It was a slow week, kinda how I like it these days but that is just an excuse because I am not doing anything!!!  Went to a NA meeting and went out to get some food afterwards with a bunch of people.  A couple of people looked messed up and probably were, ha.  I was talking to some kid that just moved here from California and he got a text from somebody asking him if he wanted any Adderall.  He was talking about tweaking on meth and he looked speed up [big pupils, etc.].  I was tempted to grab him by his shirt collar and yell, YES I want some fucking adderall, text him back.  He said he hooked up with some meth down in the city, whatever.  Mindgames.

I remember going to NA meetings back in the day there seemed to always be somebody selling something.  Flippin’ bags of dope on the smoke break.  I suppose people are still doing something of the sort, like how 3 people get up one after each other and go to the bathroom in the middle of a meeting.  Come back in [one by one] sit down and start rubbing their nose.  You can almost watch the heroin kick in.  Than they just start to nod off and everybody pretends like it isn’t happening.  Haven’t seen that in a couple of months.

I have no urge to use other than puffing and having a couple of beers.  I can ignore that easily, IF I want to which truthfully isn’t all the time.  I was never a big drinker and never will be.  I am pushing a couple of months clean from opiates and a few weeks from the benzos.  I am still getting over a lethargic feeling.  Trying to.  It has been rainy for this whole week and that just gives me an excuse to be lazy.  Tomorrow I plan to get back into the swing of things and get out on my bike and lift some weights, nothing else is making me feel good why not?  I have been sleeping late and doing a whole lot of nothing but feeling sorry for myself.  I need to get a new mp3 player for my bike and need to get to the dentist.  I have a feeling I will get offered a script.  I guess I will see if I can turn it down, maybe I will actually need it.  Have to get a tooth fixxxed.  When I was coming of speed and benzo last year I was clenching my teeth all the fucking time so bad it sucked.  Cracked some teeth got um fixed, got off benzos and opiates this year, re-cracked one.  God my thinking is really going, thinking things out there seedless?  Or not thinking at all.  Cut-it-out.

I need to go shopping for some new clothes, mainly t-shirts.  My friends band is playing Sat. night and that should be a good time see some friends, hear some good tunes.  I really don’t know what to do with myself at least I am used to that feel.  It just seems like I am unsatisfied basically.  Just another night.  Sometimes I just wanna get fucked up I suppose.  I am thankful that I am not acting on that though.  I really hope something changes soon, a girlfriend and a job would probably be a good thing.  I know a job would be good for my mental health because now that school is out I am falling back into my old patterns of laziness.  School got me up early, filled my day with ‘stuff’ and the end of the day I felt like I was being productive.  A job even a nothing job would probably get me out of myself.

It seems like I always make a huge deal about little things in my head.  Even working with friends knowing everything is going to be laid back as hell I still get anxious when I know I have to work.  That goes away though.  I really have to push myself to start doing things that I find uncomfortable because otherwise I will just think about it and have the same feelings.  When I do that year after year its obvious why I don’t have a job because I don’t want one, duh but who does?  Work pretty much sucks unless you get a job you truly enjoy and I guess that is what I am looking for.

I don’t know…

peace.

seedless

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