Just a bit of a reminder to myself, if I forget and read this in the future…

I collect pharmacuetical memorabila: pens, highlighters, medicine ads, pharmacuetical stuff, mouse-pads, old pharmacutical books or PDR’s,  etc.  I was cleaning up/out the basement these last couple weeks and found some great stuff.  Couple nice HUGE 10×12 inch color pharmacutical ads for Valium and some other meds, semi-new from some old 1950-1985 magazines.  Than I moved on to an old [1900-1950’s] collection of newspapers and founds some better ad’s some nice old cough syrup ad’s, syringe kits, morphine, etc.  A nice big huge full color ad from Coca~Cola when cocaine was still a ingredient in the soda.  It has a nice little quip stating something along the lines of ‘put some pep into your step with Coca~Cola’. 

Than I found this great 1932 newspaper article called I forget the exact name at the second, ‘Confessions of a Hidden Female Heroin addict’ something along those lines.  I wish I had a scanner to scan it and post it up on here as it is a great article describing opiate addiction back in the day.  I am a fiend for stuff like this, she talks about how her doctor is mulling over if he will prescribe her 4 grains [130mg’s if my memory on what a grain is serves me right] of morphine to hold her untill her dealer returns from a trip to NYC to pick-up.  Facinating stuff, to me at least this article is about 4 pages long and that pages are huge some nice black/white illustrations typical of that era and heroin much like the original cover to the 1rst edition of Burroughs Junky.  There is also one other heroin article from 40’s or so concerning a mans stuggle with heroin and morphine addiction, all in pristine condition.

There is a ‘original’ Roore Quaalude pharmacuetical bottle on auction on ebay atm, but last I checked it was up to like $70, its not worth that much to me, it is but idk it kinda is, I have been debating on getting it I think I waited to long and the auctions over, hrmp.

I love stuff like this and am always looking to add to my collection so if anybody has some old magazines or newspapers with some nice pharmacuetical ad’s or stories or even old pharmacuetical books [I have some good ones] or such I will gladly take them off your hands.  I also like collecting newer pharmacuetical items the pharm reps give out to doctors.  I clean my doctor out every visit, I got so much shit,  I know its not the best hobby but its something that I like and enjoy.  This is one of my favorite sites concerning this material this one mainly focuses on older items 

I have to find a scanner to scan in these old heroin articles as they are great.  I think I have one in the basement but its old and crap.  I’ll have to figure something out.  What that is IDK, scanners cant be too expensive these days.  Maybe the Library has one that I can use and just save to disc.  I just get into this kinda stuff and I am sure a few of you guys would get a kick out of it too.

So if you have some stuff you dont want and feel like getting rid of I will gladly take it off your hands.  If you want $, Ill pay if its something I want.  So if you have some stuff laying around please, please feel free to contact me and I will discuss buying or trading it for something you might collect that I have.  Just hit the ‘contact me’ button on the right hand sidebar or leave a comment and I will get back to you.

Well life is life, dull.  It its April and I really should start my detox on bupe but there are so many variables regarding all my other meds.  I finally am collecting my head after a solid month or of heavy amphetamine use.  Near the end I was loosing my mind, I was going insane.  Not sleeping for days on end, not knocking myself out with my sleep medication, not eating healthy or I should say really not at all.  I have always had issues with eating and high doses of ampetamines doesnt help.  I ran out of my script 2 days early which surprised me but I am scripted such a high dose, it holds me strong thru the month.  Ampetamine w/d is nothing to bad I could suppliment with some old Ritalin I have laying around from an old prescription but I need a rest.  I do feel a bit off though, like something is missing.  Could it be my nice big orange IR Adderalls’ hmmm.  I usually just binge hard for two weeks than my meds are gone for 2 weeks and I can have some down time off the amps and the w/d [? minimal but something definetly is feeling strange] is hard to describe I think I think about it to much, than I will try to compensate by taking some more benzos or some extra opiates.  At least sleep is possible, lol.  I was getting tired of trying to go to bed at 5-7am laying there popping a sleeping pill and than deciding fuck it I dont feel like sleeping I would rather organize old letters, and cards from girlfriends and family.  Cracked out and whacked out, just is my life I guess.

Speed, uppers, coke, etc. have not really ever been my cup of tea.  As I am scripted the amp’s to help with my ADHD and to help control my social anxiety.  I need to lower my dose as its just hell on my body and mind.  I see the paranoia and irrational behavior creeping into my life, where there is nothing to be paranoid about.  I am not doing anything illegal, I have nothing to worry about.  Even a few friends have commented to me man you got to slow down, I dont like being around you when you are like this.  I see the doc in a day or two so I will get that sorted out.  I am going to start working on my community service here soon so that should be getting me on a semi-normal routine. 

My life is like I said dull I am on house arrest. Its starting to get warmer out and I am starting to get pissed off more.  Thank god I dont have to be on it thru August or some crap.  First week of June I get off, and let me tell you I cant fucking wait.  My social life has plummeted.  I am not getting laid as often as I should be, which doesnt bother me too much as my sex drive from being on bupe pretty much kills that but I am tired of my fuck buddies and want to find a girlfriend.  This time I am going to do it my way, all my old girlfriends have always been the ones to come up to me and initiate a conversation next thing you know we are inseperable.  My self-confidence has always been so low, that in addition to my anxiety, and my laid back way of life has always made me sit back and wait for the girls to come to me.  Which they do, by the time I am off this electronic monitoring I am going to be a different person.  I have already been changing quite a bit.  I dont have an issue getting girls, I dont think I am ugly, I can get just about any girl I want if I wanted to I believe, call me conceded, call me what you want.  I just cant wait to get out with out having this damn ankle braclet on and get out have a good time and actually hit on a girl and see what happens.  Thinking back in my life I have rarely gone after what I wanted in many aspects of my life.  Girls being just one of them.  I dont know what I am looking for just one with nice champagne glass breasts, a beautiful face, skinny, a laid back attitude, and not a drug user.  [sounds like my last 3-4 girlfriends lol].  This time things are going to be different.  I am going to persue them rather than the opposite.  I am just rambling…

I have been attending quite a bit of NA/AA/DDA [Dual-Diagnosis] meetings lately and am getting into a nice cycle. I have been free of illicit drugs for awhile but I dont consider myself clean, its all my prescription medication that leaves that backdoor open for me to have something to turn to.  Sure I do have some legitimate disorders, anxiety being a MAJOR one, and I do need to be medicated big deal.  I will work thru that later.  I have been taking benzo’s daily for at least 5 yrs. and if I dont take my dose with-in 24-36 hrs.  Your best to stay far away from me or I will explode.  I can only imagine what it is going to be like when I am on my 3-5 day off them, I dont even like thinking about it.  Its really a big psychosomatic issue as I sit here and type this even though I just dosed 6mg of Klonopin and 4mg of Ativan just 3 hrs ago for the K-pins and and hour ago for the Ativan just thinking or typing about it starts to trigger my brain into thinking I need more.  Which manifests it self in strange ‘imaginary?’ physical w/d feelings.  I get the familiar ache kicking in.  Maybee I need to dose my buprenorphine again as I only took a little dose this afternoon when I woke up. 

See how my brain works, its sick, I am sick.  I can tell you though that replacing my illicit use of drugs with a pharmacuetical full on attack I wouldnt trade for anything.  Fuck those days waking up before my eyelids even open my thoughts are consumed with who I should cop heroin off today, who has the best bags, etc.  God-forbid if I didnt have cash to score.  A day of doing nothing up but waking up getting my money, getting my dope, all for the brief 3-6 seconds of bliss when nothing mattered as that rush floats thur me.  I hated that life and loved it at the same time.  I loved those early morning drives to score a couple hundred bucks in my pocket.  Looking at all the cars stuck in rushhour traffic and the people in them thinking, ‘those poor fucking saps, having to actually be up this early to go to work, WORK, wtf is that about.’  I would leisurely smoke my cigarette, and flip thru the radio or listen to some CD’s.  Pull off into the ghetto and buy a few bags of dope and a few rocks of crack.  Rig up get ‘normal’ than break my crack down in Vinegar and slam that needle and shoot for the stars.  Tasting the vinegar taste in my tastebuds as the rush of the cocaine freebase hits me hard flipping my stomache and sometimes making me puke.  Ahhh speed-crack-freebase-city…  Than shoot another bag or tow of heroin to mellow out.  Grab a hot chocolate and a donut relax and than go back score a pack of heroin [10-12 bags/gram or so] maybe another rock or three.  Than I would be fine head home and nod out into oblivion, and repeat for a decade.  Sometimes I truly miss those days I wont lie, but I sure as fuck am glad they are gone thats is for sure.

I just have been so scattered on this last ampetamine run I havent taken all my doses of all my medicines on a set basis as usual so.  I am all over the charts on dosages and times, etc. I need to sit down and organize my dose schedule and what I take each day.  Than start to reduce my buprenorphine intake so by summer time I will have a month or two of no opiates.  Which will halp me in so many ways my appitite, my health, my out-look on myself, and on and on.  Yet, I see my doc in a day or so and I will be back fully stock with my ampetamines.  When I taken them my doses get cut back on my normal meds, [opiates, benzo’s, etc.]  so I do think they can be used in a legitimate tool to help me decrease easier and quicker.  Than at the same time its sooo hard for me to just not take my dose of amps ONE FUCKING day when that bottle sitting in my ‘chest of pills’ under my bed.  I just have to slow my dosage down 75-90mg of Adderall IR is a bit much to help me try to control my anxiety, shit I know what my doctor is trying to do I am not stupid.  She doesnt want to lose a good patient and lets me get what I need or want, I have been with her for over 4 yrs. I did a little quick calculation in my head I have gave her over 25K in the past 4 years [med prices included], comparitively that would be a drop in the buck compared to if I was a full-time dopefiend junk head again.

I miss pot.  Fucking probation.  I hate writing posts like these also because it feels like I am exposing myself but sometimes I think its necessary.  Rather than post some drug-a-log war story or some warped experimental word essay.  I have been working on my oil painting again.  I have my studio set up all nice, but know that I set it up.  I am thinking maybee I should move it upstairs into one of the many empty bedrooms so I can have some natural light rather than in the basement.  On the other hand I have a nice big plush L-shapped leather cough down there, nice rugs, a nice pool table, nice lazy boy leather recliner.  I can also make a much bigger mess down there, on the other hand who really fucking cares…?

Listening to: Miles Davis ‘The Complete Concert: 1964’

Weather: Sunny, still chilly 50 or so…

Attitude: Hungry


I’ll tell you this… No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn.

Back in those days everything was simpler and more confused One summer night, going to the pier I ran into two young girls. The blonde one was called Freedom. The dark one, Enterprise. We talked and they told me this story Now listen to this… I’ll tell you about Texas radio and the big beat Soft driven, slow and mad. Like some new language. Reaching your head with the cold, sudden fury of a divine messenger
Let me tell you about heartache and the loss of God.
Wandering, wandering in hopless night,
Out here in the perimeter there are no stars,
Out here we is stoned,

Not feeling all to hot, I couldnt sleep last night which is nothing out of the ordinary but I had a long day today. I can officially say I am through with any on-going court cases, thank jebus christ. It feels sooo good not to have jail time hanging over my head. Needless to say I fought the law and I won, again. Fuck off, fuckers. Today has been a warped day of reality thanks to a surprise of the ‘kitty’ kind, warble warble. This damn fuckning electronic home monitoring ankle braclet has been on for shit I dont even know 2 weeks maybe. I am drinking Pear necatar and loving the grittiness of the flavor, its says on the can it won the 2005 American Culinary Chefs-Best Award for “The best taste’. My stomach is upset in a way only a dissociative liquid turned crystaline stucture can bring. A feeling oh to familiar to that super warp drive bug-spray smelling drug can bring. I feel sick to my stomach its must have been something I put into my body, and I dont think it was those Sloppy Joe’s I had for supper. Sigh.

Finally its refill day tomorrow and I can finally pick up my amphetamines as I have been out far too long this month. 12 hrs. from now I should be feeling like a speed racer which is good as there have been a few things around the house I have been meaning to get to but haven’t because I am a procrastinator. I dont feel like writing about to much of anything tonight, instead. I think I will go take my dose of opiates and wrap my self in the comfort of a multi-benzo cocktail and go watch a movie. I think either Pepto-Bismo or a low dose of Compazine might be needed. I knew I shouldn’t have petted that kitty for the second time today. As my vision is blurred and my stomach is well a mess, but I am FREE. I know longer have jail hanging over my head I sucessfully kept two seperate cases from having to introduce one to the other judge or I probably wouldnt be typing this write now. I have been under alot of stress lately and I am so pround of myself I havent turned to the needle for comfort [in an opiated fashion]. What else do I have to say. Oh I wouldnt mind fucking my home monitor girl that stops by every other day to collect any info I have concerning when and why I left the house. Yes, I can leave when ever I want, either to look for a job [which I dont see me getting but it gets me out of the house for hours at a time] or to go to see my doctor [tomorrow thank god] I am well stocked on my legally prescribed meds except for my damn amphetamines, argh. Rubbing my eyes brings me into a multi-prismatic picture show behind my eyelids, the spectators are getting boring as my mind has been exploring.

I went to a NA meeting tonight even though I didnt feel like it but I am seriously giving this opiate kick a good run, I just havent actually started yet. Technically I have as I have been hitting quite a few meeting lately I have never been big into the NA/AA 12 stepping it stuff but something seems to be clicking this time and no its not just because of the legal system as I have tried to kick for them plenty of times in the past I am just getting bored with my drab amber pill bottle life. Soon I am going to start a detox at least for my opiate meds, I am leaving the benzos and amp’s stay seated for the time being, life is just so dull. I need to find some sort of spark and maybe it will be girl maybe it will be kicking bupe, slowly. Whatever it is I need some change. I am listening to ‘Old Crow Medicine Show – Wagon Wheel, next song is Jollie Holland ‘I Wanna Die’ just like some of my precious legal plants have been doing, and no its not neglect its just they are sick and close to the point of no return.

Ahhh… another sip of delicious Pear Nectar, mmm. THANK GOT THIS YEAR LONG COURT CASE[S] ARE OVER! I actually made out like a bandit considering my record they wanted me in jail. I am not in jail, HA. Ok, enough is enough. Its Xanax and HBO time and food to mend my dissociative issue. I have been cuttin back on the opiates [still dosing multiple time daily but I have but down]. Enough of this chit-chat its medication time again. I am just not up for writing anything else so deal with it. 😛


Bottoms up, pills under the tongue, set my alarm for Noon and send my doctor a email for a trial of Ambein CR, as I am sick of taking heavy sleeping pills to sleep even though Ambien doesnt put me to bed even in 80mg+ doses and a shit load of other meds that would knock an ordinary person out for at least 24 hrs. Shit its 1am. I am outta here. Food is what I need, you know you want to lick my body well to bad Ill spray paint you in a lime-green mist, unless your breasts are a handful and you have blonde hair and pigtail’s. I haven’t know what day it is all week, it doesnt even matter. You think you might know but you dont know me. I am an illusion of grandeur
Its me who you love,
You can turn to me when your homeless and sick.
I am the one that loves you.
When you wake up on the wrong side of the bed,
I’ll be there for you.

PCP what a wacky wonderful mindfuck…

Last time I puffed it was an accident. I was strung out and took the train to meet my usual chick to go cop some heroin. I was sick and scattered, we had to walk a block or two or three and she sparked up a half joint. Passed it to me and mumbled something about it being a primo [crack+tobacco/coke+weed]. I was busy calculating my piles of powder in my head and took a couple good rips, yup she’s rockin it as that familiar rush zooms thru my body. Another couple pulls… wait a minute here. What did you say that was?

Just rock right? Oh sherm also, great.

Ahh shit, the sidewalk starts to shift sideways and my vision is skewed. Tripping over my own feet, legs of jello. Finally we get to her place, I give her my cash I go inside to wait and watch TV with her grandma.

I start buggin on the 1950’s like TV with the aluminum foil antennas, the room is taking on the typical PCP warp and we sit in silence, among the plastic covered couch [which I feel a connection with thick yellowed plastic, it feels as if its the fluid that has taken over the atmosphere, slow air bubbles burst, I want to roll in the plastic, I hold back though]. My dope girl comes back and throws down a big pile of bags and a few rocks. Asks if I need fresh needles, uh no thanks. I got my own. So me geeked on PCP, tweaked on rock, sick from not having dope I start fumbling with my bags on a TV tray [who has those anymore?] and their taped up and I am having the hardest time trying to open them up, depth perception screwed. The girl is giggling watching me. The grandma seems comatose, wonder what she’s on?

Anyways, I dump 2 bags into my cooker, squirt, filter, suck, Ok ready. Tie off and my veins were horrible at this time I had to dig to find one. Being sick, cracked-out, and pcp fueled doesnt really equate to a easy injection. Needless to say I finally hit and whoooshhh all that anxiety and tripped out crackiness vanished. I tipped ‘whats-her-face’ 10 bucks and she walks me down to the ‘EL’. Than she starts fucking with me telling me she saw some stick-up kids on the way back and we better hurry. Yea funny shit… your lucky your dope is killer. I had a over a grand in my sock under my foot, and a couple 20 in my sock [just incase] but best of all I had a winter coat pocket fulla dope.

Uh whats inside your pocket, uh the inside of my pocket.

I split and made my way up the train platform, packed a pipe load and let that plastic smoke tingle the hairs on my neck. Exhaling when a train flew by the other direction. The auditory hallucinations ringing thru me as my body shakes as the train platform trembles from the passing train. Yum, Good rock. I rip the stem again, ignoring the shells of humans cluttered with their daily nonsense and enter the train.

Deranged eyeballs stare,
I sweat and twitch,
The trains windows etched in graffiti, obscure the glare
Underwater pcp bubbles, slanted
I shoot more dope and smoke more base
Steal your head, right off your face

  • Dimly lit room
  • low-key ambient/electronic/chill-out music [The Orb]
  • a nice wooden tobacco pipe [think 1950’s styling]
  • Salvia [x5 extract]
  • blue flame jet lighter [complete with breasts that light-up]
  • Myself
  • Smoke, poured out my ears
  • perpetuating a fear
  • I couldnt put a physical finger on it
  • a mental thought form, so real in its design
  • I feel like I am sideways, dizzy.
  • slink to the bed, turn the music up a notch
  • Image of tropical fish [tri-blue colored]
  • Turns into a photomosaic structure, thousand upon thousands

I was stretching away from the image, like my mind was being pulled away but a visual aspect of reality had its fingerprint in my present reality image-bank, it was as if I was stretching reality in an elastic sense. I was trying to figure out what exactly was chemically happening to my body, how I felt, etc.

When distration struck me…

Next thing I know I was scanning a bookshelf with a finger I thought to be my own, projection-wise. The finger was controlled by another force as I tried to mentally challenge its motion, to no avail. It zipped along thousands of books and pulled down a book. Before me was what I thought was a book of my life, I flipped thru a few pages and indeed it was my life printed out. Complete with pictures and hyperlinks in the text which brought me to certain arena’s of my life, although vague in depiction.

Than I looked at the ‘Table of Contents’ [which I cant recall]. It was complete and looked as if my life was lived and cataloged. I had trouble getting into any chapters that were in the bottom third of the ‘Titles’. There was a controversy in my head as to a naming of one chapter probably around chapters 3-7 somewhere around there. It was strange as it seemed like I was arguing with an unknown force or entity? I tried to focus on the ending chapters and the last pages of the book but it was like I was fighting something/one in trying to do so. All the writing in the book was in red, when I would highlight it, put my finger over it the color would change to a deep red.
I was left with a strange body buzz for about a 1/2 hour
[A follow-up concerning seeing red in dreams didnt produce anything significant.]

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