Things are moving slowly…

Probably about 1.5 months clean from opiates and a few weeks from klonopin.  I have had no energy the last few weeks.  It completely sucks and I hate that feeling.  Part of the reason is PAWS symptoms and the other part is just me being lazy.  I havent been eating right and it’s just to easily to lay around and do a whole lot of nothing.  I am almost done with school this semester, two more tests this week.  Sometimes I wonder what the hell am I doing in school?  It seems like a complete waste of time and the material is well dull and boring perhaps I should find another subject that interests me.  Thats where the problem lies.

I know I am not going to feel better with the snap of the fingers, I know that much but it seems like I have been floating in this limbo for way to long.  I have been using drugs for a long time so a down period is only natural, right.  At least I am not thinking of using.  Not even thoughts.  Although I have had some dreams lately that involve a powderized form of narcotics.  A thought that I am sure is swimming in my unconscious thoughts somewhere but is simply not going to happen.

Sometimes I just feel like what the hell am I supposed to do?  Get a job?  Find a girl?  Honestly that even sounds dull to me at the moment.  Which I guess reflects the mood I have been stuck in.  I have been telling myself I am going to start lifting weights again and riding my bike just so I can be active.  What the fuck else do I have to do?  Watch TV, please…  Still havent signed up for summer classes, I don’t know why.  School is the only thing that I have to do each day and it gets me up early [8am] than I come home, eat or go out to eat, sometimes go to an afternoon AA meeting, watch tv and procrastinate doing school work, go to a NA meeting, and come home and watch movies.  It fucking sucks and is really irritating me.  Its strange I can sit here and complain about these mundane events happening in my life but yet I don’t do anything to change it, why?

I am getting so fed-up with how I live my life and have been considering getting a job for the summer either that or take a road trip and go dig some crystals somewhere.  I ran into a neighbor at a NA meeting last night it was awkward.  I need to get a haircut also just another thing I keep putting off for no good reason.  I guess I really have to take a good hard look at my life and try to find what makes me happy.  I have been giving some thought to just picking up and moving somewhere but I think I am definitely to early in recovery to do that.  On the other hand, I need some change in my life.  Something different, this bland everyday seems the same shit is really making me unmotivated.

I really don’t have a clue, at all.  Just like my whole life…  I am sick of just sitting around waiting for something to happen to/for me, it gets boring.  Although I suppose that is what I need right now.  Calmness and no responsibilities?  Is that really what I need though?  Sure its nice to be able to do whatever I want, when I want to do it but it fosters and promotes laziness.  Tell you the truth I am a little nervous about getting a job and I guess have been putting it off for many, many years.  Whatever though.  I am clean [off everything, not even taking sleeping pills] and slowly getting better everyday.

You think I would be happy about that but it’s just kinda like ho-hum, fucking great so I am sober.  I have been trying to get to this spot for sooo long and now that I get here its like now what do I do?  Being lazy isn’t the same when you are sober, shit gets old real quick but what am I going to do about it?  Going to go see John Prine play in a couple of weeks which should be good.  Other than that I havent been returning phone calls.  Going out and drinking beer is well boring and leaves me with a headache.  I really should not be complaining though as things are really not that bad.

peace.

seedless