October 2009

Uck,,, Trying to get over a cold.  I need to get on a physical work out schedule so I can get some excercise.  I have been working pretty hard on recovery the past 9 months.  Those months were basic psychological w/d and then trying to acclimate to my surrounding in a matter of living that was so drastic for me.  I have gotten thru this fairly well thanks for the ability to not have many commitments but at time that can come back and bite me.  Such as now how I feel like if I start making a real effort to start eating better and lifting weights.  I have put on a tiny bit of the normal weight gain that comes with cleaning up but I am a metabolism master and lean I am.

So basically I am going to try to switch some effort into approving the physical aspect of my life who knows I might like it but at least it will give me something to do, roll eyes.  So I have been hanging out with soccer mom here and there but some of the vibes I get sometimes make me feel uncomfortable.  Wends. night I got a call from a girl I went to rehab went.  IME hanging out with people from rehab visits never work for the best and its a disaster waiting to happen, I have been there loads of time in the past.  She was one of the few girls I got along with and we switched numbers a couple calls every few months and that was that.  9 months down the line I ger a call from her at 11pm or so,  She seemed upset and we made small talk, how are you doing? clean? etc.  Well turns out she has quit using drugs [scripts] but she drinks every now and than [which means what?  Hiding bottles?  drunk by 11 am? and on and on].  She goes on to tell me her husband getting on her about it and she is sick of it she is soo much better than when I saw her in rehab, sigh…

I guess he caught her hiding wine bottles in drawers and dressers because as she told me she didnt want the kids to be worried if they saw wine out on the counter or whatever, rationalization, deny.  She said she really, really needed to get out of the house and asked me if I wanted to get a drink.  I can have a beer every once and awhile if I want contrary to what Alcoholics Anonymous tells me.  So I agree and we go out to some club that was pumping techno and she was dancing and having fun.  I was more than happy to get her out of the ‘situation’ she was in.  Which was what…  was she buzzed and wanted to party with me at 12-5 am on a Tues or Wends.  I guess so.  I need to get a girlfriend again that has nor never has had an experience with addictions.

I need to call univ. to go over some things and I WILL do it tomorrow.  Things have been going well lately just me nit-picking over inane issues.  I am happy but could be happier.  I have made a conscious decision as of late not to get into a relationship with a girl untill I think I can handle it in recovery as I am not leaving  any loose ends unless they are totally insane which is kinda like the example I gave above.  I have made mistakes in prior recovery’s by getting into relationships when I needed to focus on myself.  Excuses?

I was passing some of my old dope spots in Chicago today as I helped a ‘AA’ person with somethings.  I got to admit that the

urge was strong to use.  I had money in my pocket, it was just one of those sunny fall days.  Where the leaves are a dark purple to starburst yellow.  Everything is right and boom massive cravings, I havent entertained thee though of using heroin in years, well I have but the thought is dismissed.  This craving it just seemed like it would compliment my day perfectly, I could handle one right.  HA, yeah right.  I did catch myself on the ride home looking at everybody on the freeway and realizing that I actually feel good about not picking up.  Not really a big deal but I guess it is tumbling around in my thought washing machine and I just spilled out on to her.

There is more I want to say but I am tired, trying to switch my sleeping schedule back to what the majority of the public views as normal…  survey says…  You’re a dusted out stoner lazy on the couch.



Well I am up by noon today, nice, I have been in a bad slump of sleeping till 3 or 4 this past week.  I get nothing accomplished.  I am laying in bed the sun is breaking thru my clouds and shining in horizontal slats across my room.  My plans for today nothing.  Thats the hardest thing about recovery from the benzo detox is the rebound anxiety missed with my mind filling me with a weird feeling from before. ..

I miss those speedy days with my girlfriend.  It seems like I constantly cycle back to nostalgic drug memories, is that a form of craving, it doesnt matter.  I definetly would not want to be spending today by waking up and before my eyes even open I am already consumed with my morning dose.  Of course I have none left from the previous night.  So lets see…

I was living in NYC at the time.  I was having a hard time living in Chicago because my habit was out of control, always getting my dope and still strung out and sick.  Bouncing from one court case to another in such a narcotic haze, I beat those fucking cops over 25 times with major felonies thru the years in Chicago, no thanks to my lawyer.  Thanks Kuzas.  So needless to say leaving town to avoid any further entainglement was smart.  I had a friend staying in NYC in his sisters ‘back-up’ apartment.  She was the producer on the Jenny Jones show for years and in my younger years we got to sell her and her friend ‘Jenny McCarthy’ a bag of mushrooms [a half ounce] to her flat in Chicago.  I was young at the time 19-20 yrs old?  But when those two hung out [old college buddies] they would hit the town and party.  Sometimes we were the ones that scored the drugs.  Mushrooms and coke, I remember walking up to drop of a 1/2 of mushrooms to her and Jenny.  This was in Jenny McCarthy’s begining days and fuck was she hot and scoring mushrooms.  Nice.

So I move out to NYC to give Mike a roomate.  It was a sweet perfect pad.  Right on the corner of bleecker and Jones street just a short cab ride or walk down to Houston and Ave A B or C.  Thats where my dealers lived.  I decided I was going to clean up and live in NYC, I dont know what I was thinking but what ever.  I went out there with a gram of chicago heroin that was gone soon.  I had money so that wasnt an issue.  My second day I found out where the drug markets were for what.  To my surprise they were in nice areas, with a bunch of party kids.  I am sure the drug markkets get as bad as chicago but thiss made it too easy.  Soon I was off to the races, a typical day would be to wake  up, shoot my wake up bag, take an adderall, lay in bed.  Than get up go down onto the streets and stop at this bakery that was right down the street, whos windows were filled with all sorts of goodies.  I would get one and continue on my way.

Once the adderall was bumping thru me I would decide if wallking was going to happen that day.  It was only like 6 blocks but the degree of my sickness was always the deciding factor.  It was a nice walk with model looking hot chicks thrown into the masses.  As I would get up to the corner at Houston and A I would use the payphone to call B&B. Benda and Billy.  They were a block away and always slanging.  How I met them was a random coincidence.  I was using the open market parks to score in the first couple days I was there, shady and could never get as much as I wanted safely.  Everybody was nodded out all over the place.  One day I saw this kid nodding out against a phone poll, I knew he ws igh and probably wanted some more bags.  So I knocked him on his shoulder to knock him out of his stupor.  I gave him my schpiel.

“Hey I’m drew just moved here from Chicago and I am running out on dope, quick.  You wouldnt be able to help me to score, there’d be something in it for you…”

“Aghhrkdlllllaahhh, yea hI can help youu, I have2 friends that sell out of there apartment just a couple blocks away get me 2 bags and I’ll indroduce you as my cousin from out of state.  That way you can come in and than your set”

“Aww man, shit thanks thats just what I was looking for, I’ll hook you up”

So we make the walk getting to know each other.  He was a little older than me and your typical street junky, kinda looked like he fell of the grateful dead hippy bus a decae ago now spun out on heroin instead of lsd.  Than I met B&B two lovers that had a packaging machine to seal up there dope.  I was in heaven, 80$ bundles, raw dope, and powdered coke in 10$ dime bags.  Needless to say I was a good customer.  My stomch flips when I think of some of those gut twisting bellringers I would have in there lazy-boy, phewww.  That habit got bad over there.  Getting my meds Overnight mailed from Chicago.  Its way to easy to be a junky in greenwich village.

http://www.forgotten-ny.com/STREET SCENES/bleecker/bleecker.html



Poor poor pitiful me…

Slow week, I need to start eating better.  I dont have much too write about, maybe I will write about ‘old things’.  Maybe I can live vicariously thru my past memories.  Healthy?  Do I care…  Tonight I was at a usual NA meeting.  I was late and the temps were sinking low, and the wind blew me indoors.  There is a chick in there who’s name is Mary Jane, I shit you not.  She is older than me and drop dead gorgeous I have been talkin to her for a few months now and I would love to tell her what I would like to do to her.  Plus I think she is married but never wears a wedding ring and I realize everybody doesnt adhere to the ring finger typical wedding ring.  So I have stayed away, that and the fact I have been shaking like I stuck my finger in the electrical socket and generally filled with anxiety.  Thanks to a long term bezo habit, even now 9 months clean from them I am still not back to normal or what I would want normal to be at.  What is normal.  I havent felt normal for a long time and I am sober, hrmpp…

Anyways so in the meeting there was this older lady sitting at the table just fucking wasted.  Nodding out, laying down on her legs, hand twitching, mumbling about something or the other.  Great, there was a girl sitting on the other side of her.  She caught my eyes when I was glancing at the nodded out lady.  I was living thru her in that instance, god how nice it would be to be that fuck doped up tonight.  I ran the thought through my head a few times and it did sound good.  I could probably hit her up for what ever she was on, or I could of had dope in my hand in 30 minutes.  All that was needed was for me to break that little barrier in my mind that told me that was the dumbest thing on earth I could do.  I know that girl next to her was thinking something, I wonder what was going on thru her head.  Coppin’ I am sure as it looked to effect her quite a bit.  I suppose I should have asked.

3 grams of Sour Diesle bubble hash was found after being lost for months.  One of the nicest finds I have had in a long time.  Not much compares to that these days as thats about as far as I bend the illicit scene.  I really do wish marijuana was available for prescription in Chicago, Illinois.  I know there is some a pending vote for legislation for 2009-10 sometime.  People in California have it pretty fucking sweet these days, the selection, the ease, the strength, the freedom.  I can only hope that more good will follow as it is needed elsewhere, like here.  I havent been smoking for about 6 months and I catch myself being so unhappy and just not myself,  just 1-2 small tokes of this and perfect.

Anyways I am talking about nothing.



(news article link)

Video Here

The video shows a girl’s last moments alive as she snorts a large line of ketamine at a party in mainland China. The girl, from Hong Kong, later collapsed and later died in hospital. This disturbing footage highlights the increasing use of ketamine in Hong Kong and mainland China.

Ketamine is a drug frequently used in human and veterinary medicine. It’s availability for legal use has increased its popularity as a recreational drug and criminal gangs often raid veterinary practices and hospitals in order to acquire large quantities of the drug which can later be sold on the illegal market. China has five factories licensed to manufacture ketamine and this is the source of the majority of ketamine that is sold for recreational use in Hong Kong.

The border between mainland China and Hong Kong is one of the most highly trafficked in the world. Recently relaxed border controls have meant that cities liken Shenzen on the Chinese side of the border have seen an increase in young people from Hong Kong coming to have a good time. This goes hand in hand with drug trafficking as young people take advantage of low prices for drugs such as ketamine in China. Shenzen Customs has seen an increase in the number of young suspects involved in cross-border drug use and trafficking since the start of this year.The low prices have made ketamine more appealing to young people as gram of cocaine can be ten times more expensive than a gram of ketamine.

The ketamine problem in Hong Kong has been causing concern as Police have arrested children as young as 13 for Drug Offences according to the Commissioner for Narcotics Sally Wong. But ketamine use is not only confined to youth culture and it is reported to be the second-most popular drug among all age groups in Hong Kong.


I guess fall is here, I have had to cover up my cacti the last few nights and I am starting to get sick of doing so.  I guess its time to bring them indoors.  I am listening to Space Wrangler – Widespread Panic.  Sugary coffee and suboxone was my breakfast.  I need to get in the shower, shave and call back ‘soccer mom’.  Her phone call woke me up this morning but I didnt answer it.  I just laid in bed staring wide-eyed at the ceiling and tried to piece together the nights dreams.

The soccer mom is some woman I met in Alcoholics Anonymous a place where it is a horrible place to pick up chicks but I dont have a problem with them picking me up, hrmmm.  The last chick I hung out with from AA was this younger, innocent type of girl.  She told me she was 24, although I have a feeling she was a little bit younger.  She was very attractive physically but there was just something about her that was kinda off putting.  Probably how she was always cold-faced and rather shielded.  I have to remember that some of these people dont come from the same ‘addiction/abusing’ background as me and thats fine and all but I have a hard time getting in some chicks head who used to drink ‘Listerine’ before school!!!  When she told me that her last relapse consisted of getting of the train in the city [Chicago] and buying a big bottle of mouthwash and pouring it into her coffee mug to drink on the walk to school.  I didnt know what to say…?  I asked what her favorite flavor was, shrug.  Needless to say I haven’t called her back.  I do meet her and three other chicks [from AA] for dinner every Wednesday before we go to the meeting.  Last time at dinner somebody said something along the effect of having to pick up smokes at the CVS drugstore across the street and she said something about buying a bottle of Listerine and drinking it behind the store by the dumpsters.  I laughed.

I got off-track again…  Soccer mom…  Ok so she tells me she is 42 and divorced.  We hung out a few times and I actually had a great time.  So about a week ago I was woken up to her phone call in the morning.  We made small talk and then she asked me if I felt like coming over.  I said sure what the hell, not really catching the vibe that she wanted to fuck.  Well I did but I dismissed it.  So I get over there and she is wearing this tight tits shirt showing off her chest.  It was awkward and I knew I should have taken a xanax before going over there but I have been steering clear of using tranquilizers to mask my anxiety.   Long story short, she got me up into her bedroom under the guise of looking at some pictures.  So were sitting in some day chairs in her room when she gets ontop of me starts making out with me and grabbing my dick.  I was a little uncomfortable to say the least but whatever…

Afterward I told her I felt a little uncomfortable and she started to tear up and get emotional.  WTF!?  I did not want anything to do with this.  She takes some of her xanax and Lorcet, which makes me a little fiendish.  I briefly consider asking her for a handful of the hydrocodone and chasing them with xanax,  I briefly get a vision of myself going over to this lady’s house a couple times a week and getting paid for sex in hydrocodone and xanax.  I nervously laugh and shake my head.  Shit if I still was actively using I would damn sure be getting paid a few hundred dollars a visit.  Problem is I am not using.  I told her I dont want a relationship as I am still trying to recover and it wouldn’t be the smartest thing for me to put myself through.  She is beautiful and a knockout body, plus she is at home all by herself all week untill her daughter comes home from school.  I will just leave it be as a booty call that calls me, ha and hope she remembers what I said about not wanting anything from this.  Originally she was supposed to be just a random AA chick that I was able to meet for coffee and talk about problems at the lunchtime hour and I would like to keep it at that with a blowjob thrown in.   I forsee issues…

Trouble ahead, trouble behind, and you know that notion just crossed my mind

Well I have decided to go back to a state university rather than a private college, at least for this next semester.  Main reason being that last time I was enrolled I just stopped going to class and my GPA plummeted from the bad marks.  Another contributing factor is that I am a little nervous about throwing myself back into the ‘school life’ and if by some fluke if I relapse and get off track I wont waste a shit load of money.  This way I will be able to get used to going back to school and get back into the swing of things without having too much pressure, besides I still have to figure out what I want to do with my life.  Something I have been saying for the last 20 years.  I sure hope I am not saying the same thing in another 10 yrs.

I really dont understand what I was thinking in the depths of my using, I was never concerned about the future or what I wanted to make of myself.  If I could maintain functioning in this fuct up society my back-up plan was to scatter and join a commune in South America.  I have to be grateful I am where I am and not to start idiot banter in my head about I am not where I want to be.  I have to remind myself that a handful of my friends spend there days and nights in the grey bar hotel and will continue to be in there for yeeeears.  I cant even begin to fathom how they must feel with the consequence of their drug use stares back at them in a cold dark gaze.  Another couple handfuls of friends are six feet under the ground and they dont even get a 2nd chance to right themselves, perhaps one or two are looking down on me.

I often wonder why me?  Why was I granted the ability to continue life?  I have always had a feeling that I am destined to something great.  What that is I dont have a clue.  I do know I have been thinking about using Salvia to try and get a fleeting bit of perspective.  For some reason I have been thinking about my last experience using it which is multiple years old.  At night I usually cant sleep for a couple hours after I close my eyes so I have been meditating, praying and I have finally re-accustomed my body to be blank and relaxed.  Anyways when I am laying there I can get into a state where I can let my body slip out of the normal atmosphere and lose myself in a different place.  A good analogy is to picture the Earth and our atmosphere.  Blue skies and clouds and above that the cosmos, it’s the dividing line that I have been seeing in my mind lately.  I cant figure out where Salvia fits into all this and I dont suppose I ever will.

Here is a post I made concerning my last time on it…

Salvia Landscape



I woke up at 3:45pm today, it is now 3:44am, I will be going to bed soon.  I am laying in bed listening to John Prine thinking about things.  Tonite was a slow night, I went to my normal NA meeting and was invited to go to a ‘haunted house’ afterwards.  I said screw it I guess I will go and proceeded to drive over there.  It was a cold night tonight and I was starting to get down on myself about not really having much to do.  At this point I was distracted by the flashing, hypnotizing lights of the casino across the street.  I decided to ditch my fellow NA’ers and try my luck.  I played 40 bucks on the slot machines, $1 slots, needless to say I was out of the casino in roughly 30 mins.  I thought about going to a bar and drowning myself but alcohol is a messy intoxication so I took a pass.

Instead I got a #1 at McDonald’s [no pickles] and a Hi-C orange drink.  I came home and listened to music.  I thought about the way things used to be and how my nights were always filled with fun.  How I always had a handful of different things and people to choose to hang out with.  Now my nights consist of bordum.  It could be alot worse I could be strung out.  I am currently at 1mg buprenorphine [insuffalted].

Here are some old things I posted on bluelight.ru  Some of them might be posted on her somewhere, others might not be.  http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=181442

Anyways I am going to try to sleep.  Lately my dreams have been intriguing.



I just realized that only some comments from my old bluelight journal got loaded onto here and none of the actual posts, hrmm. I know they are still on a back-up CD I would love to get them up on here as it would be nice to have everything in one place. Not too mention being able to re-read all those old thoughts.

Also in the unpublished draft category I have 70 some more posts that also did not transfer over to this site correctly. I really dont feel like trying to figure out the correct dates I would just approve them all but its better [for me] to have everything in somewhat of a coherent [HAHAHA, yeah right] order. I dont even remember writing alot of this old stuff. I also have about 20 or so old handwritten notebooks that are just FILLED with my beginning of my drug use from about 1990-2000. It is kinda of nice having my whole life on paper or since the advent of computers taking over, on the internets. The nice thing about computers is you get to re-read all of the comments ‘other’ people have posted concerning your life. On the other hand its nice to have the handwritten versions because its just alot more pleasing to the visual eye.

Eventually it is my goal to have all of my ramblings chronologically layed out and bound into nice leather memoirs, as of right now it would probably be a few phonebook sized, drug fueled, non-sensical rambling, sex-scapades, a drug-a-log, madness.


It was pouring rain when I walked into the Narcotics Anonymous meeting tonight.  My shoes were squeaking on the linoleum stairs, I was late as usual, and had a Lucinda Williams song stuck in my head.  A tiny voice behind me said,

‘Are you going to the NA meeting?’

Why yes I am, I’ll show you where it is.  A hot little blond [26 yrs old] that just moved here from Florida was the body behind that voice.  She had just gotten out of a halfway house in Tampa and decided to move back here, aka Chicago suburbs.  She used to snort heroin in Chicago, got hooked, went down to Florida to clean up, blahblahblah.  One thing that struck me was the intensity in her voice when she started to talk about how she was introduced to Roxi’s aka roxicodone aka oxycodone hydrochloride.  Her eyes lit up and sparkled when she talked of them.

‘Oh man those roxi’s…’

She had a nice ass, small tits, long blond hair, and a nice face to boot.  I forget her name already and I would have gotten her number after the meeting but I was blocked by another addict, Christine who’s number I did get.  When I got home I took the folded up piece of paper out of my jeans and thru it into my number collection.  Christine didnt ask my age and I didnt ask hers but if I had to guess it would be 23’ish?  She was just recovering after finishing a Subutex detox less than a week ago, her pupils were huge.  For some reason I am always conscious of pupil size most likely because I am always worried that someone will call me out.  I am still taking suboxone [whats fucking new] and my pupils have been pinned for the decade or more.  I feel horrible enough that I am having a hard time kicking this habit that coincidentally probably saved my life but to have someone ask why my pupils are so small would be a blow I dont feel I need to deal with.  Hence one of the reasons I rarely make conversations with people, lame I know.  In reality two-thirds of all people in NA meetings are pretty fucking lame and I wouldnt want anything to do with anyways and out of that one-third that is left 75% of them have habits [if you can call it that] that I cant wrap my head around or rather cant relate to there drug use.  That is a good way to put it with out making me look to much like a crazed eyed monster with a gorrila sized habit and many, many years of abuse.  I am getting off track, although I am not to sure what track I am on… hrmmm

Well I am going to go watch a movie.  I will write more concerning the ‘soccer mom’ post I wrote below, to sum it up briefly crazy, CRAZY, sex fueled, pill popping, lunchtime drinking, hot housewife [errr… divorced?wife] drama.  Thats really not my thing but it does bring some excitement to my rather mundane days as of late.  I am still trying to decide what I am going to do with this, sigh.  Maybe I will call her for coffee tomorrow afternoon unless I sleep all day.  I dont know what it is as of late but I cant find a girl that I am attracted to that is my age.  They are either 24 or 44, not that either of those are too much of an issue but if I really stop and look at myself.  I see an insecure, scattered 32 yr old, who will make up any excuse if the girl is just not perfect.  By perfect I dont mean in beauty I mean somebody that I have a major attraction to.  If that happens right off the bat usually she is already married.  If not I am usually to anxious and shaky to do anything about it, but it seems as if that is a trait that build over a little bit of time [attraction].  Ok I am really rambling nonsense.

Keeping my fingers crossed that Chicago does get the Olympics not because I care about the Olympics, more-so because it would be interesting to see what happens to Chicago business wise, shrug.