Life is Life, and a Dream is Dream, but is a Dream, Life? Dreamsicle orangey icecream smeared on your face as I lick it like a dog with a fat tongue, ok next.. ha.

Sad awaking for a couple of my old acquaintance’s [I dont know if I brought this up before] but about a month ago a old acquaintance mother passed from cancer and his friend, one of my friends also but his next-door-neighbor started boozin early at the memorial service for his mom. Of course that lead into smoking crack, handfulls of xanax, valium, and methadose pills, probabably some IV coke came into play and of course heroin. The ‘next-door-neighboor’ was never a big heroin user as long story short ended up OD and dying. There are alot of ‘unknowns’ about what actually went down. But the two kids he was with one was on parole the other on probation, they were geeked and tweaked to the goard and freaked. Supposedly dumping the body off at a play ground on a park bench for a group of three 8 yr olds to find. Thats the basic story, the questions unanswered are where did he die? When did he die? Was the body moved after death? They did steal his money and drugs out of his pocket, some friends eh’? Personally I think they dumped the body off when he was dead but I talked to them and of course all had different stories.

They said he was doing way to much heroin, [he never really used it, more of an upper guy, or I should say was]. So they brought him to a park semi-conscious figuring he would wake up and walk home, come on… Dumbasses. I said if you were so afraid of the repercussions of the law for turning in a person still semi-conscious but not yet dead. Why didnt you AT LEAST call from a payphone 911 and report the incident so the kid could be pulled out of his OD. The answers I got were alot of um, ahh, well we should have, I dont know. The answer is because the kid was dead already you fucks. So fast forward a month…

Last friday the States Attorney announced the charges against the two kids [friends of mine for over 20 yrs., real good friends]. The handed down: Drug Induced Homicide [carries 20-40 yrs, something like that] and the second charge Involuntary Manslaughter [carries 4-8, possibly more]. They set the bail at 1 million dollars.

I feel so bad for those guys sitting in jail facing those charges, one is on parole so the bond is void the other I dont think his Dad will put up the 100K to walk just for the fact of the disturbing scenario. Although I could see him doing it and than the kid slip-sliding away into mexico and disappearing for good, you never know. I have been getting a few calls from one of them collect from the jail but I have refused to answer them as I dont want to be involved but part of me is curious as to what he has to say. The other side of my could careless about them sitting in jail as that could have been me that they left on the park bench. It was always an unspoken code that you get the OD’er help IMMEDIATELY no matter what. It pisses me off to no end that they let a good friend die because of there selfish tendencies. Its pretty cut and dry even one of them told me it could have been prevented but they were so out of there minds up on a 2 day binge of extreme amounts of drugs.

Sad, sad, shit I tell ya. I just thank God that I have been clean and staying away from that whole scene utterly and completely. That could have been me, ugh. They new the guy for shit over 25 yrs. makes me sick they didnt seek out help. Karma was bound to get them eventually because god knows the shit they have done in the past has been evil.

Myself I am doing good, I cut back on my Adderall dosage because I was going crazy and not sleeping for 3-4 days not eating and I think I lost 13 pounds in 1-2 weeks. Sick and delusional I tell ya. I wont even tell you how much I weigh well because it will disgust you as it disgusts me, BAD. Even my doctor was like what the fuck, you look sick. Well no shit 90mg of Adderall a day will do that to someone, not to mention the plethora of other drugs I am on. I went back on a low dose of Risperdal for helping me gain weight that shit increases my appetite sooo much. Unfortunately its an anti-psychotic, which I dont really like but has less side efffects than Seroquel which I normally use for sleep. I am not a skitzo I just take low doses for sleep because not much works for getting me to bed basically nothing but a anti-p, sad. So I switched from taking Rozerem [great sleeping med BTW, but no increase in appetite.] to Risperdal. I would alternate before with Rozerem/Ambien/Seroquel/ and occasionally Trazadone. So now that I am not a geeked out adderall taker, I should start to pack on some pounds. Also my doc put me on a prescription Vitamin [didnt know they had those] its called ANIMI-3 [contains: Folic acid- 1mg, Vitamin B-6- 12.5 mgs, Vitamin B-12- 500 mcgs, Omega 3 Acids- 500mgs, -DHA 350 mgs, -EPA 35mgs], I was starting to have a bad kidney infection from the no sleeping and eating from the Adderall, my kidney tests came back elevated but fine, part of the reason I decided to decrease the Adderall besides me going completely INSANE. Yeah, yeah, I know why dont you just get off all your meds and eat healthy, easier said than done. I havent even worked for shit 6-7 years now for A] not wanting tooo B] not having to C] feeling afraid to work. Yeah I know I am fuct-up you dont gotta tell me. I am not on disability or any of that crap I dont believe in that, [for some maybee, but I dont need it].

Otherwise I am happy, and been busy hitting meetings tending to my HUGE cacti and flower gardens, havent even went out to a bar for a drink since getting off home monitoring which I have a hard time believing, it disgusts me yuck. Plus now I have much more spending cash for things I want like clothes [been buying WAY to much], music shit, I am in the process of building a new computer [so all you guys piggy backing me on your free ride say bye-bye soon, ha, if you only knew]. I am doing great, recently have been hanging out with an OLD girlfriend of mine that I used to go out with when I was like 14-15’ish. 15 yrs. later not much has changed were still the same people for the most part, lol. So that be that, kinda getting prepared in slow motion to make move to somewhere else in the city [Chicago] as I need to start off on a clean fresh slate, my baggage around here is far to heavy to carry. Not to mention there is nothing for me in this leafy well-to-do environment besides chase after young girls, 😉 but that gets boring quick. Sigh, what to do today, what to do…? Exercise go shopping for gardening close out sales? hmm choices.

Patience runs out on the junkie
The dark side hires another soul
Did he steal his fate or earn it
Was he force-fed, did he learn it
Whatever happened to his precious self control

Like him I’m tired of trying to heal
This tom-cat heart with which I’m blessed
Is destruction loving’s twin
Must I choose to lose or win
Maybe when my turn comes I will have guessed

These are the horns of the dilemma
What truth is proof against all lies
When sacred fails before profane
The wisest man is deemed insane
Even the purest of romantics compromise

What fixation feeds this fever
As the full moon pales and climbs
Am I living truth or rank deceiver
Am I the victim or the crime
Am I the victim or the crime
Am I the victim or the crime
Or the crime

And so I wrestle with the angel
To see who’ll reap the seeds I sow
Am I the driver or the driven
Will I be damned to be forgiven
Is there anybody here but me who needs to know

What it is to face this fever
As the full moon pales and climbs
Am I living truth or rank deceiver
Am I the victim or the crime
Am I the victim or the crime
Am I the victim or the crime
Or the crime?

The-One-With-Out-Seeds…
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