Wow, Summer is almost over.  In a way I am happy about that as Fall is my favorite season.  This summer has been ok, I guess.  I am still clean from bupe, benzos, etc.  I still puff a little weed here and there and occasionally drink.  Almost 5 months off everything.  I have been doing NOTHING lately, big surprise.  Truthfully I used to like doing nothing but in the past I was always partying and now that is gone or phased out I am left with a lot of boredom.  I have been procrastinating doing everything going to the dentist, registering for school [which I finally did a few days ago].  I waited so long though that my class selection was selective but that’s ok.  I was/still am completely lost or rather void of direction.  School and all that stuff sometimes makes me get in a bad mood because I should have taken care of that yeaaars ago but I didn’t.  Sometimes I debate if I should even bother to finish.

It seems like I have been struggling for so long.  Kicking one drug/med or another in some kind of w/d or hit with a lingering depression.  Sometimes it is just like wtf am I doing?  It seemed like I was happier using and I tell myself that this will pass eventually.  That it is only natural for me to be a little down.  I am not doing too much to benefit myself.  I have extremely low motivation, still.  I really need to start excercise, ride my bike lift weights, get in the sun, get a job, wash my car, etc.  Yet I dont do it.  Instead I just wallow in oh poor me.  I have always waited for everything to come to me and now that I am trying to change that it is hard.

Still no girlfriend mainly out of my own doing.  I have a bunch of numbers that I have been given but truthfully I have no desire to call them.  I suppose none of them has really perked my interest but in all actuality that is just an excuse for being lazy.  I do have a few chicks that I can call or more often they call me when they/I feel like getting laid.  I dont know.  Sometimes I feel like just fleeing to the mountains and starting over somewhere else.  As it seems rather hard to get going around here.  Truthfully I do miss dope, drugs, partying but a lot of it is that lifestyle.

I guess I am just having a bad night/day/week?  Things are pretty good and I should be thankful for all the opportunities I have instead I just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs FFUUUCCCCKKKKK!  My sleep has been ok but it is starting to drive me crazy.  I have been going to bed/falling asleep at around 4-5:30 am and getting up at 2:30 pm or so.  I hate that.  I am just stuck in a rut yet I don’t do anything to pull myself out of it.  I suppose because it is not completely uncomfortable just lazy.  Things are going to change I can feel it.  I am going to take some ambien tonight and hopefully pull myself out of this.  I have to drive up to school tomorrow and pay tuition, buy books, parking permit.  Than I need to get a haircut, new clothes, new shoes, school supplies, and hopefully life ha.  I might go see Sound Tribe Sector 9 [some late night show after they play at Aragon Ballroom Sat. night]

At times I wonder why I am not doing anything to better myself and pretty much my main excuse is well you just got clean you deserve to sit around and do what ever you want.  If I feel like sitting like a bump on a long for weeks on end I do it.  Yet I wonder why I am not happy?

Thanks for the comments I am still alive that is painfully obvious to me sometimes.  :)

iamheisyouare

peace.

seedless

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