Not feeling all to hot, I couldnt sleep last night which is nothing out of the ordinary but I had a long day today. I can officially say I am through with any on-going court cases, thank jebus christ. It feels sooo good not to have jail time hanging over my head. Needless to say I fought the law and I won, again. Fuck off, fuckers. Today has been a warped day of reality thanks to a surprise of the ‘kitty’ kind, warble warble. This damn fuckning electronic home monitoring ankle braclet has been on for shit I dont even know 2 weeks maybe. I am drinking Pear necatar and loving the grittiness of the flavor, its says on the can it won the 2005 American Culinary Chefs-Best Award for “The best taste’. My stomach is upset in a way only a dissociative liquid turned crystaline stucture can bring. A feeling oh to familiar to that super warp drive bug-spray smelling drug can bring. I feel sick to my stomach its must have been something I put into my body, and I dont think it was those Sloppy Joe’s I had for supper. Sigh.

Finally its refill day tomorrow and I can finally pick up my amphetamines as I have been out far too long this month. 12 hrs. from now I should be feeling like a speed racer which is good as there have been a few things around the house I have been meaning to get to but haven’t because I am a procrastinator. I dont feel like writing about to much of anything tonight, instead. I think I will go take my dose of opiates and wrap my self in the comfort of a multi-benzo cocktail and go watch a movie. I think either Pepto-Bismo or a low dose of Compazine might be needed. I knew I shouldn’t have petted that kitty for the second time today. As my vision is blurred and my stomach is well a mess, but I am FREE. I know longer have jail hanging over my head I sucessfully kept two seperate cases from having to introduce one to the other judge or I probably wouldnt be typing this write now. I have been under alot of stress lately and I am so pround of myself I havent turned to the needle for comfort [in an opiated fashion]. What else do I have to say. Oh I wouldnt mind fucking my home monitor girl that stops by every other day to collect any info I have concerning when and why I left the house. Yes, I can leave when ever I want, either to look for a job [which I dont see me getting but it gets me out of the house for hours at a time] or to go to see my doctor [tomorrow thank god] I am well stocked on my legally prescribed meds except for my damn amphetamines, argh. Rubbing my eyes brings me into a multi-prismatic picture show behind my eyelids, the spectators are getting boring as my mind has been exploring.

I went to a NA meeting tonight even though I didnt feel like it but I am seriously giving this opiate kick a good run, I just havent actually started yet. Technically I have as I have been hitting quite a few meeting lately I have never been big into the NA/AA 12 stepping it stuff but something seems to be clicking this time and no its not just because of the legal system as I have tried to kick for them plenty of times in the past I am just getting bored with my drab amber pill bottle life. Soon I am going to start a detox at least for my opiate meds, I am leaving the benzos and amp’s stay seated for the time being, life is just so dull. I need to find some sort of spark and maybe it will be girl maybe it will be kicking bupe, slowly. Whatever it is I need some change. I am listening to ‘Old Crow Medicine Show – Wagon Wheel, next song is Jollie Holland ‘I Wanna Die’ just like some of my precious legal plants have been doing, and no its not neglect its just they are sick and close to the point of no return.

Ahhh… another sip of delicious Pear Nectar, mmm. THANK GOT THIS YEAR LONG COURT CASE[S] ARE OVER! I actually made out like a bandit considering my record they wanted me in jail. I am not in jail, HA. Ok, enough is enough. Its Xanax and HBO time and food to mend my dissociative issue. I have been cuttin back on the opiates [still dosing multiple time daily but I have but down]. Enough of this chit-chat its medication time again. I am just not up for writing anything else so deal with it. 😛


Bottoms up, pills under the tongue, set my alarm for Noon and send my doctor a email for a trial of Ambein CR, as I am sick of taking heavy sleeping pills to sleep even though Ambien doesnt put me to bed even in 80mg+ doses and a shit load of other meds that would knock an ordinary person out for at least 24 hrs. Shit its 1am. I am outta here. Food is what I need, you know you want to lick my body well to bad Ill spray paint you in a lime-green mist, unless your breasts are a handful and you have blonde hair and pigtail’s. I haven’t know what day it is all week, it doesnt even matter. You think you might know but you dont know me. I am an illusion of grandeur
Its me who you love,
You can turn to me when your homeless and sick.
I am the one that loves you.
When you wake up on the wrong side of the bed,
I’ll be there for you.

PCP what a wacky wonderful mindfuck…

Last time I puffed it was an accident. I was strung out and took the train to meet my usual chick to go cop some heroin. I was sick and scattered, we had to walk a block or two or three and she sparked up a half joint. Passed it to me and mumbled something about it being a primo [crack+tobacco/coke+weed]. I was busy calculating my piles of powder in my head and took a couple good rips, yup she’s rockin it as that familiar rush zooms thru my body. Another couple pulls… wait a minute here. What did you say that was?

Just rock right? Oh sherm also, great.

Ahh shit, the sidewalk starts to shift sideways and my vision is skewed. Tripping over my own feet, legs of jello. Finally we get to her place, I give her my cash I go inside to wait and watch TV with her grandma.

I start buggin on the 1950’s like TV with the aluminum foil antennas, the room is taking on the typical PCP warp and we sit in silence, among the plastic covered couch [which I feel a connection with thick yellowed plastic, it feels as if its the fluid that has taken over the atmosphere, slow air bubbles burst, I want to roll in the plastic, I hold back though]. My dope girl comes back and throws down a big pile of bags and a few rocks. Asks if I need fresh needles, uh no thanks. I got my own. So me geeked on PCP, tweaked on rock, sick from not having dope I start fumbling with my bags on a TV tray [who has those anymore?] and their taped up and I am having the hardest time trying to open them up, depth perception screwed. The girl is giggling watching me. The grandma seems comatose, wonder what she’s on?

Anyways, I dump 2 bags into my cooker, squirt, filter, suck, Ok ready. Tie off and my veins were horrible at this time I had to dig to find one. Being sick, cracked-out, and pcp fueled doesnt really equate to a easy injection. Needless to say I finally hit and whoooshhh all that anxiety and tripped out crackiness vanished. I tipped ‘whats-her-face’ 10 bucks and she walks me down to the ‘EL’. Than she starts fucking with me telling me she saw some stick-up kids on the way back and we better hurry. Yea funny shit… your lucky your dope is killer. I had a over a grand in my sock under my foot, and a couple 20 in my sock [just incase] but best of all I had a winter coat pocket fulla dope.

Uh whats inside your pocket, uh the inside of my pocket.

I split and made my way up the train platform, packed a pipe load and let that plastic smoke tingle the hairs on my neck. Exhaling when a train flew by the other direction. The auditory hallucinations ringing thru me as my body shakes as the train platform trembles from the passing train. Yum, Good rock. I rip the stem again, ignoring the shells of humans cluttered with their daily nonsense and enter the train.

Deranged eyeballs stare,
I sweat and twitch,
The trains windows etched in graffiti, obscure the glare
Underwater pcp bubbles, slanted
I shoot more dope and smoke more base
Steal your head, right off your face

  • Dimly lit room
  • low-key ambient/electronic/chill-out music [The Orb]
  • a nice wooden tobacco pipe [think 1950’s styling]
  • Salvia [x5 extract]
  • blue flame jet lighter [complete with breasts that light-up]
  • Myself
  • Smoke, poured out my ears
  • perpetuating a fear
  • I couldnt put a physical finger on it
  • a mental thought form, so real in its design
  • I feel like I am sideways, dizzy.
  • slink to the bed, turn the music up a notch
  • Image of tropical fish [tri-blue colored]
  • Turns into a photomosaic structure, thousand upon thousands

I was stretching away from the image, like my mind was being pulled away but a visual aspect of reality had its fingerprint in my present reality image-bank, it was as if I was stretching reality in an elastic sense. I was trying to figure out what exactly was chemically happening to my body, how I felt, etc.

When distration struck me…

Next thing I know I was scanning a bookshelf with a finger I thought to be my own, projection-wise. The finger was controlled by another force as I tried to mentally challenge its motion, to no avail. It zipped along thousands of books and pulled down a book. Before me was what I thought was a book of my life, I flipped thru a few pages and indeed it was my life printed out. Complete with pictures and hyperlinks in the text which brought me to certain arena’s of my life, although vague in depiction.

Than I looked at the ‘Table of Contents’ [which I cant recall]. It was complete and looked as if my life was lived and cataloged. I had trouble getting into any chapters that were in the bottom third of the ‘Titles’. There was a controversy in my head as to a naming of one chapter probably around chapters 3-7 somewhere around there. It was strange as it seemed like I was arguing with an unknown force or entity? I tried to focus on the ending chapters and the last pages of the book but it was like I was fighting something/one in trying to do so. All the writing in the book was in red, when I would highlight it, put my finger over it the color would change to a deep red.
I was left with a strange body buzz for about a 1/2 hour
[A follow-up concerning seeing red in dreams didnt produce anything significant.]

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