Well another day is here.  I didnt sleep last night.

My sleep schedule has been extremely erratic I have been falling asleep at around 4-6am and sleeping the day away, awaking in the twilight hours.  I kinda have just been soaking up the general slackerness of my life the last week or so [ah who am I kidding the last decade ha] because I know that my schedule is going to change.  Its going to change with a quickness, in one week I will be sitting in class this very minute.  I should have tried to get some later classes but thanks to my lackadaisical attitude I put off registering for classes until the last minute.  I should have taken a creative writing class also and I dont know why I really didnt?

So this week I am going to try to flip my sleep schedule back to that of a normal person.  I am excited about being back in school but I feel a bit of anxiety brewing.  I keep telling myself wtf are you worried about and honestly I dont know.  I have to drive up to school TODAY, purchase books and drop of a check, ahh and I need to remember to purchase a parking permit.

Sample in a Jar just started playing.  When I close my eyes to rest them I am met with an image of a hindu deity that looks slightly like CP3O from Star Wars.  I see the head in profile view, framing the bust are arms that rapidly cycle thru different skin tones.  What a strange thought?

Its so boring writing in this as I would a handwritten journal, I like how I used to write things up in here long ago.  Perhaps I should try to change the method behind my madness.  Loving Cup just started.  Well I gave up on the idea of trying to detox before school started, go fucking figure.  I have enough Subs left to last me awhile but I am going to go back to powderizing a 8mg tablet and than individually wrapping up 1mg doses as I tend to have more accurate dosing that way.  Instead of just leaving a pill laying on the cover of  ‘A Long Strange Trip – Dennis McNally’ the book jacket is covered in a cloudy orange dust, it is a dust cover right?  I usually just shave off what ever amount I feel like taking.  I have been using the same rolled up yellow post-it note for a tooter for the past months and some random business card somebody gave me from an AA meeting.

Sometimes I really hate my life and I think I am stuck in a loop of random nothingness, like this moment right now.  I should be happy but i’m not, shrug.  Nothing new on that front.  I take so much for granted.  Something good will happen soon.  Its sad to say but using drugs for so long has kinda burnt me out and I have to try pretty hard to get motivated or to find enjoyment.  The major factor with this dreary attitude definitely has to do with years of benzo use and now that I am off them its taking my brain a long time to adapt.  Is my brain healing, repairing or just [re]learing how to function with out tranquilization.

I am drinking some white cranberry juice, supposedly harvested early for enhanced sweetness.  I can gulp this stuff down, yum.  9:24.  I suppose I should go shower and shave.  I bet it is fucking freezing outside, its warm and calm in my bed.   I am listening to ‘A better place’ by Acoustic Syndicate.  I should call ‘L’ up and she if she is bored enough to ride with me up to school, although I probably wont.  Tonight I have my most favorite NA meeting, lots of good talks and always some nice eye candy to look at.  I can almost start to feel that dull headache starting, you know the one.  Where the only good cure is a nap and some food.  I am not hungry.  I do have weed.  I really should get started here or next thing you know it will be 2pm and I still will be sitting here with nothing accomplished.

Peace,

Seedless