Tuesday, December 20th, 2005

What ever happened to self control…

The after-dinner sun glows warm an orange bright as can be, fixates my thoughts upon the wooden floor.  I loose my self in thoughts of nothing, as I hear "Fixation feeds the fever" I shuffle towards the balcony and grab a refill of beer and my trusty pipe.  Its Halloween here in Santa Barbara and the [speed] freaks will be out to night, I slug my beer back and think to myself, Why did I ever agree to go with Becca to this party, I barely even know her and I am sure I wont know many of her friends let alone like them.

Should I call and say I am sick?  Should I lie or just tell her straight out I really don’t feel like spending the evening out with her or what?

I stare out into the ball of light nicknamed the Sun, this is a beautiful city and a better view, spoiled only by the oil rigs off shore.  I walk in to turn the volume, "Right outside this lazy summer home", its not Summer but so what [it feels like it].  I have no problems, I am drug free [for the most part], and semi-happy, I decide to call my mother.

Hey Mom, whats going on…
*loud barking* The usual kids trick-or-treatin, your sisters down in the city, your Dad and I are being low-key tonight feeding the trick-or-treaters…
Yea I am thinking the same…
Not going to dance with the devils on this the evening of ghosts…
Huh…? (laughter)
You need money?
Not today, just wanted to say high.
Love ya
You too…

I kick my feet up and hang the phone up, and smile.  The one thing I do love is my parents.  Staring into the burning sun with a goofy smile on my face, I am startled by a knock and the door opening.

Liam what the fuck, barge right in… Beers in the fridge.  He takes a seat to my right and shakes my hand.
Whats going on?

So you psyched about this chick tonite or what?
Not really, thinking about not going…
Oh fuck, No your not, were party’n tonight…
Ok, twist my arm…

We settle back into a discussion of the ‘old’ neighborhood, football [which I hate, I just talk about it], and girls.  The bottles are starting to pile high around us as the CD stops.  Blind Melon or Stones?  Either or just turn it up loud.

I go to take a shower and take a peek in the medicine cabinet, I always get so damn tweaked around chicks, dont ask me why but 50 mg of Valium cures that.  The shower is steaming and is fogging up the room.  In and out.  Throw on some shorts and out the door for another beer.  I absolutely am not looking forward to getting dressed up for this damn party.

Liam and his girlfriend are going as Bonnie and Clyde and I just feel weird dressing up like someone but Becca did take me out shopping for a costume to wear as I loudly protested.  I settled on an ATF [Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms Bureau] guy with a cool helmet with a green visor.  Mainly so I could take it all of easy and be in street clothes with ease.  We spent most of the time looking in the porn stores.  I lose myself in thoughts of Becca and dildos for a second, and return to the balcony with 2 cold ones.

Liams complaining that he had to spend 125 bucks to rent his and Ambers costume, I remind him that we should not of even dressed up.  I finish half my beer in a swig.

We watch the girls walk up the street from the park, they were probably puffin a joint before coming up here as they are laughing and truly look like they are enjoying themselves and I think to myself, Becca probably will look pretty damn good on her knees.

We hear them laughing all the way up the stairs, glad somebody is in a good mood.  This valium should hit me soon hopefully my mood will lift.  Amber jumps on Liams lap, Becca says "Hello…?", I mumble back with my head in the refrigerator.  Suddenly I get a strange feeling and a voice says, "Dont be a dick to this girl, just because your not in a good mood."  I agree and come out wearing a smile.

Amber starts flipping thru the CDs and Liams still sitting on the deck staring into the sunset pounding beer like nobodies business.  Amber asks how I am doing?  Fine I guess.  Come here I got you something, as I follow her into my room.  This time I am fussing with the CD’s and she says, look at me.  Jeez ok, just picking out a song…

Both hands behind her back, arching her tits in my face she tells me to pick a hand.  That one, wrong, that one, right.  She pulls out a 6-inch california green bud perfectly beautiful almost surpassing her beauty [of course I would never admit that].  Aww, shucks thanks Becca.  Not a problem, I (green) plant the ever deserving kiss on her lips.  The usual ensues but is interrupted shortly by Amber knocking loudly repeating, "Where is the bong, I know its in there".  Making me laugh I break away and partake in the fruits of my labor [stinky, freaky, greenbud haze].  Ahhh…

The girls are awfully talkative as I bet they are bumping glass [meth] tonight, I don’t want any part in that, but I am sure as the night unfolds and the stars shine into some random girls eyes the tune might change.  Lucy In the Sky with Diamonds or Lucy in the Subway with Daffodils, no subway here.  Only BMW’s, convertibles, fake tits, homeless beachcombers, and the likes…

California….Knock, knockin on the golden door
like a angel standing in a shaft of light
rising up to a garden of paradise – GD

Laying on the bed stoned Becca has her legs stretched out on to the nearby bookshelf.  The perfectly formed, just right, tanned legs have grapsed my attention.  Some soft mellow music on in the background barely audible.  The sunbeams are cutting in thru the windows, scattering them randomly around the room.  One beam has cast its bright deep orange rays onto Beccas legs.  The smoke is hazy all through the room and swirls about.  Instantly in my head her legs looked like they should have been framed.  With a nice frame of course maybe very minimal as to draw you into the foot or maybe a more ornate frame that had twists and curls.

Becca – So are you planning on having fun tonite…?
Me – Yea, totally I rear’n to go.
Becca – Good get ready and me and Amber will be back in an hour or so, Ill call.
Me – Sounds good, see ya…

She gets up and leaves and I slowly drift into thinking about how that would have been a perfect pic with Beccas legs the sun, the smoke.  Ahh, I sit back and stare at the thumbtack I have taked up so it shows me directionally which way east is.  It is blocked for a split-second as the fan blades whrill by.  With the fan on the high position it is reminiscent of a flip book movie except its a tack in the wall. (green).

I drift off in awkward off-the-wall-dreams and day-dreams that will be pieced together at a later time.  Awoken to:

"The winter was so hard and cold,
Frost 10 feet beneath the ground,
Please don’t murder me" Skipping, skipping, skipping,skipping

What the fuk, I say as I rub my eyes.  Ahhh thats right Halloween.  Check the clock, have been sleeping 1 hour.

Go out into the family room, Liam is still out on the deck a new kid is here also Troy.  The girls are gone and I feel absolutely great now that this valium is kickin and all that lovely mary-jane.  I actually notice I am smiling.

Grab a beer and walk to the deck and hop a squat next to Liam.  Who is engaged in a conversation with Troy about this guy Liam thinks is loo
king a little to much at Amber.  He tells Troy to telll the kid to knock it off.

Troy is a pothead surfer from the building over lots of family money and killer weed that remind me of ears of corn.  Truly fat green buds.  He is hanging over here alot lately smoking weed, selling, trading, party’n, and of course relaxing.  Good guy, he tolerates my strangeness and I tolerate his.  So we hang out and fuck chicks and do the stuff most ppl do.

You going to the party Troy..?

Shitty, when are the girl getting back I speak in Liams direction, soon he says.  Ok I am flying the coup for a bit I am taking my powered skateboard downtown to get a copy of a magazine and chill on the beach and watch the sunset.  Wait till the girls come and than come join me.  Ok thanks, Lock-up

I pull on a pair of shades and light my joint, pull the motor started.  Vavavavaroom and I am off.  Winding down the streets in a figure 8 motion, alternating between big tokes and small tokess off the joint.  Bomb the little hill and fishtail in some sand.  I stop at a bar to hear some local band play and surprisingly they are pretty damn good, mainly just good covers.

I order a $7.50 specialty Ale [not impressed]
Sitting on my table was a vase that was stuffed with about 13 twisted and bent breadsticks that I just had to eat and leave crumbs on the table.

I listened to the band play "Let the Goodtimes Roll", they have the girls up there dancing, shaking it.  I enjoy the moment and almost get up and busted a move on the floor.  Naw…

Evening sun is sinking low, clock on the wall says its time to go, Let the Goood Times Roll"

Out the door and on the skateboard I decide to cruize the bar strip and check out the honeys that are lined up already tring to get into some of these lame clubs.  The chicks are everywhere times two.

Head toward the beach which I am sure will be filled with party people with this beautiful sunset on Halloween eve.  Weaving and speeding, destination the western end of the United States.

Perfect timing, I pop a squat and fiddle around in my pockets looking for the rest of that joint I didn’t finish smoking.  BINGO.  Blazed it up and puff.  With-in a minutes Lady Marijuana must have dome her magic spreading her sweet intoxicating aroma and reeling in a couple fine female specimens.  Wanna smoke?  I ask. Similes and Giggles is the answer.

We sit on a rock stoned, staring into a small part of Mother natures pallette. Choosing to paint vibrant oranges, deep reds, purples, blended into a dark blue.  The stars are starting to peak out.  I cant really make conversation with them so I nod and say I have to go.  They thank me and that be that.

I walk over toward where Liam woulda parked.  Yup hes here.  LIAMM!!!  I yell it warrants a response down beach a hundred yards or so.  Walking over to Liam I smell at least 3 different kinds of maryjuana.

Whats up guys, girls…
I am feeling great…
Woo Hoo party…

We all sit down in a circle and put all our beers in the middle.  Than we just talked, perfect conversations, no lulls, no bullshit, it made me relaxed to say the least.  After the beers be gone, everybody is a lil tipsy.  We hurry back to my place to drink more, smoke more, change, and see what everybody ‘really’ has planned.

Stuffing into Liam’s jeep, we listen to Rolling Stones ‘Monkey Man’ on high volume, letting it pump us up for some serious adventures tonight. – "Im a fleabit peanut monkey, all my friends are junkies"…

Single file up the stairs, Becca is trying to kick Ambers feet out from underneath her which brings upon laughter. Unlock the door and were in…

[finish later]

A few things floating around in my head:

  • There is to much temptation
  • I am prescribed to many drugs
  • There are to many illicit pharmies floating thru the sky [Amps of Morphine, Fentanyl patches, Dilaudid]
  • Heroin is so close ready to kill my pain, I could score from 30-50 places
  • I could go pick-up heroin right now
  • I am close to losing it, I hate the holidays
  • There are to many cokeheads where I live. smoke, puff, puff, inject, sniff, rolls eyes
  • I am on a strict DO NOT GET ME ANY PRESENTS ‘kick’ this year as usual
  • I dont like the attention drawn to me even when opening presents with my family [is that not fuct?]
  • I hate what I have become
  • My future looks bleek
  • My mind is weak
  • I entertain thoughts of just ceasing my life [40mg of Klonapin, 20mgs of Ativan, and a gram of heroin and a 1/2 gram of coke loaded in a 3cc rig]
  • I am just about emotionally and psychologically bankrupt as I have ever been
  • I want to disappear
  • I hate myself and my nature of living
  • I can only function if medicated
  • I have drugs in me with-in 5-10 mins of waking everyday
  • Please stop calling me asking me for drugs or to go get drugs with you
  • I am stuck in a rut and I dont have the strength to pull myself out
  • I am pathetic
  • I lie
  • I wish I could kick my own ass, do something you stupid motherfucker
  • I have been staying away from alcohol
  • I have a dresser drawer full with empty pill bottles [100’s]
  • I have a nice Teak wooden chest inlaid with crushed pearls and filled with full pill bottles
  • I have a head that wont work
  • I have court tomorrow
  • I am listening to ‘Cole Porter – I Got You Under My Skin’
  • Nothing ever changes
  • I am losing hope
  • I need to find ‘something’ to pull me out of this hole I am in
  • I dont think I will reach a piddley little goal I set for myself
  • I am not even strung out on heroin
  • I am considering going on a anti-depressant medicine [even though I hate them]
  • I have nothing positve to say
  • My emotions are numb
  • I HAVE to start to stop taking some of my meds and cut down on the others
  • I have a slight amphetamine buzz blurred by an opiate, benzos, Hydroxyzine, Neurontin, and something else I am sure I forget
  • I cant really see a light at the end of this tunnel
  • I am scared
  • I act like I am helpless and hopeless
  • I know better, but my body fights with my mind constantly
  • Put a candle in the window
  • Hopefully I will be coming home soon
  • I need ‘something’ to change, quickly
  • Most of this I chalk up to the holidays
  • There I go placing the blame elsewhere
  • I have no motivation [except to go powderize another pill]
  • THIS MUST END, I am depressing myself further.
  • I can bitch about myself this is my own journal
  • Fuck off if you think I like feeling like this
  • I wish I could see what was around the bend

Blue, blue windows behind the stars
Yellow moon on the rise
Big birds flying across the sky
Throwing shadows on our eyes
Leave us
helpless, helpless, helpless