Well things are going good.  School is almost over for the semester.  I am still trying to get back into the swing of things and I have been back for a year.  It’s not like I don’t have a grasp on the material, it’s just I put off everything and have no motivation.  I don’t do anything.  Go to class, come home, play on the computer, watch tv, think about doing homework, go to a meeting [NA/AA], than sometimes I will go out and have a couple of beers.  I could understand my laziness when I was using drugs and pills but I am having a hard time wrapping my head around it now.  I have been off opiates and benzos for 8.5 months now and things have improved dramatically but they could be sooo much better.  Who knows maybe subconsciously I do this to myself so I have some kinda of self-pity to wallow in.  Or it could be still continuing PAWS, I did abuse drugs hard for more than half my life.  Sometimes I think that is a cop-out telling myself that though.  Get over it seedless, you’re not using now.  So go out and get a job.

I almost bought a bag a pot today.  I didn’t though because if I am lazy now gosh I don’t want to think how I would be stoned.  I stopped smoking pot when this last semester started mainly because it was aggravating my anxiety and messing up my cognition.  Whatever.

My parents wanted me to go down to the city with them this weekend.  Every year they get rooms at The Drake and my sister, her husband, and their kids go down there with them.  Than they go out to eat, drink, shop, and sleep.  Than the next night is the Magnificent Mile Lights Festival where they light the xmas lights downtown Chicago.  Than they go out to dinner and repeat.  I don’t have kids or even a girlfriend so I just feel like I am tagging along and truthfully it’s not really fun, ha.  I know I would be just going out getting drunk by myself and who knows what kind of trouble I would run into.  I would rather sit around and be lazy, big surprise.

I have been having decent luck with girls lately and yet I still am not happy.  I went out with this girl a week or two ago and it felt like I was in high school again.  All feeling nervous and shit,  immediately I was consumed with a strong urge to take xanax or ativan.  Than I started to think well this is completely normal, people LIKE to feel like this.  I don’t know.  Like I mentioned above I seem to self sabotage myself when it comes to relationships.  I am starting to get sick of it though…

peace.

seedless