Well things have been good.  The weather has been excellent.  Whats happening in the world though?  Volcanic plumes shutting down airports, more earthquakes in China, and this fucking tea party shit?  They were out waving their flags [don't tread on me] but I didn’t see one legalize marijuana poster, what gives?  All the more power to them.  I can’t believe 2012 is coming up, I have been patiently waiting since I was 13 for this the quickening to begin.  Now it seems it is here undeniable.

There was a huge meteor that flew across Wisconsin and Utah behind big buildings, didn’t look like I meteor to me :)   Here is a link to the video, it travels so slow compared to the traffic, natures firework?  Anyways enough about whats flying around in the skies and onto me.   http://abcnews.go.com/US/video/meteor-crosses-over-wisconsin-10384085

3 weeks tomorrow off ALL opiates, I feel fucking great!  It is a huge deal to me and I am starting to gain some weight.  Lifting weights and riding my bike.  Everybody keeps telling me I am looking so good.  I still am getting dry heaves on occasion, don’t really know what that’s about but it’s no biggie.  The other great fucking news is that I have stopped my Klonopin that I was taking for the past month.  24 hrs right now.  I am getting real shaky in the hands but I am used to that and sweating.  I am constantly having to put on new shirts I have been going thru like 3 a day.  I hate that but I suppose it is healthy?  I do have some Neurontin to help ease anything and some back up ativan if need be but it wont be.  I am FINALLY fucking getting fully clean it has been a long time coming.  I am still taking trazadone to sleep but that’s no biggie to stop.  I cant wait to be completely free of all medications.  Stone cold sober, minus a little maryjane on occasion but that seems to bring on anxiety especially when stopping benzos.

It seems like for the last year and a half I have been in some kind of w/d and it will be so worth it just that peace of mind that I am gaining.  I am a different person than I was 2 yrs ago that is for sure.  My social life is slow but who cares?  The girlfriend situation, nothing really happening mainly on my part.  I have a few numbers a few girls have given me but I have not bothered to call, I am not going to fall into something unless it feels absolutely perfect.  I have been hanging out with an old friend who is sober and he tries to keep busy and has a lot of sober friends [that's sounds strange saying that].  He has been asking me to come out with them and I am actually having an ok time, little awkward sometimes but thats just me.  Supposed to go out for sushi tomorrow with like 15 ppl but I don’t eat sushi and well I am a little to shaky to be in front of those guys and girls.  As of course I havent told him I am just now stopping the klonopin, why?  Who fucking knows but I will say something once I am not shaky.  I did go out drinking with an old girl friend yesterday watched the Cubs game at an outdoor beer garden in the sun than went to another friends and grilled out.  Good time.  I miss good times, it seems I am constantly worrying about drugs and getting off them it will be a huge relief and it is a huge relief to be off them.

I have been having strange but nice dreams lately.  The other night I had a dream.  I was walking down a street but I was kinda viewing it from above and I bumped into an old dear very good friend who OD and passed away off methadone and pills while he was trying to get clean maybe fuck, 10-12 years ago.   One of the first of about 15 friends that have died from opiate addiction, not to mention the ones that are locked behind bars, sigh.  Anyways so I or he bumps into me in the dream and I was like Jason whats up man, what have you been up to?  He told me he has been crying…  I got the sense that he was almost like locked in a prison/purgatory?  His face didn’t quite look the same more angular, almond-shaped eyes almost, very strange.  [R.I.P.  Jason Pagano]  Than we were in a big house up on a hill with a scenic overview.  Than he was gone and I was crushing up 15mg oxycodone IR tablets with my thumb just grinding them into the table and snorting them.  I don’t even know if they make 15mg IR [I am actually surprised I don't know because I am usually a walking PDR].

Anyways I distinctly remember that’s what they were.  There was a girl sleeping and as I was snorting them she sat up in her sleep and just kinda looked like she was in a trance.  I walked around the corner and I saw another kid who I did not know floating about a foot off the ground convulsing.  I turned and walked away, I felt guilty doing so.  It was strange.  When I woke up I was still feeling guilty for not helping him.  Try to figure that one out, ha.

So the next few days will be a little trying stopping the benzos but I kicked a 8 yr klonopin habit 14′ish months ago and that was hell on earth so this should be a walk in the park as its only been 1.5 months taking them for the bupe w/d’s.  Stupid I know but hey what the fuck, I am almost where I want to be in the chemical sense or lack there off.  Sometimes I wonder than what?  What now?  Maybe I can actually start to have a productive positive life.  Not like I view my past as specifically negative but you know what I mean, don’t you?  I could write more but I will save it for another time’s forgotten space.

Peace and Love,

seedless