The full moon is just cresting over the horizon, lighting up the sky in a darkish to light purple. Very few starts are visible, the north star is shining bright on the handle of the big dipper. Twinkling in the evening cold mist, you flip to a different song on your MP3 player, some random tunes parades into your eardrums…
Your rain falls like crazy fingers
Peals of fragile thunder keeping time
Recall the days that still are to come
Some sing blue
Hang your heart on laughing willow
Stray down to the water
Deep Sea of Love
Beneath the sweet calm face of the sea
Swift undertow
Life may be sweeter for this, I don’t know
See how it feels in the end
May Lady Lullaby sing plainly for you
Soft, strong, sweet and true
Cloud hands reaching from a rainbow
Tapping at the window touch your hair
So swift and bright
Strange figures of light
Float in air
You feel that is everything is ok, than a voice tells you to look to the east. A family of deer Silouetted by the bright moon light, heads turned toward you, gnawing on some earth bound plant. A huge Elm tree is outlined in black, making the perfect image. It’s than when you realize everything is not ok, you are not unhappy. You are all alone, you have nobody to share this perfect moment with. Quilt strikes a deep bass chord in your chest, Why? Why? Why? Was I such a moron? I could be spending this moment with someone I care about, tomorrow we could have been laying snow-angel style in the rainbow colored leaves that coat the Autumn grass. We could have been laughing about nonsense, my body and mind ripe with emotion I rarely feel. Our fingers touch and a static charge is released. We roll ontop of each other, brushing her messy hair out of the way of her piercing eyes. Content is the moment that could have and should have been. Embrassing in a wet sloppy ‘teenage like’ kiss, blood rushes to my cock. ‘Fuck it no-one is around, take you pants off’, moments later her perfect smooth ass has my handsfull as she pumps up and down and side to side. Her beautiful face framed by her messed up blonde hair is staring at me with a description I just cant put into words I smile as I brush a lone leaf from her hair. We laugh as she leans down and carrasses my face with her ‘pencil eraser’ nipples. Arching my back I go deeper into her, closing my eyes in exctasy, the perfect feeling. Nothing else matters, I am content and gushing with emotions and feelings I dont know how to express.
I open my eyes, the deer are gone, I am all alone and I have no one but myself to blame. I should have tried harder, I shouldn’t have made such rude comments. Shoulda, coulda, woulda, but now its just me myself and I, minus a couple crystals I have in my pocket. I ask God why? Why, did I ruin such a great thing something I have yet to feel that intense about? I know deep down its my own personality defects from years of drug abuse, years of meaningless flings, fucks, and one-two-night stands. I have so much trouble expressing my true feelings I get tied up in a ball of self-doubt. Next thing you know I am pissed at myself for not acting how I want to act, next thing you know I am flying off the hook with some completely off the wall accusitory comments. Why? I dont know. I regret my actions and words more than I can even begin to express on a keyboard. I guess people have there limits on what kind of abuse they will take, I know I had my limits on the kind of behavior I could take multiple times. I guess I will never know… Sad, isn’t it my first time I could say I felt ‘LOVE’ and I am 30 yrs. old and what do I do but self destruct the relationship because I am too afraid of my feelings or rather how to express them. Sure my judgement was clouded with sleepless nights, insomnia, medication, and fear of the unknow. What was and what could have been, I can finally say I know what it feels to have a broken heart. Is this some sort of lesson or learning process for me? In my gut I think so but in my heart I wish it wasnt so.
I miss you if you read this, I’ll lighten it up a ‘lil… Please be my friend 
Seedless
