Well another day down I have felt really good the last couple of days.  Why?  No idea.  I have consciously been trying to change my attitude as I really dont have it that bad at all, its all in your head.  Last night in a meeting I was listening to this older guy who was fighting back tears just go off the hook.  He was fed up with his life, his wife left him 30 days ago, his house was on the market to sell, he lost his job, and was living back with his senior citizen parents.  It was his 7th week in treatment, I assume he still had insurance as I dont know how else he would have been able to afford it.  He kept on talking about sitting alone in a bedroom with a bottle of gin.

You can almost feel the emotion in the room when something like that is going on, a bit like a static charge.  Hopefully he expelled it by dumping all his thoughts out on us.  He continually stressed the point that he was successful in his business life and he said everything just started to seem like it was a fruitless effort.  He said he just stopped caring about life and set out to drink himself to death.  I was sitting right next to him thinking about what kind of new shoes I want.  Maybe I do that so I dont get caught up in his emotions or maybe I have heard hundreds of these ‘guys’, ‘girls’, ‘kids’ express the same thing.  Destruction of the self.   A continual grasp for money, all while letting his family fall apart.  I couldn’t help but imagine scenes from the movie, Leaving Las Vegas.  He was an alcoholic but the other week he did mention that it was cocaine that was the real nail in the coffin.

I dont know why I still go to meeting perhaps to remind myself that things are not that bad for me at all and they could always get ALOT worse quick.  I have to find some more positive events to take up my well being, like a girlfriend.  Part of my brain is telling me that all the suggestive negative behavior and emotions I hear at meetings do have some influence on my own psychological well being.  Even a 10th grader knows your environment is a major factor in your health.  The power of suggestion even cloaked suggestion eventually starts to effect ones own self.  So yeah its possible that AA/NA meetings have had a negative repercussion on my over all health lately.  Do the negatives outweigh the positives though?

It could be the weather that is adding to my depressive state, although I hate to even label it as depressive as I am just plain lazy and not getting out enough or doing enough positive exercise to elevate my mental health.  Plus I am pretty sure the majority of all this ‘blah-ness’ is just long-term PAWS [post acute withdrawal symptoms].  My last psychiatrist was not kidding when he said it might take 1-2 years for my body to rebound fully from the long term  benzo therapy I was on.  He was hesitant to even but a time frame on it as he said it would be ‘suggestive’ and I completely agree.  Oh well, I have to start somewhere.  First school, than a girlfriend, than a job, than back to the real world.  Just my luck when I finally get my shit together watch, the world will start to really get hit with its destructive forces and society as I know it will cease to be.  Or rather I should say society/reality as I view it as my reality is a little bit different than most.

I wish it was warmer so I could go on a nice bike ride as I definitely miss that.  I have been telling myself that I need to start lifting weights.  Mainly to get those chemical reactions to start to occur more readily in my brain besides it couldnt hurt to get a little more physically fit.  Schools going well but I am lacking discipline lately for just sitting down and doing basic studying, [staying on top of my readings, outlining and writing down notes outside of class] as I find when I do that outside of classroom notes/lectures the information tends to stick a little easier.  My classes are populated with young girls, too young.  I have one during my M/W/F classes that is in the same first two classes as me and sits right next to me.  She has kinda been hitting on me or at least being very friendly but I dont know I am just rambling on the computer instead of homework.

I bought a new book today, ‘An Exorcist Tells His Story’ by Gabriele Amorth.  Father Gabriele is the renowned chief exorcist of Rome.  The book is very intriguing and its one of those hard to put down books.  I havent been reading to much for my own personal pleasure as of late and I still have a stack of unread brand new books that I havent even cracked the covers of.  Plus a couple left over Borders gift cards left.

I have been having good dreams the last couple nights.  Usually after I lay down and say prayers I can get in a meditative state where if I focus on just a single image from my dreams I can most of the time get a pretty vivid recall of a big chunk of dreams.  I have always been able to do that but with repeated practice it comes easier.  Last night I woke up exactly at 5:03 am and was pulled out of a dream where I was inspecting loose cut unmounted diamonds.  Some were a pale yellow color and most were clear.  My head was jumbled with the different grading terms upon waking, VVS1, VVS2, VS2, SI1, etc.  I also had the feeling of some kind of ghosts or spirits were around me, I say ghosts because they gave off a negative feeling.  Not scared but a slight uneasy feeling.  I took a mental note to remember and I still have a vivid recall there but it was just a brief memory.

The night before I was in some sort of an airport lounge waiting for a plane but it wasnt normal.  It seemed as if the airline did not have a definite ownership, kinda like ‘rouge air’.  The world outside didnt look or seem like there was destruction about but I got the sense that there was some sort of turmoil.  It seemed lawless as if there was nobody in control.  I could see water and it was calm and a tranquil teal color.  The person on duty taking tickets was standing behind a window that had bars on it.  Me and a friend who’s face and personality are a blur to me were just hanging out in the lounge, kicking our feet up on chairs.  There was a group of 4-5 girls that were being aggressive in a sexual manner, nothing happened though that I recall.  We finally boarded the flight and next thing you know I recall being in a neighborhood that I have been to many times but only in my dreams.  There were big rolling green hills.  Thats all that is popping into my head at the moment.

Peace,

Seedless