May 2010

Well I haven’t written an entry in here for a while.  Mine-as-well…

I am still clean from opiates and benzos, thank god.  Things are starting to get better albeit not as fast as I would really like them to.  I think I focus on the negatives too much, not negatives per say but just acclimating to a lifestyle w/ out drugs.  I am kicking myself for not taking any summer courses which I knew I would be but that is my slacker mentality.  Things/life is actually pretty good, I have $ in my pocket, a nice car to drive, a great place to lay my head, girls to call [if I felt like it, I do but I will get to that later], and a beer to my left.  The best thing though is that I don’t wake up with that urge to use.  No more sketched out mornings/afternoons/evenings/nights and also no more blissed out, nodded out summer afternoons laying in the shade.  Truthfully I really don’t miss that, ok a little but it will not be happening.

I do feel like I am getting a little bit of life back into me and trying to enjoy the simpler things in life, the way the air smells when the sun is setting with the hazy glow around the moon.  It’s not like I didn’t enjoy those things before quite the contrary but it does make me thankful I am not strung out or a slave to the prescription bottle.  I hung out with a couple of girls this weekend, a great time.  Quite interesting.  I lied about my age to them though and it is kinda bothering me now.  Why?  Probably because I am thinking about calling one of them up sometime this week.  I am sure they bumped their age up a little bit and I bumped mine down a little bit.  Still I am roughly about 10 years older.  I am just not a fan of lying.  Whatever I worry about things too much, whatever happens will happen all I have to do is pick up the phone and all will be well.

It has been fucking hot this past week [90 degree hot] and I am reminded on how I don’t like muggy hot weather.  I am thinking about going on some white-water rafting camp out next weekend I guess I will see if I am up for it.  It seems like I immediately veto anything these days and then I wonder why I am bored.  I was never like this when I was using, not even close.  Listening to the Grateful Dead, ‘What’ll You Raise’ love this song.  I suppose all I have is this moment in time and I have to stop waiting for things to come to me.  Instead take an initiative and make things happen or at the very least go with the flow and engage in the activities presented to me.

Is it wrong that I am drinking beer before a NA meeting?  Nope…



Who am I talking to it’s just myself
I talk to the wall when I talk with someone else
Only a few that I met really knew
Why so many good things had so much abuse

It was a slow week, kinda how I like it these days but that is just an excuse because I am not doing anything!!!  Went to a NA meeting and went out to get some food afterwards with a bunch of people.  A couple of people looked messed up and probably were, ha.  I was talking to some kid that just moved here from California and he got a text from somebody asking him if he wanted any Adderall.  He was talking about tweaking on meth and he looked speed up [big pupils, etc.].  I was tempted to grab him by his shirt collar and yell, YES I want some fucking adderall, text him back.  He said he hooked up with some meth down in the city, whatever.  Mindgames.

I remember going to NA meetings back in the day there seemed to always be somebody selling something.  Flippin’ bags of dope on the smoke break.  I suppose people are still doing something of the sort, like how 3 people get up one after each other and go to the bathroom in the middle of a meeting.  Come back in [one by one] sit down and start rubbing their nose.  You can almost watch the heroin kick in.  Than they just start to nod off and everybody pretends like it isn’t happening.  Haven’t seen that in a couple of months.

I have no urge to use other than puffing and having a couple of beers.  I can ignore that easily, IF I want to which truthfully isn’t all the time.  I was never a big drinker and never will be.  I am pushing a couple of months clean from opiates and a few weeks from the benzos.  I am still getting over a lethargic feeling.  Trying to.  It has been rainy for this whole week and that just gives me an excuse to be lazy.  Tomorrow I plan to get back into the swing of things and get out on my bike and lift some weights, nothing else is making me feel good why not?  I have been sleeping late and doing a whole lot of nothing but feeling sorry for myself.  I need to get a new mp3 player for my bike and need to get to the dentist.  I have a feeling I will get offered a script.  I guess I will see if I can turn it down, maybe I will actually need it.  Have to get a tooth fixxxed.  When I was coming of speed and benzo last year I was clenching my teeth all the fucking time so bad it sucked.  Cracked some teeth got um fixed, got off benzos and opiates this year, re-cracked one.  God my thinking is really going, thinking things out there seedless?  Or not thinking at all.  Cut-it-out.

I need to go shopping for some new clothes, mainly t-shirts.  My friends band is playing Sat. night and that should be a good time see some friends, hear some good tunes.  I really don’t know what to do with myself at least I am used to that feel.  It just seems like I am unsatisfied basically.  Just another night.  Sometimes I just wanna get fucked up I suppose.  I am thankful that I am not acting on that though.  I really hope something changes soon, a girlfriend and a job would probably be a good thing.  I know a job would be good for my mental health because now that school is out I am falling back into my old patterns of laziness.  School got me up early, filled my day with ‘stuff’ and the end of the day I felt like I was being productive.  A job even a nothing job would probably get me out of myself.

It seems like I always make a huge deal about little things in my head.  Even working with friends knowing everything is going to be laid back as hell I still get anxious when I know I have to work.  That goes away though.  I really have to push myself to start doing things that I find uncomfortable because otherwise I will just think about it and have the same feelings.  When I do that year after year its obvious why I don’t have a job because I don’t want one, duh but who does?  Work pretty much sucks unless you get a job you truly enjoy and I guess that is what I am looking for.

I don’t know…



Things are moving slowly…

Probably about 1.5 months clean from opiates and a few weeks from klonopin.  I have had no energy the last few weeks.  It completely sucks and I hate that feeling.  Part of the reason is PAWS symptoms and the other part is just me being lazy.  I havent been eating right and it’s just to easily to lay around and do a whole lot of nothing.  I am almost done with school this semester, two more tests this week.  Sometimes I wonder what the hell am I doing in school?  It seems like a complete waste of time and the material is well dull and boring perhaps I should find another subject that interests me.  Thats where the problem lies.

I know I am not going to feel better with the snap of the fingers, I know that much but it seems like I have been floating in this limbo for way to long.  I have been using drugs for a long time so a down period is only natural, right.  At least I am not thinking of using.  Not even thoughts.  Although I have had some dreams lately that involve a powderized form of narcotics.  A thought that I am sure is swimming in my unconscious thoughts somewhere but is simply not going to happen.

Sometimes I just feel like what the hell am I supposed to do?  Get a job?  Find a girl?  Honestly that even sounds dull to me at the moment.  Which I guess reflects the mood I have been stuck in.  I have been telling myself I am going to start lifting weights again and riding my bike just so I can be active.  What the fuck else do I have to do?  Watch TV, please…  Still havent signed up for summer classes, I don’t know why.  School is the only thing that I have to do each day and it gets me up early [8am] than I come home, eat or go out to eat, sometimes go to an afternoon AA meeting, watch tv and procrastinate doing school work, go to a NA meeting, and come home and watch movies.  It fucking sucks and is really irritating me.  Its strange I can sit here and complain about these mundane events happening in my life but yet I don’t do anything to change it, why?

I am getting so fed-up with how I live my life and have been considering getting a job for the summer either that or take a road trip and go dig some crystals somewhere.  I ran into a neighbor at a NA meeting last night it was awkward.  I need to get a haircut also just another thing I keep putting off for no good reason.  I guess I really have to take a good hard look at my life and try to find what makes me happy.  I have been giving some thought to just picking up and moving somewhere but I think I am definitely to early in recovery to do that.  On the other hand, I need some change in my life.  Something different, this bland everyday seems the same shit is really making me unmotivated.

I really don’t have a clue, at all.  Just like my whole life…  I am sick of just sitting around waiting for something to happen to/for me, it gets boring.  Although I suppose that is what I need right now.  Calmness and no responsibilities?  Is that really what I need though?  Sure its nice to be able to do whatever I want, when I want to do it but it fosters and promotes laziness.  Tell you the truth I am a little nervous about getting a job and I guess have been putting it off for many, many years.  Whatever though.  I am clean [off everything, not even taking sleeping pills] and slowly getting better everyday.

You think I would be happy about that but it’s just kinda like ho-hum, fucking great so I am sober.  I have been trying to get to this spot for sooo long and now that I get here its like now what do I do?  Being lazy isn’t the same when you are sober, shit gets old real quick but what am I going to do about it?  Going to go see John Prine play in a couple of weeks which should be good.  Other than that I havent been returning phone calls.  Going out and drinking beer is well boring and leaves me with a headache.  I really should not be complaining though as things are really not that bad.