11:13 pm

Its a little chilly outside tonight and the snoflakes are floating quietly through the air.  As usual I am sitting on the couch.  I have some big fluffy ski socks on, Patagonia fleece ‘lazy’ pants, a cashmere sweater with no undershirt, and my favorite green knit ski hat.  I have the ear flaps tied up on the top of my head.  I have a small fire going in the fireplace, birch wood which puts off quite the flame at first.  The woods in the backyard are dark the only light is coming from the multi-colored string of christmas lights.  I love how the lights look when they are covered in a blanket of snow.  The snow lights up with a diffused glow that is somewhat comforting.

Yet I sit here alone, mindlessly flipping thru nonsense television.  Is this why I got clean?  It seems as if these days I have more issues than when I was constantly using.  At least when I was in active addiction I had some excitement in my life, I never knew what to expect with each day.  I suppose I can only blame myself for how I feel as I dont return many phone calls and I make excuses as to why I dont want to be social.  I need to find myself a girlfriend.  Somebody I can focus my energy on, somebody that can help me through this lull in my life.

Why is it that when I am looking for a girlfriend everything is sparse but when I am not looking things seem to fall into place.  When it rains it pours?  I keep dragging my feet in my effort to change myself and sometimes it is just a jumbled, mixmatched, shook up mess.  I should be thankful that I am not strung out chasing that next hit or sitting in some bar, bored.  I constantly feel like I just complain about my life on here but so the fuck what.  It is better than what I could be doing.  I suppose this is part of recovering, this is part of the price I pay for living a life of intoxication that drips of extremes and excess.  Its natural that I have to come back down from floating in the atmosphere for so long.  I just didn’t think it would last this long.  Or am I just prolonging it by constantly thinking about how ‘crappy’ I think my life is.

I was supposed to go to this meditation class tonight but I blew it off because I woke up late in the afternoon and well frankly I didn’t really feel like it.  I have to start forcing myself to do things I dont want to.  Things are going to change soon, school starts in less than a month and that should be an interesting endevour.  I absolutely hate Sunday nights like this, I know sleep will not be coming soon as I have only been up for 9’ish hours.  In times past I would just medicate the hell outta myself and get to sleep and least somethings are changing.  I saw that movie ‘Avatar’ this weekend and attended an AA meeting and a NA meeting.  Most of the time I am just going through the motions, stuck in this always the same, daily monotony called life.

I suppose I will make a cup of Sleepy-time tea flip thru the TV for a good movie [that I havent seen 5 times] and hope dreamtime will come sooner than I think.  And just maybe, just maybe I will feel better tomorrow and things will slip into place and I will be happy.