– Withdrawls


I feel slowed down.   I am laying on a brown leather sofa soaking up the suns rays through the window.  This is day 4 no opiates and I feel great considering.  Its so comfortable just laying here listening to ‘The Beatles – Let It Be’  CD.   Listening on a Bang and Olufsen in my opinion a damn good system.  I crank my tunes sooo fucking loud.  I have heard some McIntosh systems that are absolutely in-fucking-sane but you’re talking like 25K for a very simple set up with no speakers.  Upstairs I have a Pioneer Elite fucking rocks loud I have a great speaker set up on that one.  I still think this Bang and Olufsen is a little louder and crisper.

I definitely dont feel 100% but I would say 75% worst symptom would be dry heaving.  I rode my bike today for about 5 miles not much but it got the blood pumping even though it was 45 degrees out, burrrr.   Mid 70’s in a couple of days I cant wait.  Today I took 1mg klonopin at 8 am and 1 mg at 3:30 pm.  I probably could have tried to skip that last 1mg but fuck it, its day four.  I deserve it right? hahahahahaahahah

A few more days…  I think I will just curl into a ball and enjoy the music.  Yawn.

I am surprised on how well I feel.  I went out last night to hangout with some old friends and got drunk.  I am of course drained of energy but I have been alternating lifting weights, hot showers, and laying on the couch.  I cant wait to be able to get some warm weather mid 70’s for Chicago midweek.  I just need to feel some warm sun on my skin.  Riding my mountain bike is so relaxing and my legs could definitely use some good stretching.  Its been such a long dreary winter.  So I cant complain too much things are tolerable, my life is in order for a change but I am not sure I like being in order, ha.

Its kinda hard to describe, well no not really…  I have felt much better in these last 2.5 weeks being off suboxone.  I knew that I was getting depressed from being on it for so long [8 yrs].  Definitely dulled me.  Starting to slightly get emotions back, kinda.  It feels like this can be a very good thing.  Am just slightly achy probably more from lifting weights but I do feel that opiate w/d just barely though.  It stays pretty constant I am not having cravings at all and I am not going up and down.  Who knows?  That might change in an hour and I will take a klonopin.  I know I am going to sleep good tonight and that just sounds strange saying that on day 3.  That Tramadol step down definitely helped ALOT.  I have a headache going to take some ibuprofen and try to get motivated to do some school shit, which I should have done days ago.  Oh well at least I have something to do.

Peace,

Seedless

Well so far so good…  48 hours off Tramadol, 2+ weeks off suboxone.  I feel pretty good surprisingly.  I can function and eat.  I am taking clonadine and klonopin to ease the shakiness and restless legs which I dont have.  I do have a headache.  No thoughts of using or hopping back onto any opiate based med.  I really really reallly really hope I get thru this weekend.  I am feeling lazy and cold, but big surprise there.   Its cold around Chicago today which is good because I am not feeling bad about going outside.  I fell asleep last night watching that WEEDS Showtime series and took no sleeping pills, which gave an awkward sleep of 3 hours up for an hour sleep for 4 up for 1.  I woke up and the clock said 8am, FUCK.  I wanted to sleep the day away.  Came downstairs light a huge fire in the fireplace and just laid in front of it for hours falling asleep for an hour.  Just the fact I can sleep eases my mind greatly.

In the back of my mind I am concerned with my Klonopin use lately and frankly I dont know why I am taking it, probably because I have them.  I can not wait for the day I can say I am completely clean from all drugs [minus pot].  It better feel good, damn it.  It will surely feel better than today.  I felt bad today my Dad called me today to ask if I wanted to do some work.  I just said NO, didnt even ask what it was.  I should have just did it, I am sure it was nothing.  Of all days today is not a day I feel like hanging out with my dad.

I can barely get up off the couch to go take a steaming hot shower and shave.  What really pissed me off is my purposeful delaying of getting clean.  When I first started to kick bupe this time I should have just done it, quit being a fucking chump, bite the bullet, and deal with this minor misery.  Its NOTHING compared to heroin addiction.  Yet it still is something, something that I dont like but yet it seems like I am in a constant flux of feeling like this lately.   Turn it up.

Peace,

Seedless

I would rather post this video, Lennon – Mind Games but I cant embed it, here is the link.  Something to listen to when and if you bother to read about my life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OO5LkJJlpTU&feature=related

Well today is my last day on Tramadol.  I have been taking it for 2 weeks using it to ease the w/d from bupe.  I have felt in slight w/d this week, and I am hoping that since tramadol is weak that I let some of the bupe symptoms dissipate, make sense, ha.  I started taking 5 50mg pills and over the course of 2 weeks went down to 1.5 50mg pills.   This weekend is going to be unproductive but is absolutely fucking needed in order for me to be who I want to be, CLEAN.

I am nervous though about my benzo use as I have been taking them daily for the 2 week step down to Tram, and will most likely even though I know I shouldnt take them a bit longer.  Why?  because I am stupid and lol maybe I am just used to always feeling like I am in w/d for the past year so whats another month of being uncomfortable, they prevent me from doing something irate like scoring dope.   I like to tell myself that even though I know it’s an excuse but do I really care?

We were talking about opiate addiction and w/d in one of my classes today, I was totally shaky and coughed a couple times almost dry heaving in class.  Fuck man I can’t hang like that this has to end.  I am not going to classes tomorrow, I am supposed to do homework and lunch with this girl from class but there is no way I will be functioning on a level that wont make it obvious something is going on.  Maybe she already knows?  Who cares?   I should call and cancel but I don’t think it’s needed and will just blow it off like I did the other week.  I don’t know why I do the things I do.  I feel like a relationship will be a positive thing in the upcoming months I just need to get well first.  Plus I am picky.

Worry, worry, worry about nothing, what the fuck this is not how I am used to functioning.  I need some sunshine as much as I hate to admit it I feel a sense of fear and its a bit unerving. sigh.

I been thinking about this old OD a friend had and how it was just a horrible experience.  I think I will write it out to remind me what can happen if I slip.

I think it was in late fall, shit maybe 10 years ago?   My best friend and drug cohort were doing what we did, get high.  I think that night it was xanax bars and excellent Nigerian imported heroin that was so rock hard it sometimes took a litte bit to get it into solution.  We were stoned and decided to go get malts at a local ice-cream place.  Where we ran into a friend who had been living in Colorado at the time.  Talk turned to drugs pretty much instantly and he was coming off a tar habit from west coast dope and wanted to get high.  I remember sitting in the booth with him and you could tell he was blitz’d on some tranquilizer.  We asked him your not high on xanax, this dope is strong etc. blahblahblah.

‘Nope no xanax here’ was his reply

Yeah ok sure.  So lets go get high.  We drove back to my friend’s house and we all proceeded to fix up.  I remember the Colorado friend [I will call him B] kept egging my other friend [T] on a little bit saying oh come on just a little more dope in the spoon, just a few more pebbles.  He got what he wanted.  I remember him walking out of the bathroom needle still in his arm seconds after shooting, and saying OH SHIT this shit is strong.  He than proceeded to bounce of the walls trying to walk to the couch.  He made it as far as the kitchen table where he just fell out.  His beer bottle bounced off the carpet spilling all around him as he lays starting to turn blue.

FUCK!!!  Shit I knew it.  What the fuck are we going to do?  We were in a panic the only logical decision was 911 because it just needed to be done so my friend T scrambles around cleaning up all his dope and shit and stashing it under the deck out back.  In minutes an ambulance and cop arrived.  Questions, questions, questions…  I distinctly remember looking at T and he just looked like a ghost pale white, short sleeve shirts we both wore and tracks on our arms.

I told the medics he was an old friend from Colorado and we went into the bathroom and came out stumbling and fell.  I said he mentioned something about tar heroin.  It was an obvious OD.  It took the paramedics awhile to get him with it.  Longest and most dramatic I have ever witnessed.  Two shots of narcan and he wasnt coming around.  One of the paramedics had me holding a saline bag over his head for dripage, after a while [minutes] it was really taking a toll on me watching what was going on and the police officer took over my position.  Than they said his heart stopped and pulled out some defibrillator and set it on the kitchen table.  I remember thinking this is not good, I still can see the little electronic screen on the machine.  They shocked him once with it and something started happening.

By this time they already had him secured to a dolly and in restraints for violence upon waking.  B started convulsing and then started throwing up this just black, dark, alien looking puke something I have never seen since.  It wasnt your normal charcoal puke, pump your stomach shit.  A couple more minutes and he started to come around restrained by the straps he didn’t know what was happening.  Me and my friend were just frozen looking half dead ourselves.  A few elementary questions from the police officer, he didn’t care he knew what was up and I believe he thought we just went thru quite a shocker and probably thought we would learn our lesson, not for quite a while longer.  Have I learned my lesson?  What the fuck kinda lesson?  Drugs are bad?

B soon started to say he was fine and didn’t want to go to the hospital but it was going to happen no matter what.  In seconds everybody walked out the front door and wheeled B out.  We shut the door and just kinda looked at each other.  I know personally I was used to events like that at that time of my life and I have never really let OD bug me or even as much as I hate to say it deaths bother me.  I just kinda wouldn’t think about it, tune it out, I am numb already.  I sometimes wonder if by not talking about all those things that happened back than has done something to me.  I don’t think so but I can’t tell you for sure.  Not dealing with traumatic issues can have consequences.

The rest of the night is kinda hazy.  I am sure we shot some more dope and I think we watched some music DVD’s and probably said fuck man what happened a few times.  B started to call the house from the hospital wanting us to pick him up.  T didn’t want to and I didn’t blame him.  I believe his parents ended up getting him and he either continued using for a bit or went into rehab and then continued using for a bit, don’t recall.

I really miss the friendship I had with T, things went down and people moved.  We still continue to fight our own battles.  It just sucks these days I don’t have many friendships like I used to have.  I have some friends but I am usually avoiding them.  There are AA and NA friends but it’s just not cutting it for me.  Whatta drag.

I think I checked into rehab a few months after that event and eventually got kicked out and continued using, obviously.  I think I even wrote about the first day at that rehab.  I do have a handwritten journal of that stay there and I only wrote one page, three words.  In very shaky, scratchy handwriting were the words, pills pills pills.

Here is the post on rehab that day, wrote at a later time.

https://seedlesss.wordpress.com/2006/03/05/rehab-visit-1/

I don’t know why those thoughts came into my head perhaps I am just trying to reinforce the negatives that can come from even just one little slip up.  That and I am bored and restless.  I went to a lunchtime AA meeting after school and will probably go to a NA meeting tonight.  Just to do something as the more I sit around the more I think and my thinking can kill me quickly.

Peace, Pot, Microdot,

Seedless

Its seems like sometimes I am living an illusion, the term shattered reality could be imposed.  I never had problems in the past and funny I do say that as I have had plenty of second chances allowed to me.  Things have always been good in all aspects of my life until the last few years pharmaceutical addiction has really worn on me.  I can almost feel it sucking the life force out of me but yet I continue to medicate for reasons sometimes I really dont know why.  Maybe I am just not used to having turbulent times, if you want to call it.  I think the easiest way to describe it would be that I dont handle situations I either ignore or let someone else deal with it for me but now it just seems well different.  I think I have been a little depressed for a little while now but I guess that comes with how I live my life.

So 2.5 ultrams today.  My pupils are big again, fuck it looks so weird like I am starting to get some emotion back into my lifeless eyes.  Things feel good, I still feel a little achy but hardly anything.  Trying to cut out the klonopin as I absolutely dont know why I am taking after this past hell of a year-long detox and now I am putting myself thru opiate w/d FINALLY well shortly, I plan to just taper to maybe .1/2 of a ultram every other day and then drop off.  I read about somebody else using this method and had great success so that makes me happy you never really hear too many success? stories.

This lady from some AA meeting I sometimes go to is always calling me up 2-3 times a day everyday or every other day.  It’s weird and makes me uncomfortable when I hang out with her so its obvious what I neeed to do with that.  I have been really lazy on getting around to do homework, the lack of motivation is disturbing.  I am supposed to call this girl from one of my classes I guess, she gave me her number and told me to call her Sat. or Sun. I didnt get around to calling her.  I am not sure what her deal is yet but she is hot for sure and also young, which kinda bothers me.  I am just thinking realistically or am I just being to sure I think I know what she is thinking, ha.  As you can tell I constantly question myself.  It would be lame if I didnt call her, she wants to work on homework again and it’s not like I am a genius or anything so I do need the work.  Normally I would blow her off but I am trying to be open to change and new things and new people.  Its strange functioning in those classes sometimes, it feels so contrived and trivial, duh.  Regardless its a necessity that should have been accomplished well well over a decade ago, bach degree that is.  I dont have a clue and am in like 3.5 yr of psychology and I enjoy it but it seems off.  Maybe it’s just me.  So I am thinking of switching over to Computer Science but dread some of the classes.  It will set me back a year or so but fucking A all I have is time.

I just want to meet a girl my age not 12 yrs younger or 8 yrs older, but will see I am slowly getting my life back on the road instead of pulled off the road lounging by some campfire wasting time.  A girl friend would be good, but I dont know rambling.  I dont have myself in a position where I feel like I should be in a relationship but it might just be a HUGE motivator.  Is that wrong?  I dont think so, when it happens it happens whatever.

I should be doing homework [it feels strange saying that] right now but I am not and probably wont, fuck thats right I wanted to pick up that Showtime series WEEDS season 3 and on.  Funny ass show, kinda.  I started to ride my bike for a few day and started to lift light weights just to get those chemicals flowing in my brain.  Because god knows I have to do something with my time, like maybe get a fucking job, ha. soon.  Now my whole body aches from reusing all those muscles.  I cant wait till I can start to ride my bike some more so relaxing.

It was heavy snow tonite and I was getting hypnotized by the snow, 70 degrees to snow in days.  I am being lazy watching tv, Chicago News always guaranteed a fucking negative strange production it seems.  So blah I feel very lightly achy but nothing some bubblegum cant cure.  So I suppose tomorrow I actually have to do something if I dont flake out as usual and wait till the last possible second.  I guess thats how I operate and I really dont like it.

Peace,

Seedless

Well I dont really know what to say other than whats been going on…

So my last does of bupe was .1 mg [probably less] on Tues? than I just benzo’d and slleping pilled up and made it untill Friday where I just got fed up feeling like shit and decided to go score some smack.  It was nostalgic as I havent touched it in 4-5 years I knew that was going to happen.  So sat felt ok, Sunday started to get pretty rough, had a family party to go it and I booozed it up asked my mother for some vics, she didnt have any on here.  So I said fuck it and went and score some ultram to ease me down.  I dont handle w/ds well and it seems like I am ALWAYS looking for a crutch.

Over all this w/d is weak but still nerve racking leaving me questioning everything.  If I would have just completely stopped last sat. when I started the detox I would be fine.  I am fine now but I have a low dose of ultram in me.  Which helps me take less benzos which I will not allow myself to get hooked again.  So I went to my doctor today and asked for a small script of ultram to help me when I had moments of insane thinking.  I almost want to flush them and just say fuck it and stick it out but when that ache comes on fuck, I let that insanity start to brew in my head and I  am gone.  So I really dont know whats up.  Not eating, slugish, and extreme cravings at times thats about it, sleeplessness but I knock myself out somehow [pillls].  I just want this to be through I am so tired of constantly feeling like shit if its not one thing its another.

This is the first time I have been w/ opiates in me for a quite a long time 10-15 yrs, and that sounds craazy as I am 33 and I will be the first one to say I am and addict and have been one for along time.  I beat benzo w/d, barely fuck that was an ordeal and a motherfuckin half.  I just need to buck up and do what I know I should do.  Get rid of the ultram [even though I just got it and hour ago] havent taken any still feel ok from taking some last night I am hoping the w/d will just magically disappear, ha.  I have dealt with this many times and this is technically chids play concerned to other opiate w/ds.  But when I get in situations like this I am constantly thinking about it I so sick of dealing withdrawl it used to be fun getting high, maintenence worked, and now sparkling clean it my goal.  It has to work, it will work.

I woke up out of a twisted sleep benzo/trazadone induced. and jumped straight up.  I was sleeping sideways and all fuct up andd SMACK nailed my forehead on a nightstand.  Big cut, blood, fun at 4:30 when your in that half sleep achey fuck the world shitty feeling.  I really do hope I can be a sucess kicking all these addicts and it has been a LONG process.  Things have been changing for the better slowly and thats proof enough for me its the way to go.  I just wished I would of realized this when I started using 20 years ago.  My parents did warn me, but also were liberal about drugs.   I am alive comfortable and not dead and for that I am thankful and maybe I should start seeing a shrink again psychologist [no drug prescribers] but its so hard to find one to relate to and god know I have seen a lot.  NA meeting really let me let off some steam and realize just how lucky I am compared to others.  I dont know if I feel bad saying that but its the truth, things could be sooooooooooo much worse.  I can do anything I want.

I should write about my trip to score but it will just bring to many negative thoughts to head.  I focus on this shit 24/7 it seems I need a break, bad.  I shoulda went on spring break trip but instead I planed a detox, fuck.  I dont think the Heroin set me back to bad just intense feelings after a couple days.  There is so much I want to do but I am so well unmotivated.  I dont know.  I dont even care its so exhausting.

What keeps me going is knowing this will improve immensely when I am clean for a few months, err years and if I continue to use I will die and I mean that.

To quote The beatles…  Its getting better every day [slow]

Today I just was soooo slugish and have been thinking I need to stop the klonpoin b4 it gets out of hand but with out it opiate w/ds just dont really go well.

It just feels like I can feel the cells in my body and it feels like a struggle between good and bad.

I probably should add some Imodium but I am so lazy, 4mg klonopin so far today

sleeping pills soon and I am constantly hot and than freezing.  I have a winter hat and a sweater on, I will probably strip it off in moments.

I just want to remember [again] how opiate w/d sucks.  It has never kept me from stopping in the past but I am long past due.  Kicking the benzos for the last year my life improved greatly.  Now these opiates have been bugging me for years, knowing I am depressed from them.  Yup sweating now.

I know I should be focusing on negative aspects of my drug use, standing over caskets [if I wasnt to stoned to make it], jails, detox, court cases galore, doping on the streets, ugly sickening methadone detoxs.  I just have a hard time focusing on that instead I imagine a maypole with pigtail girls dancing braiding the strand, stoned in a park, streetcorner, wherehave you.  A stinky bag of weed, speed, uppers downers, inbetweeners, lsd, and a slew of others.  A hit of crack would most likely make me puke.  I am just rambling some of these thoughts out of my head so I get get them out.  I hope so atleast.

I cant wait for another week to pass.  I am going to go get bubble gum stoned and try to sleep.  I fell asleep last night when it was well light out, tonight has to be better.

Peace,

Seedless

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