Prelude [not not Preludin, you junkies]:

I was 19 at the time, I had a good job and it paided very well for my age [mid 30K’s]. I had plenty of cash and a methadone and heroin habit from hell. My boss knew I was a junky because of my 2 hr. lunches and well I looked like hell. It didnt help her son was also a heroin addict who I had hooked-up and partied down with plenty of times. So point being she stops over out-of-the-blue on a Saturday afternoon. I literally just got back from scoring and was loaded. She said I have to go to rehab NO QUESTIONS asked, “I am not stupid I know whats going on”. I was slightly relieved because I was sick and tired already, almost 5 yrs on the horse combined with couple years on deathadone. So I get put on medical leave full pay while gone and they picked up the tab for rehab 37-39K, I forget its pointless anyways except to show the insane costs of trying to get help. I called around to ask different rehabs to inquire on their usual detox meds and routine untill I found one to my liking.

The Story:

I grudgingly check into rehab with a half gram of heroin and a bottle of Xanax and Klonopin. They searched me and didnt find shit as I was prepared for the search. The half gram was gone by dinner time and I was freaking out filled with anxiety knowing I was dopeless for the next day, eventually passing out.

I was fiending bad at day break of day two. Of course the fucking nurses [no offense Soma] would come in to check my vitals at like 4:30 am, once I am up, I am up. Being up that early with the realization of where I am and what I am doing started to sink in. Extreme cravings, anxiety and sickness soon started to creep into the marrow of my bones. My cells screaming for heroin, oxycodone, hydrocodone, shit anything at this point. I talk myself into leaving and going to go cop some more heroin and started to pack-up my things. The counsellors had their little intervention with me and convinced me to stay. My family and boss drove up after the rehab called them saying I was leaving. Once they got there they all pleaded for me to stay, I turned my head the otherway, I didnt want to listen.

“Drew dont fuck this up you need help. Its gonna suck but you have to deal with it and beat this”.

I wish I would have listened to them than, damn-it, but I am a firm believer in fate, things happen for a reason. My stash of benzo’s were a safety net just incase I wasnt being medically detoxed to my satisfaction, which is always the case. That rehab trip [my first of many] I referred to the nurses as ‘Valium Vending Machines, VVM’s, ha’ or rather they referred to me as the ‘Pill Mongrel’. My detox meds at this point is 30mg of valium, QID [4 times daily], Catapress patch [clonadine], Compazine, [stomach tranquilizer], and 800mg Ibuprofen and sleeping med, [A small tiny orange pill. I still dont know what it was to this day and I usually always know my meds but I was in such a fog].

Some how I managed to make it thru my second day in rehab and my first day clean from heroin. As the w/d’s started to come on harder and more intense and my meds werent holding me like they should be in my opinion [if I am paying or rather someone else is paying major bucks for treatment I better be medicated to my discretion]. Things just start getting worse, none of my dealers would deliver to me in rehab and I blew the half gram I brought like a ice cream cone on a hot summers day, fast as fuck. I have needles and pills but nothing good to shoot and I definitely cant get behind ol’ nurse ‘vending machine’ to steal something.

Than I get the idea fuck it I am going to shoot up some of my Xanax, it was late in the evening and I was starting to lose it, only about 20 hours clean. Its not easy to get Xanax into a injectable solution. I know water isn’t going to work well, I know nothing is going to work well but I know acidic solution is better than nothing so off to the Dining room I go. They were closing up shop and one of the workers, some guy my age was cleaning dishes when I peeked my head in the backroom. I asked if it was possible to get a little vinegar? He looked at me like I was an alien. So I changed my game plan and asked if he had any lemons. Which I knew they had because of the lay out of the food when we would eat. So he gave me a chunk a lemon without questioning my intent and I hightailed it back to my room with a pop can and a lemon.

I crunch up 4mg of Xanax. Squeeze the lemon juice* all over the pile of powder and add some water mix and mash untill it was pastey than just added more water untill I could get it semi into solution and than sucked up a shot. Injecting and repeated adding more water re-dissolving the Xanax sludge and re-injecting. I probably got about 6 or 7 shots in me when some girl knocks on my door and asks if I am going to group. I yell from my locked bathroom, “FUCK NO” and shoot a few more shots somehow trying to feed my needle fixation with anything. After I was done shooting I chewed up 5 bars of Xanax and 6-8 mg’s of Klonopin, praying for relief.

The rest is a blur… I remember being in a half dream withdrawal from hell state. Sometime I got up in the middle of the night thinking I was in my house and left my room to go to the kitchen in my head. Only to be told by the late night nurse I am in rehab I am not in my house go back to bed. So I stumbled back into my room and got in my bed. I was having horrible shaking tremors, thoughts and images of street corners and dopebags flashed thru my head with a vengence. I curled into the fetus position sweating bullets, yet cold as a Chicago winter. I remember trying to get out of bed I kept on putting my feet on the floor but trying to stand-up I would collapse. I couldnt walk, my legs were jello, I was so sick. Some how I ended walking straight into the wall hard. I busted my nose open and it started bleeding all over, thats the last I remember.

I was awoken in the morning by the cleaning lady shaking me, next thing you know there are a couple nurses and few counsellors standing above me. I am sprawled out on the floor, passed out. My pills must have fell out of my pocket as there were like 30 pills all over the floor including a few needles. A big blood stain on the wall from where I walked into it and blood all over my face, dried and crusted. My eyes were open but I saw nothing but white haze, the voices were distant. They started asking me a million questions and my only answer is did I miss the morning meds? I longed for that little silver cart with mini dixie cups filled with a plethora of multicolored and shaped pills for each patient, I wanted to steal them all and down them like shots one, two, ten. All I could think about was getting my sick off and heroin. They were pissed to say the least but fuck I didnt care, I was hoping to get kicked out. Of course after getting long hard talk about how they will give me another chance, or was that give me another chance for you to keep getting your 1200-1500$ a day outta me?

* dont use lemon juice to inject substances, crack for instance as it can contain bacteria that can do some major harm. If you are looking for an acid solution use Asorbic acid [Powderized Vitamin C], Acetic acid [Vinegar] or one of the other semi safe acids. Shooting pills is extremly dangerous even with proper filters [micron/filter wheels].

Prolouge:

I ended getting kicked out of the rehab as my insurance money started to near its end, and went back to the only thing I knew. Smack, White dreams, Narcotic stupor, High on anything, Drunk on pleasure, Blissed out, Irrational.