It snowed last night and all the tree branches are now white.  It makes everything seem so quiet and peaceful.  This weekend I was a hermit and didn’t do a thing, like I had much to do in the first place.  Backed up against a wall of confusion.  Well I have two more weeks of taking bupe before I jump off.  I am starting to get a creeping sense of dread building in me.  I really should have made a concerted effort to get off this earlier like sometime in the past say 6 or 7 years, ugh.  I know buprenorphine is responsible for alot of my negative feelings or at least I keep telling myself that so it will be easier to come off.

Today I was driving to school and I actually was happy, everything was good.  Bob Marley was in the CD player, Are you a rainbow too?  My coffee tasted sweet and the snow-covered trees looked nice.  I was driving to school, I was doing something positive.  I just felt err… everything just felt right and ok.  Than I started to think about not having anybody to share the day with. [I know that sounds stupid but thats how I felt].  The next images in my head were those orange stop sign Suboxone tablets.  Ahh fuck.  There goes that positive thought.  I usually shut the door on thoughts concerning me feeling sick or w/d [I know that probably sounds off considering how much I talk about the subject on here but it helps to vent].  Those thoughts consistently get tucked away into that hidden drawer in my mind.  There is no skirting the issue, I am going to be sick soon.  That opiate sick.  Cold and dead.  Deep breath.  This has been a problem I have been battling much of my life and I have become pretty adept at blocking thoughts about getting sick or dealing with w/d out of my head.  It seems like I only let myself [lately last 10? years] think about getting sick but I RARELY actually get sick because I ALWAYS find a way to medicate.

Well that is coming to an end and the thought of that makes me uneasy.  What am I going to use to get me through the day?  What happens if I am through with my detox and I am hit with monster cravings and have an inkling to go score?  Not going to happen.  I recall somebody mentioning that cravings only last 4 minutes and if you can get thru those 4 minutes you can do it.  I haven’t had cravings to go score dope in quite a while but I have been on bupe for the last 7/8? years, I don’t even know how long, how fuct is that?  The point being I had to sit on bupe for about 2’ish years before I finally stopped obsessing about that flakey white powder I let rule my life for so long.  I know I will beat it this time I just get a little nervous when I start to think about the ‘what if’s’.

Why did I not kick these tablets the last time I was in rehab [Jan 09]?  Well I tried believe me I tried but w/d’s from benzos/amps were just too much to add opiate w/d on top of them.  That was THE WORST w/d I have ever had to deal with and I have been thru quite a few, ha.  I can say confidently that I am completely free of benzo w/d and have been for the past couple months but it took almost a solid year to get to this point.  Well completely free is a lie, mostly free is better.  The psychological torture was something that I was not expecting.  I felt like I was just one big raw nerve cluster exposed to the elements.  My self-confidence was shattered, I was constantly analyzing myself and beating myself up.  I slipped into depression and took on the life of a sloth.  Normally in the past when I would hear somebody mention symptoms like those I would think big deal.  Depression, whats that?  I was always a pretty positive person and to completely lose sense of who I was, was extremely frightening.  I suddenly thought everybody was judging me and that I was not  good enough just total irrational thinking.  Most of that is gone but I still beat myself up at times.

I am kinda interested to see what these w/d’s will be like.  I have stopped bupe a couple times in the past and it wasnt to bad but my life was at a completely different stage.  When I got out of detox last I stopped taking bupe for about 5 days or so and the w/d was weak and very mild compared to the insanity of heroin addiction.  I could have pushed through but I had a big bottle of bupe and told myself I would have a better chance getting through the hell of benzo w/d.  I made it I have been away from benzos for about 13 months [minus 1 or 2 times] and this is the next step in my life that I need to complete.  If I can get past this last stage I will be able to do absolutely anything in life.  I was sitting in a psych. class today and I was hit with a thought I could be a psych doctor if I really wanted to.  School is nothing, its easy as long as you put in effort.  Shit if my last psych [addiction specialist or addictionologist as I like to refer to her as] could become a doc who pushes scripts across a nice desk, I could to.  My background might interfere with the state licensing boards but I am sure there is a way through or around that obstacle.  Regardless that is not what I want to pursue.

I am interested to see where I will be in 10 or say 20 years.  I wonder if I could predict what will happen to me?  I admire those people who can figure out what they want to do with their life, form a goal, stick to it, and succeed in that effort.  Unfortunately I seem to be the opposite type of personality.  I tend to just go with the flow and  let things progress naturally, what ever happens happens.  I have always been a believer in fate and that I will get what is coming to me.  I have a feeling that everything will be ok and I will be extremely happy in my later years in life.  Where would I like to be in 20 years?  I’d like to be content in my life and emotions.  I would like to be working in a position where I am my own boss and have my own hours.  I would like 2 houses, one quiet tucked up in the mountains of Vermont, New Hampshire, or upstate NY.  The other maybe about 40 stories above the Chicago skyline.  I can’t forget a house on the Gulf of Mexico so I can winter in Florida when I feel like it.  It would be nice to be the author of a few books that garner me success.  Maybe having a little small gig on talk radio as that is something I have always liked.  I have a feeling I will need something with a more immediate sense of accomplishment, possibly working with addicts or homeless, I don’t know.  If I can get a couple of those things to fall in place I will be happy as far as my career aspect of life goes.

The main thing is finding a wife that I am head over heels in love with.  God I can’t wait for that to happen.  I am on my way too all I have to do is rid myself of this last habit I have and I am golden.  The main thing I desire is to have a peace of mind, to be calm and as cliché as it sounds, content.  I have put of living life for so long as my youth was consumed with living in a blur of chemicals.  Oh well that’s life.

I just made a bowl of Minestrone soup and a Havarti cheese sandwich on nice fluffy sesame seed bread.  Yum.  I am starving sometimes I get so hungry its hard to eat though, weird huh?  My Mom just called and asked if I could go over to one of the rental houses and make sure the snow is shoveled.  In the past she wouldn’t have even bothered to ask me to do something and I mine as well be productive because in a couple weeks I will be sick and laid up for a bit.  Sounds like a dream Spring Break eh?  Here’s to another year of trying to get to where I want to be.



I like this older post if I get a chance to make it readable do it.