped going to class and my GPA plummeted from the bad marks.  Another contributing factor is that I am a little nervous about throwing myself back into the ‘school life’ and if by some fluke if I relapse and get off track I wont waste a shit load of money.  This way I will be able to get used to going back to school and get back into the swing of things without having too much pressure, besides I still have to figure out what I want to do with my life.  Something I have been saying for the last 20 years.  I sure hope I am not saying the same thing in another 10 yrs.

I really dont understand what I was thinking in the depths of my using, I was never concerned about the future or what I wanted to make of myself.  If I could maintain functioning in this fuct up society my back-up plan was to scatter and join a commune in South America.  I have to be grateful I am where I am and not to start idiot banter in my head about I am not where I want to be.  I have to remind myself that a handful of my friends spend there days and nights in the grey bar hotel and will continue to be in there for yeeeears.  I cant even begin to fathom how they must feel with the consequence of their drug use stares back at them in a cold dark gaze.  Another couple handfuls of friends are six feet under the ground and they dont even get a 2nd chance to right themselves, perhaps one or two are looking down on me.

I often wonder why me?  Why was I granted the ability to continue life?  I have always had a feeling that I am destined to something great.  What that is I dont have a clue.  I do know I have been thinking about using Salvia to try and get a fleeting bit of perspective.  For some reason I have been thinking about my last experience using it which is multiple years old.  At night I usually cant sleep for a couple hours after I close my eyes so I have been meditating, praying and I have finally re-accustomed my body to be blank and relaxed.  Anyways when I am laying there I can get into a state where I can let my body slip out of the normal atmosphere and lose myself in a different place.  A good analogy is to picture the Earth and our atmosphere.  Blue skies and clouds and above that the cosmos, it’s the dividing line that I have been seeing in my mind lately.  I cant figure out where Salvia fits into all this and I dont suppose I ever will.

Here is a post I made concerning my last time on it…

Salvia Landscape



I didnt know what I was getting myself into…

Street corners, and Rolling Stones, amphetamines, clouded memory…what was I just saying.  Speed Kills, powders, test-tubes, and bunsun burners.  Inner city blues, shrieks thru the night as the city comes to life.  Red and Blue lights flashing ’round and ’round.  Two for one after dark.  Yellow eyes, shining with infection.  Down with disease, and I am laughing at the begining of dawn, pencil in my hand, and sauce-sized pupils staring back at me.  Depth of field is blurred, you dont care if you live or if you die. 

A fistfulla dollars somebody crying for a fix, another turning trix, yet another robbing you blind.  Conscious of a robot, programed for Stoned Immaculation.  Enter the war zone to get your medicine fix, cartoon like pimps, and scragely street corner tricks.  Industrial size horse needles, 23 gauge you think I give a fuck.  Refill my syringe with a rain puddle, watching the rainbows of gasoline ripple away from the point.  Gotta let that deal go down, your stomache is in your mouth and your mouth explodes your foamy puke, but the dry heaves, oh man, oh man, as the plastic crack smoke comes ringing out your ears.

You kick yourself and bitch and moan, motherfucker its 5am why is my dope spot only selling rocks, I am sick as a dog, why am I smoking crack?  The bellringing, electrifing buzz, rips you into the world of a paranoid.  My mind zips thru the glossy pages of the 2005 PDR I was memorizing while nodding out last night.  Squirming in my flesh.  I flip flop the decisions: should I go to the ‘McDonalds Pill spot’ I know my imprint codes like some people know the current events.  Baseball, hotdogs, applepie, amphetamines, and lsd.  Or should I buy a few more rocks and wait on the bag man and his “15 minutes” and the blows will be out.  [I.E. blows = smack, chunky rocky off white powder behold the power of numbness of the mind].  I decide to buy another rock, head toward the pill spot to try and pick up a gulp fulla methadone, or dilaudid or fentanyl. 

I really dont want eaither of the three but I am sick, my skin is gray, I am a wreck, I think about smashing my car into the stop-light just to get a piddly morphine drip.  Criminal element, tappin the phone.  Riding in second gear in the pre-dawn ghetto, the snow banks are gray, the scene seems to be watercolor washed with a eiree smokey dull gray.  The only light comes from the broken glass as it glitters on the street, thought you had a gram, popin ativan, triple chekcin’ your pockets.  Nose dripping like a ghetto motel bathroom facuet.  My and a friend have been staying at the Shamrock Hotel puffing on botanicals to get our heads clear.  Much like a cold winter night warming around the bonfire.  Except its 8am we have been up since last Friday, minus the unconscious nod-outs.  We met a prostitute next door that instead of turning tricks is more happy to swarm around the red-hot glass pipe, as chunk after chunk of crack gets melted into the brillo.  I have a slight fear about her pimp coming for his money and finding her with a couple of out-of-place doped-up-junky-fucks.  An odd sentiment waterfalls over the scenerio as the prostitute eye’s us both and asks if we want our cocks sucked for another few hits.  Shit naw, we want to flood our bloodstream with a backwash of liquified heroin. RIP>…..

I pass a side street off Independece Ave, on my way towards the Mcdonalds [pills-a-go-go].  Last minute decision I whip the wheel and slide into the turn slipping on the unplwed and icey side streets.  Boom into the curb, fucked up my steering, I spit out of the window as I lean back and flame the craack pipe with two plastic lighters that have been busted open and the flame turned up to a height of about 2-3 inches.

Roast bitch roast.

Clouds of smoke billow out my window as I unroll it at the next corner, I cant hear the dealers at first as I am deaf from the crack rush, my heart beating literally from my chest, addicted to addiction. 

Blows you got blows?  Is all I can must, Yeah Joe… Whatchoo want?  I’ll take 3, no make that 4 [I am not wasting my money, better known dope is to be had].  Ripping the bags open as I drive I balance my upturned popcan on my legs, I drop in 3 bags a mountain of powder gets liquified by my syringe.  Cotton gets dropped in and the nice tan colored water sucken up.  I tie off with my seatbelt and pull over to the curb on some street, I dont care where the fuck I am.  I lunge the needle into my arm pulling it half way out slightly geeked from the crack, my hands are shaking.  I hit a vein and slam the plunger home, ahhh.  Mother dearest I love you but motherfuck do I love you heroin.

I grab some xanax from the glove compartment and pop 4mg to help with my shakes.  I cruize the McPill-spot… typical sellers are out, codiene, hydrocodone, oxycodone, methadose, morphine [only MScontins over priced], dilaudid.  4mg Knoll’s for 5 a pop, I buy 2 and go thru the drive thru ordering a Cherry coke, I crush the pills and empty them into the upturned pop can, I sprinkle my last bag of smack over the pills.  Water, cotton, injection.  FUCKKKkkk… 

I drift back head slaming back into my head rest eyes fluttering riding the rush like a rollercoaster, if I die at least they will find me with a smile on my face.  Straight up fucked up, pulling curbies as I try to drive.  Mirrow, blade, and a pile of pure…   Will I ever change, guess it all depends bottles and cans, seeds and stems, can I borrow another tomorrow.  Gritting my teeth I want more, more, more… 

I stop off a a corner gas station and buy a mini bottle of Vinegar I my way back to my main dope spot the time is approaching 6:13’ish as the morning commute is starting to pick-up I notice the bus-stops are being filled up the faces all a blur to me.  Back at my favorite dope spot at the time, my dealer has finally got his lazy ass outta bed, bout fucking time shit.  I feed this fucker hundreds of dollars a day, I dont even like to think about it after 3 days worth of ca$h. 

Whats up drew…?  Shit man, fucking sick, I need 2 packs and 3 rocks, where were you earlier?  Shit drew this is earlier.  I lean back and adjust the radio, hoping my god will save my soul, talk radio, shitty pop, music, I throw In some Morphine ‘Cure for Pain’ and watch ‘Slim’ run back up to my car with my 24 bags of heroin and 3 rocks.  I notice multiple other cars are starting to pull up as they see the spot is open slanging that super smack.  Slim hands me my taped and sealed packs, and throws me 5 rocks, on the house Drew.  Thanks, catch ya tomorrow I mumble as I am driving away and he is running up to the next car.  I shoot some crack, slam another bag, and than retreat into isolation untill the sickness creeps back.

Inflicted with the madness of addiction and I just cant get enought of it.  I crave it like a 14 yr old craves lsd on home-coming weekend, like a 17 yr old craves, pussy on prom night. 

Just walk away… To much wrong for me to stay, Just walk away…

Instant Karma’s gonna get you
Gonna knock you right on the head
You better get yourself together
Pretty soon you’re gonna be dead
What in the world you thinking of
Laughing in the face of love
What on earth you tryin’ to do
It’s up to you, yeah you

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on…

The hairs stood up on my arms, as I heard this song wash over the radio I was listening to as I was jotting down incoherent notes as I watched NOVA on the television screen.   Instantly a voice came over than me told me to copy those opening lyrics into a journal post, and than just let what comes to mind flow out.


Life is Life, and a Dream is Dream, but is a Dream, Life? Dreamsicle orangey icecream smeared on your face as I lick it like a dog with a fat tongue, ok next.. ha.

Sad awaking for a couple of my old acquaintance’s [I dont know if I brought this up before] but about a month ago a old acquaintance mother passed from cancer and his friend, one of my friends also but his next-door-neighbor started boozin early at the memorial service for his mom. Of course that lead into smoking crack, handfulls of xanax, valium, and methadose pills, probabably some IV coke came into play and of course heroin. The ‘next-door-neighboor’ was never a big heroin user as long story short ended up OD and dying. There are alot of ‘unknowns’ about what actually went down. But the two kids he was with one was on parole the other on probation, they were geeked and tweaked to the goard and freaked. Supposedly dumping the body off at a play ground on a park bench for a group of three 8 yr olds to find. Thats the basic story, the questions unanswered are where did he die? When did he die? Was the body moved after death? They did steal his money and drugs out of his pocket, some friends eh’? Personally I think they dumped the body off when he was dead but I talked to them and of course all had different stories.

They said he was doing way to much heroin, [he never really used it, more of an upper guy, or I should say was]. So they brought him to a park semi-conscious figuring he would wake up and walk home, come on… Dumbasses. I said if you were so afraid of the repercussions of the law for turning in a person still semi-conscious but not yet dead. Why didnt you AT LEAST call from a payphone 911 and report the incident so the kid could be pulled out of his OD. The answers I got were alot of um, ahh, well we should have, I dont know. The answer is because the kid was dead already you fucks. So fast forward a month…

Last friday the States Attorney announced the charges against the two kids [friends of mine for over 20 yrs., real good friends]. The handed down: Drug Induced Homicide [carries 20-40 yrs, something like that] and the second charge Involuntary Manslaughter [carries 4-8, possibly more]. They set the bail at 1 million dollars.

I feel so bad for those guys sitting in jail facing those charges, one is on parole so the bond is void the other I dont think his Dad will put up the 100K to walk just for the fact of the disturbing scenario. Although I could see him doing it and than the kid slip-sliding away into mexico and disappearing for good, you never know. I have been getting a few calls from one of them collect from the jail but I have refused to answer them as I dont want to be involved but part of me is curious as to what he has to say. The other side of my could careless about them sitting in jail as that could have been me that they left on the park bench. It was always an unspoken code that you get the OD’er help IMMEDIATELY no matter what. It pisses me off to no end that they let a good friend die because of there selfish tendencies. Its pretty cut and dry even one of them told me it could have been prevented but they were so out of there minds up on a 2 day binge of extreme amounts of drugs.

Sad, sad, shit I tell ya. I just thank God that I have been clean and staying away from that whole scene utterly and completely. That could have been me, ugh. They new the guy for shit over 25 yrs. makes me sick they didnt seek out help. Karma was bound to get them eventually because god knows the shit they have done in the past has been evil.

Myself I am doing good, I cut back on my Adderall dosage because I was going crazy and not sleeping for 3-4 days not eating and I think I lost 13 pounds in 1-2 weeks. Sick and delusional I tell ya. I wont even tell you how much I weigh well because it will disgust you as it disgusts me, BAD. Even my doctor was like what the fuck, you look sick. Well no shit 90mg of Adderall a day will do that to someone, not to mention the plethora of other drugs I am on. I went back on a low dose of Risperdal for helping me gain weight that shit increases my appetite sooo much. Unfortunately its an anti-psychotic, which I dont really like but has less side efffects than Seroquel which I normally use for sleep. I am not a skitzo I just take low doses for sleep because not much works for getting me to bed basically nothing but a anti-p, sad. So I switched from taking Rozerem [great sleeping med BTW, but no increase in appetite.] to Risperdal. I would alternate before with Rozerem/Ambien/Seroquel/ and occasionally Trazadone. So now that I am not a geeked out adderall taker, I should start to pack on some pounds. Also my doc put me on a prescription Vitamin [didnt know they had those] its called ANIMI-3 [contains: Folic acid- 1mg, Vitamin B-6- 12.5 mgs, Vitamin B-12- 500 mcgs, Omega 3 Acids- 500mgs, -DHA 350 mgs, -EPA 35mgs], I was starting to have a bad kidney infection from the no sleeping and eating from the Adderall, my kidney tests came back elevated but fine, part of the reason I decided to decrease the Adderall besides me going completely INSANE. Yeah, yeah, I know why dont you just get off all your meds and eat healthy, easier said than done. I havent even worked for shit 6-7 years now for A] not wanting tooo B] not having to C] feeling afraid to work. Yeah I know I am fuct-up you dont gotta tell me. I am not on disability or any of that crap I dont believe in that, [for some maybee, but I dont need it].

Otherwise I am happy, and been busy hitting meetings tending to my HUGE cacti and flower gardens, havent even went out to a bar for a drink since getting off home monitoring which I have a hard time believing, it disgusts me yuck. Plus now I have much more spending cash for things I want like clothes [been buying WAY to much], music shit, I am in the process of building a new computer [so all you guys piggy backing me on your free ride say bye-bye soon, ha, if you only knew]. I am doing great, recently have been hanging out with an OLD girlfriend of mine that I used to go out with when I was like 14-15’ish. 15 yrs. later not much has changed were still the same people for the most part, lol. So that be that, kinda getting prepared in slow motion to make move to somewhere else in the city [Chicago] as I need to start off on a clean fresh slate, my baggage around here is far to heavy to carry. Not to mention there is nothing for me in this leafy well-to-do environment besides chase after young girls, 😉 but that gets boring quick. Sigh, what to do today, what to do…? Exercise go shopping for gardening close out sales? hmm choices.

Patience runs out on the junkie
The dark side hires another soul
Did he steal his fate or earn it
Was he force-fed, did he learn it
Whatever happened to his precious self control

Like him I’m tired of trying to heal
This tom-cat heart with which I’m blessed
Is destruction loving’s twin
Must I choose to lose or win
Maybe when my turn comes I will have guessed

These are the horns of the dilemma
What truth is proof against all lies
When sacred fails before profane
The wisest man is deemed insane
Even the purest of romantics compromise

What fixation feeds this fever
As the full moon pales and climbs
Am I living truth or rank deceiver
Am I the victim or the crime
Am I the victim or the crime
Am I the victim or the crime
Or the crime

And so I wrestle with the angel
To see who’ll reap the seeds I sow
Am I the driver or the driven
Will I be damned to be forgiven
Is there anybody here but me who needs to know

What it is to face this fever
As the full moon pales and climbs
Am I living truth or rank deceiver
Am I the victim or the crime
Am I the victim or the crime
Am I the victim or the crime
Or the crime?


Colorado – 1994

Returning back from a short visit to the parental figures and the innercity, Jimmy is strapped with a multiple grams of heroin as he steps of the small airplane, glad to be on the ground and back home in Crested Butee. His friends are in the lounge waiting with fingers crossed. I grab my carry on bag and join them, small talk ensues and the main issue is brought to light. How much did you bring? I laugh and tell them just enough for me, your going to have to stick with your tar smack, while I hit the slopes with my rocky powder. We all get into the old battered 4-Runner and zoom back into town past the downtown strip and into our condo. Where’s the dope? Alright call down, here is a gram for you Brent, a gram for you Kris and a 1/2 gram for you Zieter, that leaves me with 3 grams before I have to switch back to colorado dope, yucky tar. Although this town is a Sitterpharmaceutical free for all from all the ski/board injuries I prefer illicit medicine to ease my pains. We all sit down in front of the roaring fire-place and rig up together, I just do a small shot as I have been banging dope the whole day across the country and in the sky. I settle back with a Fat Tire Ale and listen to the gossip about whats been happening in town since I left. Nothing the but usual wild parties, insane amounts of cocaine, and girls. What day it is is unimportant to me as everyday is the same, wake up late, click into my bindings and ski skate out our back door and ride the gentle slope to the ski lift thats a 2-3 minute glide for us. No waiting on the ski bus. I want to see Jenny but she is off visiting her parents for winter break, all the better I am to stoned to get it up.

New Hampshire 1997

I open the door to the growroom and I am met with a bursting aroma of heat, slight humidity all intertwined with a handful of strains [Shiva Shanti, Northern Lights, NL #5, Skunk red hair] all the real deal aquired from a trip across the sea. I figure on 3-8 days till harvest depending on what plant. They are being starved of water these previous days in an attempt to squeeze every nanogram of THC and its friends into the arm length buds. I shut the door and sit on the floor and look at my face in the crinkled mylar attached to the corners of the room as to not loose any light. The two 1000 watt HPS suns are glowing strong. I can hear taylor downstairs blasting some beatles music… Quote: It’s getting better all the time, I used to get mad at my school, the teachers that taught me weren’t cool I lay in the neatly organized rows of plants and marvel at this grow bumper crop for sure. I will do 2 more watering 1 today which is a mix of carbonated water and fruit punch. The dry plants soak up the sweet tasting brew and I hope my intentions will be realized and I will have a little bit tastier smoke.

California – 1999’ish

I really forget lol stoned on the beach some girl I have known for 2 months trying to convince me not to rent a sleeping space in one of the sailboats in the harbor, why dont I move in with her. Whaaat…? was my reply. I just happen to get involved with this girl on a random notion I was bored. I dont like her place even though its nice I just dont feel right about it. I stay for a week and make up my mind no matter how good the sex is I dont want to live with her. Thinking back I wonder what could have came out of that scenario? Shit I could be a movie star, or dead, or a model, or a beach bum, or strung out on speed and shitty tar? Who knows maybee I would have finished school as UCSB. What would have been will never be known. Its days like this that I wish I would have taken that chance just to see what it brought me. Instead I didnt for reasons I know not. My eyes dripped with tears the day she drove me to the airport to return home. I should have given her a chance. Oh, well thats life.

New York – 2002

Another place where I wish I would have given a better change there were many opportunities out there for me as strong connections were abound, instead I wasted away shooting coke and heroin. I should have stayed. Who knows where I’d be today. Dead? Or successful? Its an expensive place to live our rooftop apartment rented out for 3500$ a month?!?! Insane, just as I was. Thank god for friends and Western Union and Mommy and Daddy. Bad place to try and clean up, I’ll leave it at that.

Chicago – 1995’ish

Our small apartment was set back from the street and I drownded myself in booze to avoid negative forces pulling me back into narcotica. Too many drugs to many problems. The city just wasnt in my plans this season as I needed leafy quite retreats not a 10 minute jaunt to heroin heaven. I remember somebody filling up the needle out of my fishbowl to shoot a shot of rollercoaster cocaine, I had enough. Bail on the lease.

Outskirts of Chicago – Summer 2005

Going slowly insane and tired of medications tired of life and tired of everything. I am protected from life living here as everything is frozen in time. I still get a daily allowance, I still have needles stashed, I have a nice car, I have a bank account, I have copious amounts of pill bottles, I dont work, I party part–time [which is probably 60 hrs a week to most ppl] as of late. I have everything I need but a damn girl friend the last 2-3 g/f’s I flew thru were of no real interest to me just a mere fuck or suck, although I do seem to have a strange attachment to the last one even though I truly didnt like her and its still fucks me up. Its only been 5 months since my last girlfriend and I need a new one badly, mainly for my emotional state. I know something will happen soon, I will make an outgoing attempt soon as I am a pussy and just wait for girls to come to me. I dont want this to be a summer of 1-5 night stands. I want a girl that I enjoy her company to lay with me in the wooded backyard at night drinking booze till I feel looped just holding her in my arms content. I wonder if it will happen, time will tell I guess. 11 years of undetailed memories.
“Down To The River To Pray” As i went down to the river to pray Studyin about that good ol’ way and who shall wear the starry crown? Good Lord show me the way! O sisters let’s go down Lets go down, Come on down O sisters lets go down Down in the river to pray As I went down in the river to pray Studyin about that good ol way And who shall wear the robe & crown Good Lord show me the way O brothers lets go down Let’s go down, Come on down O brothers lets go down Down in the river to pray As I went down in the river to pray Studyin about that good ol way And who shall wear the starry crown? Good lord show me the way O fathers lets go down Let’s go down, Come on down O fathers lets go down Down in the river to pray As I went down in the river to pray studying about that good ol way And who shall wear th robe and crown Good Lord show me the way O mothers lets go down Come on down, don’t you wanna go down? O Mothers lets go down Down in the river to pray As I went down in the river to pray Studin about that good ol’ way And who shall wear the starry crown? Good Lord show me the way O sinners lets go down Lets go down, come on down O sinners lets go down Down in the river to pray As I went down in the river to pray Studyin about that good ol way And who shall wear the Robe and crown? Good Lord show me the way whats next I ask you?

[old post] Will this summer be different than the last? A question I always tell myself it will be. I would give my pinkie finger for the ability to change my lifestyle. I can do it, I just have to make the effort.

Next Page »